Flat tires and Flowers

Today started out as a bad day.  Well, not really.  But I got ready for work, had my lunch ready to go, and was actually going to be a few minutes early.  I backed out of the garage, and beat the school bus out of my road.  When I was stopped at the light at the bottom of my road, I noticed my low pressure light was on.

On a sidenote here- any of those dashboard lights freak me the heck out.  It ALWAYS means something bad.  My first experience with a dashboard light was the check engine light- about 30 seconds before the engine blew.  So call me what you will, but I take those lights VERY seriously!!!

So I made it to the gas station so I could check my tires.  The driver's side tires were fine.  Then I made it to the other side.  Front tire- going flat.  Perfect.  Because I can totally handle a flat tire, right?

HA!

I got back into my car, and called my Daddy.  Who else would I call?  He always has the answers- and has managed to keep me calm and functioning through several Meghan crises.  I proceed to have a minor meltdown.... not because I can't handle it, but because that's just what I do.  When this stuff happens to me, I melt down.  Ask me to handle anyone else's problems, I am good.  When its me, forget it!  

(I also blame the meltdown on the fact that this is the first deployment problem I've had to figure out on my own- which is why I am so glad I can always call Daddy to help me.) 

So Daddy tells me what to do, I call Triple A, they put my spare on, I take the tire to be fixed.  When this was all said and done, I was only an hour late for work, and it only cost me $26 to have the tire repaired.  Apparently the nail that went through my tire picked a good spot- smack in the middle- so it was easily repairable.  What a relief.


So that kinda started my day on a bad note- and I really thought it would be downhill from there.  

Now, I don't know how Randy does it, but he has always managed to "be there" when I need him.  Last deployment, I was sick for a solid month.  I finally went to the doctor, and was there for 3 hours (they had forgotten about me!)  I came home, and there were 4 letters in the mail from him.  It's not like he really has any control over that- but boy did that make me feel about a million times better almost instantly!!


Today, after my sucky morning, I got this delivered to my office:

My absolute favorite- Yellow roses!

Like I said, I know he has no way of controlling this, but just when I start feeling sad, or bummed out that I don't have him around, he comes popping in someway somehow.  I just love him for that!

The card cracked me up too- "Because I'm effing awesome.  Love, Me"

He thinks very highly of himself- and he should!!  ;)

I married a smoker

There is nothing more disgusting to me than cigarette smoke. 

Growing up, every single one of my relatives smoked.  I remember coming home from many Thanksgivings, Christmases, birthday parties, and any other family gathering reeking of cigarette smoke.  My eyes and throat would burn for days.  GROSS. 

My parents don't smoke, hardly any of my friends smoke (as far as I know). 

But my husband does.

And I am okay with that, because it's just a deployment thing.

5 years ago, Randy agreed to quit smoking for me.  Not because he really wanted to, but because I wanted him to.  He knew it meant a lot to me, and he knew I hated it, so he did it for me.  He quit practically cold-turkey.  He used the patch for about a month, we ran out, and he decided he didn't even need that anymore.  This happened between deployments 2 and 3.  

When it came time for deployment number 3, we made a deal.  He could smoke for the length of the deployment.  BUT, when he landed at Cherry Point, he was a non-smoker again. 

He's kept to that promise, with the exception of a stretch of 2 months or so at the beginning of last year.  

Smoking is mainly a stress-reliever for him.  So when things start stressing him out, he goes for the cigarettes.  Which is why I completely understand why he needs to smoke during a deployment.  If that's what he needs to do to keep his head on straight and have the frame of mind he needs to be able to make the kinds of decisions he does, then so be it.  

I don't enjoy buying the cigarettes, and I'm fairly certain I sound and look like a complete moron when purchasing them- I have the brand name written on a post-it note in my purse, and have to whip that out each time!  Which is why it frustrated me to no end yesterday when I couldn't find the kind of cigarettes he wanted.  Its one of 2 things Randy asks me to send him when he's deployed.  Cigarettes and Mountain Dew.  I think I can manage to do that for him.  And besides, it makes me feel like I'm doing something to help him through this deployment.

So, for the next 6 months, I will be married to a smoker. But I am completely okay with that! 

3 homecomings and counting

February 29.  September 25.  2004

March 5.  October 1. 2005

  

September 5.  March 21. 2007

  

February 25....  2011

Four years ago today, Randy returned home from his third deployment.    

I'm having a hard time figuring out what exactly I want to write.  I'm kinda sick of being such a downer in my blogs lately- so I apologize for that.  

I do know that looking at these pictures, and the rest of our pictures from 3 other homecomings made me smile.  It reminded me how good that feels- after seven months, to finally get that hug you've been waiting for.  It reminded me why I do this- for moments like those 3 we were lucky enough to capture on film.  

I know it's all worth it- and it makes me incredibly hopeful, because I know Homecoming #4 will be here before I know it.  

And I just can't wait!

The truck

Today was a nice day for a road trip.

The plan was to meet Mike and Nick at the North Carolina border.  They were kind enough to meet me with Randy's truck, because he and I couldn't get it back up to VA before Randy deployed.  Ben was nice enough to come with me to drive the truck back to the house.  The plan worked perfectly.

(Again today, I was reminded of how incredibly lucky I am to have such great friends.  These guys took a HUGE chunk of their day to help me out- and none of them wanted anything in return.  I'm so grateful to all 3 of them for helping me with this.)

What wasn't in the plan- how I feel right now.  How painful it was to ride behind Randy's truck, and know he wasn't driving.  And to think that he wasn't going to be driving it for another 6 months.  How sad it was to sit inside the truck- that smelled funny, but still smelled like.... him.  It made me miss him more than I think I have in the last (almost!) month, and that was a shock to me.  Because I really miss my husband a lot... but right now... ugh.  

I guess this is another one of those weird deployment quirks.  Who knew a truck could make me feel this way?  Seeing his visor hanging on the rearview mirror- the month old bag of trash- (really honey??) - his chicken scratch handwriting on random pieces of paper.... silly little things that I think everyone else might take for granted, because their guy is around every day. 


 I think my point here for everyone is don't take it all for granted.  Don't complain too much about the smelly truck, the fact that he doesn't clean up after himself... all the little things.  Because when it really comes down to it, when he's not around to do all those little things, those are the things you miss the most.  

And right now, I really miss my husband.

30 day project- Day 30

Day 30- A picture that can always make you smile

This is a sink monster.

Well, not really.  But when your husband had just left about a month before on a deployment, and that sucker jumps out from underneath a coffee mug at you- it's a sink monster.

In my defense- that green coffee mug is HUGE.

This picture can and will always make me smile.  It reminds me that there will always be something throwing you a curve ball.  Just when you think you have everything perfectly under control, you are forced to call your go-to-guy (thanks James!!) and have him rescue you from the dreaded beast. 

It also reminds me that during a deployment, you HAVE to laugh at yourself.  I'm laughing at myself right now because it was so ridiculous that a 3-inch newt, or lizard, or whatever that thing is, completely freaked me out.

It's also okay to ask for help--  Even if it is just asking someone to come rid your house of monsters. ;) 

30 day project- Day 29

Day 29- A picture of someone you miss

*I switched the days around again- I didn't want to end my 30 day project on a downer....

Arlington National Cemetery

I miss Uncle Willard.  He's actually my great uncle, and the closest to a grandparent I've ever had.  This August will be 10 years since he passed away- which I can hardly believe.

I miss him more now I think, mostly because there's so many things I wish I would have asked him, especially when it comes to the military now.  I wish he could have met Randy- I know he would have loved him, and would have been so proud of him. 

He was completely crotchety, and grumpy all the time it seemed, but I still miss him.  He lived with us for a while when I was in 7th grade.  He made us all crazy, practically every single day. 

The day before he passed away I got my first tattoo.  He was in a veteran's hospital up in New York, and had called us, and for one reason or another, I didn't tell him about that.  I wish I had- mostly so I could have heard his reaction haha. 

But I remember that last conversation- and I remember that I did NOT tell him that I loved him before I passed the phone off to my sister.  I don't think I'll ever get over that.  I know he knew that I loved him.... but I'll always be mad at myself for that.  Early the next morning, I answered the phone when the hospital called to tell my mom that he had died.  

I don't think I'll ever stop missing him.  



Am I doing this right?

Am I?

Because all of a sudden, I'm doubting myself.  

3 weeks in, one deployment paycheck in, one phone call to send me over the edge..... Am I doing this right?  Am I paying off the right things, putting the right amount of money down, making the right decision period..... it's frustrating.  

There's one tricky part in all of this that I had forgotten. I don't have my other half to consult with.  To bounce ideas off of.  To convince me that the entryway downstairs does not, in fact, smell like a barnyard.  (I've clearly inherited my mother's super-sniffer, and Randy is always the one to tell me that everything smells fine- now that he's not here, I'm freaking out!!!) 

This happened to me 4 years ago, when I bought my car.  Before he left for CAX, he and I agreed we were going to put X amount of money down.  In order to get my car payment where I wanted it though, I had to put more down.  The fact that I couldn't pick up a phone and consult him sent me into complete meltdown mode. Luckily my parents were with me and convinced me that it was okay- but it still sucked to have to make a big decision like that essentially on my own.

And it happened today, over something that we are both so looking forward to.  Kiki, my fabulous Carnival personal vacation planner called so we could put the deposit down on the cruise.  Now, you all know that one of my deployment goals is to have that sucker paid off by the end of deployment.  Randy and I talked about it, and we KNOW we want to go on the cruise.  When Kiki told me the price had gone up nearly $400 per person, I didn't know what to do.  I wound up putting the deposit down, but now I'm freaking out about it.  Is it too much money?  Is this really going to work out? What if we can't get time off of work... what if, what if, what if?  Now I have to wait..... and wait.... and wait.... to get the reassurance that just a month ago was there exactly when I needed it. 


That's the thing with a deployment.  It can be an empowering thing for us as spouses.  We get to make the decisions on our own, do what we want to, when we need to.  We get to be independent.... not that that is an issue for many people I know.  (I am in fact far too independent.)  But when we need the reassurance, the kick in the butt to tell us that everything is okay, that everything smells okay.... it's a sucky, sucky waiting game.  

I'll get my confidence back tomorrow, I'm sure.  I will know I am making the right decision, taking the right next step.  I'm fairly certain I feel this way because I have been up since 5:30, didn't get enough sleep last night, and really should be in bed already instead of blogging. 

I'm beginning to realize that I sound like Scarlett O'Hara.... after all, tomorrow is another day!

30 day project- Day 28

Day 28- A picture of something you're afraid of


Yea, because googling a picture of something I'm afraid of is really what I want to do today.....

UGH.  I hate snakes.  Hate them.  They completely skeeve me out.  Looking at this picture right now is enough to make me want to cry.

Give me bugs, spiders, anything else really... but not snakes.

30 day project- Day 27

Day 27- A picture of you and a family member






Me, Sara, and Caroline, May 2009


Okay, I'm cheating again. 

These two aren't quite family.  But I've known them both for well over 20 years now- since before we were in kindergarten.

Our families have been friends for a long time too- their parents are like a second mom and dad to me, my sister considers them to be 2 more big sisters. 

We were in Girl Scouts together, we went on family vacations together.  We've just always been close.  And when we all do get together- parents, siblings, husbands- its pretty much guaranteed to be a good time and a well needed laugh. 

I don't get to see them as much as I would like to these days, thanks to the Marine Corps, but I know that when we do see each other, it is like no time has passed.  And I'm pretty sure that's the best kind of family to have.

30 day project- Day 26

Day 26- A picture of something that means a lot to you

That's my Atta Girl bracelet.  

Right now, this bracelet means the world to me.  I've worn it every day since Christmas, and it's a constant reminder of Randy, and everything he and I have accomplished together. 

Each one of the charms I have is modeled after a ribbon or medal Randy has earned.  Each one of those charms represents something he and I have made it through together.  

The very first one I got was the Purple Heart charm- (Atta Girl calls it the Injured in Hazardous Duty Lady Laurel)- Hope for the Warriors gave that to me when Randy was deployed in 2006.  

It might not be me who has actually earned the award, but to me its representative of our journey through the Marine Corps, and everything-both good and bad- that we have experienced. 

30 day project- Day 25

Day 25- A picture of your day

stuff for me

 

 

 

 

stuff for Randy

My day today consisted of some retail therapy.

For one reason or another, I've just been feeling kinda blah the last few days.  So I took a trip down to Fredericksburg.  Old Navy, Bed Bath and Beyond, and Hobby Lobby are a few of the places I went.  

Old Navy was having some pretty good summer sales- which immediately made me think of our cruise- which is still about 10 months away.  But I got a couple things to wear on the cruise, and some new PJ pants.  I don't know why, but new PJ pants make me just about as happy as anything. 

I went grocery shopping too- although somehow I came away with more stuff to send to Randy then to feed myself for the week.  That second picture is allllll stuff for him.  He's requested junk food.  He's worried that he will lose weight while he's over there, so hopefully that will help.  

The rest of my day will be relaxing with a glass of wine, my homemade pizza, and my new Professor Layton game for my DS. 

30 day project- Day 24

Day 24- A picture of something you wish you could change

I've been sitting here staring at this title for a good hour trying to figure out something I would like to change.  The obvious answer for me at the moment just seems unfair.  Of course I wish that I could change the fact that my husband is gone right now, but in the world of the military, all that really means is that someone else's husband would be away in Randy's place.  And to me, that's just not fair. 

So, if there was one thing I would change, especially lately, it would be the media's coverage of our servicemembers who are serving in Iraq, and now in Afghanistan.  I wish that our brave men and women got as much front page coverage as silly celebrities with their silly problems. 

These people give up their families, friends, furbabies, and all the comforts of home to protect our freedom, and somehow that barely rates a headline these days.  Something about that just doesn't sit well with me, and I really wish there was something I could do to change that.

I miss him.

Ok, its only been 2 weeks. 

So I feel completely ridiculous saying this.  But I miss Randy.

Photo by Christina Canterbury

  

I've actually been surprised by how much I've been able to talk to him, while he has been in transit.  But today was the last phone call for who knows how long.  It could be tomorrow, it could be next week, it could be a month from now.  And I think that thought finally made this very real.  

(Because clearly, my husband hopping a plane to the other side of the world didn't make it real enough for me-ha!)

All of a sudden, the reality of all this seems too much for me to handle.  How can I really and truly handle 26 more weeks of this?  (I'm hesitant to write all this because I don't want my poor husband to think I'm punking out on him- trust me I can handle it- it has just been an off day!)

26 weeks?!  It might as well be a lifetime. 

I can't get through a work day fast enough- it seems like time is standing still.  I can't flip the page of my weekly planner soon enough- I don't have enough stuff going on to distract me.  All I want to do is turn the page to April- because then it will be more weeks down, one more month down.  


I miss being able to call him on my way home from work.  I miss being able to tell him about my day- every day.  I miss just sitting on the couch with him and relaxing.  I miss him getting the dog off my back for a while- she will just not leave me alone!  I miss him making fun of me, and making me laugh every day.  


But somehow, somehow....... 6 and a half months sounds a lot more bearable than 7 months.  And tomorrow will be another day.  I will drag my sorry butt out of bed, put my jeans on (because Friday is jeans day at work) and just keep on keepin' on. 


What other choice do I have?  I'm a Marine wife, and right now my job is to miss my husband.  My job is to thrive each and every day while he is gone.  There's no point in staying miserable too long. 


In 6 and half months, my job as a Marine wife will be to not leave his side.  And that's what's getting me through today. 

30 day project- Day 23

Day 23- A picture of your favorite book

This book is AMAZING. 

It is by far one of my favorite books, one that I can read over and over again, one that I can pick up in the middle and read just my favorite parts. 

My mom gave me this to read I believe when Randy deployed for the second time in 2005.  The main character, Emma, is probably a little more stubborn than I am- which really says something.  She is determined to make the best of a bad situation, and do what she needs to to make herself happy.

This book inspires me over and over again.  There's one quote that I absolutely love.  It's on pg 388- I've dog eared the page probably dozens of times:

"What had been done could not be undone, and to have regrets was a waste of valuable time."

30 day project- Day 22

Day 22- A picture of something you wish you were better at

I wish I was more creative, and more crafty. 

I'm so jealous of my friends that can scrapbook, knit, sew, make cute things, and are amazing photographers.

 I'm too much of a perfectionist, and I HATE making mistakes- so being crafty really makes my head hurt.  I get frustrated too easily and usually wind up throwing things away sooner than trying to figure it out.  Unless I have a clear mental picture of what the finished product will look like, I just can't handle it!

30 day project- Day 21

Day 21- A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel

Portugal

 

 

Slovakia

 

 

Ireland

Lithuania

Again, I'm going to be difficult.  I can't pick just one.  I'd love to travel to any of the countries that make me- me.  I'm one quarter of each- Portuguese, Irish, Slovakian, and Lithuanian.  

Going to any of these countries would be an amazing experience, and an amazing opportunity to find out where my grandparents came from, and maybe even find some long lost relatives.  

I hope to make it to each of these places someday- hopefully sooner rather than later!

30 day project- Day 20

Day 20- A picture of something you wish you could forget

April 30, 2004

I am positive I am not the only one that wishes they could forget this day. 

This is a picture of Randy's vehicle- an LAV.  That big crater in front is where a car used to be.  A vehicle that was a bomb.  There are other pictures that I can't even bring myself to look at.  It's hard enough to look at this picture and think of what happened.

I think I've only heard the whole story of this day one time.  I'm not going to rewrite all the details out of respect for my husband, the men that lost their lives, and their families, and the Marines of Delta Company.  I know that it was a terribly tragic day that changed many lives.

I remember that I was studying for finals on April 30th.  I had one HUGE Political Science final on that Monday, and I was planning on studying in the park that day, because my friend April's bridal shower and bachelorette party were that Saturday, then my parents were coming into town for my birthday on Sunday. 

My phone rang early that morning, and it was Randy's wife (who, a month later would cheat on him and leave him) calling to tell me that he had been injured in a suicide bomb explosion.  From what she was able to gather, he had a cut on his head, and his leg was injured.  None of us really knew how bad anything was, and I remember waiting around all day to hear more details. I remember I didn't really react- because he had called her himself, so how bad could it really be?  (He later told me that he wanted to call me first, but his command wouldn't let him.)

So I went about my day, studying, getting ready for my weekend.  I came home and sat down to watch TV before going out for the night.  I remember laying in my bed and flipping through the channels, and them something made me stop.  I don't watch Fox News- but something made me turn back to the channel.  I was staring at a face that was so incredibly familiar to me, but I couldn't figure out why.  It was a guy- who was sitting in a bed, with his entire head bandaged from his eyebrows up.  It took me about 30 seconds to realize it was Randy.  In a hospital in Baghdad.  He was being interviewed (if I remember correctly) because control of Fallujah had been handed back over to the citizens.  It was a very violent day, so the loss of 2 Marines and injuries to others made the news here at home. 


It's a day that I wish I could forget, because it changed a lot of things.  Randy lost 2 friends, and he and the two others in the vehicle were injured.  The day, and the injuries that Randy suffered- both visible and invisible- impact our lives on a daily basis.  

Each April 30, I am reminded that life is short, so you must live each day to its absolute fullest.  I am reminded of how brave my husband and his friends were that day.  I am reminded of the ultimate sacrifice that so many Marines have made to protect my freedom.

But, most importantly, I am reminded of how incredibly lucky I am to have Randy in my life.
 

30 day project- Day 19

Day 19- A picture and a letter



How about a picture of LOTS of letters?

There's a container in our basement that has nothing but deployment letters in it- letters that I sent, letters that Randy sent, letters that our family and friends sent.  

If I were to guess, I'd say there's probably right around 450-500 letters in there.  Randy asked me to write every day, so there's a letter a day from 2 deployments, plus all the miscellaneous moto-mails that I sent, and then on top the mail from me, there are cards from classes of children, and family, and friends.  Its probably even more than 500.  I'm not even about to try to count all that though!


(You can also see in the container my super-anal, way too organized self shining through.  I have ziploc bags labeled with letters to him, to me, letters from friends, along with the dates the letters cover.  I think I'm crazy.)

Three deployments worth of letters.  

I haven't quite figured out why I'm saving all of this.  But I just can't bring myself to throw any of it away.  It's an entire chunk of our lives written out- how can I part with that?

After this deployment, I think we are going to need a bigger box!

30 day project- Day 18

Day 18- A picture of your biggest insecurity

That would be my weight.  

Hands down, no questions asked.  I try not to complain about it too much, because I don't really do much about it.  I don't really enjoy working out, and I eat junk on more than one occasion.  

But, when I look in the mirror, I am slightly less than thrilled with what I see.  Which is why one of my deployment goals is to lose somewhere between 15-20 lbs.  (On a sidenote, Randy is completely freaked out by me losing weight- he likes me the way I am.  But he also is supporting me, because he knows I will be happier.) 

I did that last time when Randy was gone, but over the last (almost) 4 years that he has been home, I've creeped back up to where I was before he left on the last deployment. 

I haven't started on this goal yet- I was giving myself a week to get back into a routine.  But this Monday- it's on!

30 day project- Day 17

Day 17- A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently

This isn't necessarily a recent impact, just a constant one.

The USMC. 

Every single day, it is a constant impact on my life. 

I never really thought I'd have much to do with the military, so it's kind of shocking to think that every decision I make-or is made for me-has something to do with the Marine Corps. 

Now again, I'm certainly not complaining.  I've said over and over again that I love being a Marine wife- there are days that it is a challenge, but I wouldn't change it for anything. 

So to tie it into "recent"- last week the Marine Corps decided that my husband needed to go away for 7 months.  If that's not an impact on my life, I'm not sure what is.  I still haven't quite gotten used to the 3 second delay over the phone, or being bound to my stupid cell phone, but I'll get there eventually! (And probably by the time I get used to all those silly deployment quirks, he will be home again anyway.... ha!)

30 day project- Day 16

Day 16- A picture of someone who inspires you

Iraq 2006

That guy again.

He probably doesn't know this, but he inspires me every single day.  (This blog entry will probably make his head swell a little!)

Randy is the only person I know who has accomplished everything he has ever wanted to already in his life.  And he is not quite 26 years old.  He has overcome more adversity than anyone ever should, and has always come out better on the other side because of it. 

He has made a self-less decision to serve his country, and to leave behind his family and friends, and everything that he knows and loves.  He does it willingly, and with so much excitement and energy that I can't possibly be sad (for too long) about him being away.  

He strives to make himself a better person, a better Marine, a better husband, and a better leader every single day.  Because of that, I strive to be better too. 

I am just so incredibly proud to know him, let alone have him as my husband.  He is truly an inspiration to anyone that is lucky enough to have him in their life. 

30 day project- Day 15

Day 15- A picture of something you would like to do before you die

I had to think about this one for a while.  To pick just one thing is hard.  There are TONS of things I want to do before I die.  Although I'm not an adrenaline junkie like my husband, so my list is pretty tame. 

But since I have to pick just one thing,  I've been stuck on the idea of taking an RV on a long road trip.  I have no idea why, especially since I really hate the idea of camping.  But it just sounds like such a fun thing to do!

RV or not, there's a good chance I'll have the opportunity to take a cross-country road trip someday soon.  In fact, I already have the first half of the trip planned.  When we had orders to Camp Pendleton this summer, I started the planning process, just in case.  If you have to drive from one coast to the other, you might as well make it as fun and memorable as possible!

30 day project- Day 14

Day 14- A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without

That right there my friends is a loaded question.  

I can't really think of just one person I couldn't imagine being in my life. Every single person- good, bad, indifferent- have shaped me to be who I am today.  Everyone, down to my 5th grade teacher who used to yell at me because I made my cursive "p" the wrong way.... ugh.  I still get chills thinking about her.

I couldn't imagine my life without any of them.   If I hadn't crossed paths with that person at that exact moment, my life could have been way different from what it is at this moment.  

It may seem like I'm taking the easy way out- but again, its my blog so don't hate.  I love my life, and I wouldn't want to change anything.  Every person who has ever told me "you can't", every person who has cheered me on, every person who has told me I wasn't good enough- I thank them all.  It's because of them that I am ME today.