Hope For the Warriors

About a month ago, I was asked to write a guest blog for a fantastic organization, Hope for the Warriors.  

I have been involved in this organization practically since it was created.  While my role has always been tiny compared to what these amazing Marine wives have been able to accomplish, it is an organization that I absolutely adore, will always support, and will forever be in my heart.  

It was truly an honor to be able to contribute something that would potentially help other spouses and caregivers.  Again, while my contribution was tiny, I hope that by telling our story, I was able to help someone, somewhere.  I hope that I was able to give another spouse the courage to realize it is OK to ask for help.  I hope that I was able to give a Marine the courage to realize that maybe what they are feeling is "normal" in our world.  I hope that I gave a fellow military family the strength to step forward and deal with what they are feeling.  

In case you missed it, here is the link to my guest blog.  Please share- the more we talk about PTSD and what our servicemembers have dealt with, the more we are able to make the stigma go away.

http://hopeforthewarriors.blogspot.com/2013/03/dealing-with-ptsd-and-deployments.html

Raise Awareness

June is PTSD Awareness Month.  June 27th is PTSD Awareness Day.

 

Just over 2 years ago, Randy took his leave of absence.   It's not something that either one of us planned to happen- it just kind of did.  But we have moved on and grown and learned from that experience.  We now have the tools we need to conquer whatever obstacle we might come across- whether it is PTSD or another battle that the Marine Corps sees fit to throw at us.

I don't know if PTSD will ever really go away for us- in reality, I am pretty confident in saying that it will always be there.  There are plenty of Vietnam vets who are just now able to come to terms with what they saw and did while they were serving.  It will probably pop up when we least expect it, when we finally think that it is in the past.  But I do know that regardless of what happens, we are now better equipped to deal with whatever comes our way. 

I've been pretty vocal about this issue and how it affects my life. It is important for me to continue to be an advocate for not only myself, but my husband.  While I am nowhere near any sort of professional on this matter, I do have experience with it first hand.  I understand what it means to live with someone who reacts to things that don't bother other people.  I know what it's like to wake up in the middle of the night and have him searching for his K-bar, because he was dreaming he was back in Iraq.  The other night when I had a bad dream, I was so thankful that he wasn't there- because I honestly don't know what his reaction to my screaming would have been.  

I will continue to talk about my experiences- and I hope that I might be helping another spouse- who might not understand what the flashbacks, nightmares, and weird quirky things might mean.  In turn, I hope that that spouse is able to help their servicemember get the help that they might need- even if it's as simple as just talking to each other. 

Some resources and information:

VA's National Center for PTSD

Afterdeployment.org  

Nerves, Jitters, Anxiety...

Call it what you will, the pre-homecoming whatever is already starting to get to me. 

Every time I even THINK about homecoming, I get butterflies.  I am so excited, and cannot wait to see Randy again.  Then the panic hits me- will I even be able to FIND him??   But then I remind myself that I recognized him from this picture:

So chances are I will be able to find him.  I hope.

*Sidenote and true story- in 2005 I started to have dreams that I wasn't going to be able to find the boy when he got off the bus.  Homecoming is chaos.  About 10 charter buses pull up, and out pours hundreds of marines all wearing the exact same thing- and of course they all wear the same damn sunglasses too!  There are probably thousands of family members standing around in a teeny parking lot- and everyone is trying to find who they belong to.  Well, my dream came true.  I could not find Randy.  I stood there practically in tears- and was looking so far that I didn't even realize he was walking right up to me and standing in front of me.  So now I leave it up to him to find me- because based on what he's told me, he's spotted me each time before the buses are even in the parking lot.  Anyway..... 

Then I get nervous-will I look okay? Will he look okay? Will we be okay??    Then the stress starts- and I start wondering what new battles and demons we will be facing in a few months, or years- if last time was any indication.

So here's how we handle what the Marine Corps refers to as "Return and Reunion".  Well, at least that's what they called it 4 years ago! (Please note, this is just based on my perspective and experience with my Marine- everyone handles deployments differently- so you just need to take it day by day and see how it goes.)

~I've already given most of our family and friends the stupid question speech.  Stupid questions include, but are not limited to, any and all versions of the following:

     

     -Did you kill anyone?

     -Were you scared?

     -What's it like to shoot someone?

     -How did you get a Purple Heart? (this one really only applies in conversations about the first deployment)

     -Did you miss your family?

I think you can kinda see where I am going here.  Randy has, unfortunately, been asked all of the above way too many times.  And when I am around and these questions are asked, please do not be offended if I slap you upside your head.  It is important for these guys to know that they CAN talk to us- but it needs to be on their terms and when they are ready- not when some long lost relative decides they need to know everything now. 

~One of the first things I tell Randy when I actually get to see him is that I will always listen to whatever he wants and needs to tell me.  I am constantly reminding him of this.  It is important for him to know that I am here if he needs to talk.  There are some things I will never know about his time spent at war- and I am okay with that.  But, if the time comes and he does want to tell me- I am more than willing to listen. 

~I expect the unexpected.  Right after Randy returned home in 2004, we were at a mutual friends' wedding reception.  A little kid had gotten hold of a balloon, and popped said balloon.  Randy dropped faster than anything I have ever seen- because that sound of the balloon popping immediately took him back to Iraq- where he was being shot at and things were exploding constantly.  I remember just standing there staring at him- and wondering what the heck had just happened.  There was also a time he woke me up looking for his rifle or K-bar, I can't remember which.  But again, something instantly sent him back to Iraq, and he woke up believing he was there.  

~I ask what he wants to do.  Does he really want to run and see every single family member and friend we have?  Yes they all want to see him- but that is overwhelming for anybody, let alone someone returning from combat.  That's why this time we are having one party at my parents house.  That way everyone will have a chance to see Randy, but will save him from a lot of unnecessary stress and exhaustion.  

~We don't play the "Who Had It Worse" Game.  We both accept the fact that we each had our own sucky experiences and things we had to deal with while we were apart.  We talk about it- but understand that it sucked equally for each of us, obviously in different ways.  While he didn't have to nurse the dog back to health after leg surgery, he did have to be away from us while it all was happening.  Deployments suck for everyone equally, and that's all there is to it.

Here are some helpful things to read for more information:

Return and Reunion- USMC (I just love that this is from 2003....but it's still helpful!)

Real Warriors After Deployment

Military OneSource

http://supportyourvet.org/

Afterdeployment.org

http://www.operationptsd.com/

I can tell you one thing- there were not nearly this many resources and websites available to us 4 years ago.  There is so much information out there- and there are always people to help!

National PTSD Awareness Day

Today, June 27th, is National PTSD Awareness Day.

I actually did not know that such a day existed, until last night when I saw mention of it on Facebook.

I think it's pretty great that PTSD gets a "day"... although hopefully sometime in the very near future, we won't need a "day".... hopefully everyone will just understand and accept PTSD for what it is. 

Because this is something that affects my husband's life on a daily basis (whether he chooses to admit it or not) I've made a point to educate myself as much as possible.  My thought process is, if I am going to deal with this, I might as well know as much about it as possible.  Luckily for me, information, help, and resources are becoming more and more available to us all. 

It's so important that we are all educated about PTSD.  This is not something that just affects the military- this can happen to any of us, as the direct result of traumatic events in our lives.  We need to be understanding, accepting, and educated, so we can help those that we love deal with this issue.  As I've said before, the stigma of it all just needs to go away.  There is NOTHING wrong with asking for help.  EVER.  Especially for something as serious as PTSD.  

Here is a list of things that we, as family, friends, and caregivers can do to help those who may be dealing with PTSD:

Ten ways community members can help-

1. Understand that anyone can experience trauma, such as accidents, assault, war, or disasters.
2. Think broadly. When trauma happens, the survivor's family, friends, coworkers, and community are affected.
3. Learn about common reactions to trauma and readjustment to life outside a war zone.
4. Be aware of where get help for trauma survivors, Veterans, and people with PTSD.
5. Expand your understanding of how PTSD is identified and treated.
6. Know that treatment for PTSD works.
7. Ask a Veteran or trauma survivor if talking would help, but do not push if someone is not ready to discuss things.
8. Realize that stigma is a barrier to getting treatment. Getting people to talk or seek help is not always easy. Your encouragement matters.
9. Know the facts. More than half of US adults will experience trauma in their lifetime. About 7% of adults will deal with PTSD at some point. For Veterans and male and female sexual assault survivors, the figure is higher.
10. Connect with self-help resources, apps, and videos about PTSD.

Number 7 on that list is so important- and part of the reason I believe that Randy and I have been able to begin to overcome his PTSD.  From the moment he stepped off the bus in 2004, he has know that I am always willing to listen, and am always here for him.  I'm not sure where we would be if, at times, I hadn't pushed as hard as I did, or been as stubborn as I am.

This list comes from http://www.ptsd.va.gov/.  This website has a lot of great resources and other websites that are helpful for the returning servicemember, and family and friends.

     

So what's my point?

Well, now that I've put a huge part of my personal life out there for anyone to read, a lot of people might be wondering why I did that, and what the point is. 

**Warning- this might turn into me on my Marine wife soapbox- so I apologize in advance for that**

My point is this- as the wife of someone who is combat wounded, and suffers on some level from PTSD, I can't ever let my guard down.  I can't ever again just brush off three days straight of Call of Duty.  (Granted, I don't allow those sort of games to even enter into our home anymore.)  I can't ever brush off the nightmares, the flashbacks, and anything to anyone else might be just an odd interruption. 

I also can't believe what the Marine Corps tells me in our "In the Midst" brief, or "Homecoming" brief.  I've been told at BOTH to just ignore all of those things I just mentioned, because it's "just combat stress and reintegration".  I get that- to a point.  But here's my thing- If I had just ignored alllll of those things that I saw in Randy, and I didn't mentally jot those things down and remember them- God only knows where I would be right now.  

I am hoping though- that since the last time we did deployments was 4 years ago, that someone somewhere has started to wake up to our reality.  That someone somewhere is deciding that these Marines admitting that something isn't quite right doesn't make them weak, or less of a man, or anything like that.  I hate that the division psychiatrist or whoever is referred to as "going to see the Wizard", and that the logo on the man's card is in fact a wizard with a crystal ball.  

The stereotypes, the stigma, all of it, has got to go away.  We MUST make it okay for these amazingly strong individuals to realize that it is OK for them to ask for help.  I am praying that none of Randy's marines will suffer the way he has, and experience the level of loss he has- and I hope that Randy-as their leader, is making them realize that it is okay to ask for help when and if they need it.  I hope that I make their wives, girlfriends, and family members realize that it is okay to ask for help for them.  If I had sat quietly by and just let Randy self-destruct- well, what kind of wife would I have been? What kind of friend would I have been to him?  I raised holy hell on his behalf.  Yea, he hated me at the time, but like I said, he now sees that I will go to any length to get him the help that he needs, and he understands what I did.  It did not affect his career at all, and nobody thought any less of him.

My point is this- if you think that someone you love is struggling with PTSD or Combat Stress, ASK FOR HELP.  Even if it's just coming to me, or to someone else you trust.  You cannot sit quietly by.  You must advocate for them on their behalf.  You must speak up- and we must put the stigma to rest.

We call it a "leave of absence"

Or a sabbatical.  

We don't call it what most people might- a separation.

I've been going back and forth, trying to decide if this is something I want to share with the entire universe, because really, almost a year later, its hard for me to talk about.  But, I want to be honest.  And I want to help other spouses, and other couples, who might be quietly struggling with PTSD and feel like they are all alone.


On February 27, 2010, Randy took a leave of absence.  Because of things that had been building for almost 6 years, he decided that he just couldn't handle me, or our marriage anymore.  So he left.  


I can honestly say that Randy walking out on me- on us- is the worst thing that has happened to me, and that I have ever had to deal with.  It took almost 3 months for him to come back around and realize the things he was blaming me for weren't necessarily my fault.  They weren't anybody's fault.

In that three months we learned a lot about what we as individuals can handle, and what our marriage can handle.  I saw a counselor, who told me that what was happening wasn't my fault.  I cried... a lot.  I leaned on my friends and family harder than I probably ever have before.  

I literally felt like my entire world was crashing down around me and there was nothing I could do to control or to stop any of it.

I also did one of the scariest things I have ever done as a Marine wife.  I went to his command.  First, I spoke with the Chaplain.  When I explained to him everything that Randy was doing and how completely out of character everything was, he suggested that I go to his command-essentially, his bosses- and tell them what was going on.  This of course pushed Randy further away from me for a time, because he felt that I was trying to hurt him and his career.  He now knows that I will do anything and everything in my power to protect him- even if I am protecting him from himself. 

Randy kept telling me he was "fine", and that nothing was wrong with him.  His friends kept telling me that he "seemed fine".  He was fine, and I was overreacting. (I hate that word, and now, neither one of us are allowed to use it.  It's such a nothing word, that can mean so many things.)  

But when I sat down and made a list of all the possible triggers that could be causing this- I realized that him being "fine" was the farthest thing from the truth. 

I could trace this all back to August of 2009- six months before Randy left.  That's when a good friend of his was killed in Afghanistan.  I remember him looking at me after he got the phone call and saying "I should have been there."  After that, there were so many things that, standing alone, were completely innocent.  Piled on top of 6 years of emotions and problems and situations that weren't dealt with, they were the beginning of the end.  That Christmas, I gave him the new Call of Duty game for his Playstation.  He literally did not sleep for 3 days straight because he played that game nonstop.  I don't know if he felt like he was back in Iraq or what, but it struck me as odd at the time, but I brushed it off.  There was a suicide in the battalion, and then an attempted suicide.  Then someone he looked up to when he was younger was arrested and that person also attempted suicide.  Each event on its own would have been managable, but all of those things together, on top of so many things that hadn't been dealt with.... well, who wouldn't fall apart?

I brushed off lots of things, and at the beginning, I held myself responsible.  Why didn't I push more? Why didn't I make him talk to me more? Why wasn't I more understanding.... why, why, why.  There were so many questions swirling through my head.  Eventually though, the thoughts stopped swirling, and I had to focus on me, and taking care of myself, and what I had control over.  I had no control over Randy and his actions.  I only had control over me, and what I did next, even if what was next was as simple as eating the next meal.

I was on complete auto-pilot, and faking it to everyone around me.  There were only a handful of people that I confided in- my parents and my sister, a few friends here at Quantico, and a handful of teachers at school.  I was embarrassed, ashamed, and completely broken down.  I didn't want anyone to know that this was happening to me. 


I fought hard for my marriage last year.  Hard enough for both of us.  Hard enough for Randy to realize that I would NEVER give up on him, and ALWAYS be there for him, no matter what.  He eventually realized that he could talk to me and tell me things that I might not necessarily want to hear, but that he needed to say.  We've learned that it's easier for him to say those things when its completely dark, so he doesn't actually have to look at me.  

We fought off a lot of demons, a lot of rumors, and a lot of people that we didn't really need in our lives.  We are still fighting for that matter- but we are winning.  We've decided that PTSD is not going to beat us and bring us down.  

I don't regret a single thing that happened in that span of time- February 27- May 12, 2010.  It has made us both so much stronger.  It taught us how to communicate again, and we are actually better people because of it.  I love him more now because he eventually admitted to me he needed help- and wanted me to help him.  To me, that is such an amazing sign of strength- not weakness.  I am amazed each and every day at how strong he is, and how much he has overcome.  He could have just run away and hidden, but he chose to come back fighting.

Now, more than a year later, we are apart again.  But it's okay this time.  We are both ready and willing to take on the challenges we might face in this deployment, and after the deployment.  But we will do it together.  Randy and I make a pretty good team- and we can get through anything, as long as we have each other.