Am I doing this right?

Am I?

Because all of a sudden, I'm doubting myself.  

3 weeks in, one deployment paycheck in, one phone call to send me over the edge..... Am I doing this right?  Am I paying off the right things, putting the right amount of money down, making the right decision period..... it's frustrating.  

There's one tricky part in all of this that I had forgotten. I don't have my other half to consult with.  To bounce ideas off of.  To convince me that the entryway downstairs does not, in fact, smell like a barnyard.  (I've clearly inherited my mother's super-sniffer, and Randy is always the one to tell me that everything smells fine- now that he's not here, I'm freaking out!!!) 

This happened to me 4 years ago, when I bought my car.  Before he left for CAX, he and I agreed we were going to put X amount of money down.  In order to get my car payment where I wanted it though, I had to put more down.  The fact that I couldn't pick up a phone and consult him sent me into complete meltdown mode. Luckily my parents were with me and convinced me that it was okay- but it still sucked to have to make a big decision like that essentially on my own.

And it happened today, over something that we are both so looking forward to.  Kiki, my fabulous Carnival personal vacation planner called so we could put the deposit down on the cruise.  Now, you all know that one of my deployment goals is to have that sucker paid off by the end of deployment.  Randy and I talked about it, and we KNOW we want to go on the cruise.  When Kiki told me the price had gone up nearly $400 per person, I didn't know what to do.  I wound up putting the deposit down, but now I'm freaking out about it.  Is it too much money?  Is this really going to work out? What if we can't get time off of work... what if, what if, what if?  Now I have to wait..... and wait.... and wait.... to get the reassurance that just a month ago was there exactly when I needed it. 


That's the thing with a deployment.  It can be an empowering thing for us as spouses.  We get to make the decisions on our own, do what we want to, when we need to.  We get to be independent.... not that that is an issue for many people I know.  (I am in fact far too independent.)  But when we need the reassurance, the kick in the butt to tell us that everything is okay, that everything smells okay.... it's a sucky, sucky waiting game.  

I'll get my confidence back tomorrow, I'm sure.  I will know I am making the right decision, taking the right next step.  I'm fairly certain I feel this way because I have been up since 5:30, didn't get enough sleep last night, and really should be in bed already instead of blogging. 

I'm beginning to realize that I sound like Scarlett O'Hara.... after all, tomorrow is another day!