I'm not ready.

I've been walking around all day with a lump in my throat and a pit in my stomach.  I've been fighting back tears and wanting to punch something. 

The reason? 

It's February 1st.  And we are creeping ever closer to D-Day.  And I hate it.  I'm not ready to do this again.

Well, at least that's what my heart tells me.  My head tells me I'm as ready as I'll ever be, and I have to just do it.  But how can anyone actually be ready to stand in a parking lot, surrounded by other significant others, family members, and crying children, and watch a bunch of buses pull away, filled with our Marines, none of us knowing what will happen next?

I'm not allowed to cry on D-Day.  I promised Randy 6 years ago I would never cry the day he leaves, because it makes it easier for him.  So far, I have successfully kept that promise to him.  Then I think about this time.  And it makes me cry.  I'm hoping to get it all out over the next few weeks so I can keep that promise one more time.   

Ugh.  It's just so frustrating.  

Now don't get me wrong- I don't hate the Marine Corps for taking my husband away, I'm not mad at Randy for choosing this career.  I don't want a bunch of sympathy and pity, either.  I'm just angry, and pissed off, and already completely emotionally exhausted.  I have all these doubts racing through my head, even though we have done this so many other times before.  I wonder if I really am strong enough for myself, and for all my friends who are relying on me for strength and answers, and knowledge.  


Am I really ready?  The binder and checklist tell me I am.  The "Deployment Cycle of Emotions" tells me I am feeling the correct emotions.  (Isn't that funny how the Marine Corps even issues emotions??)  But there goes my heart again.  Screaming at me that there's no possible way anyone can be ready for what I have to do in a few short weeks.  How can anyone EVER be ready for what so many military families have done too many times before?

But I'll be ready.  I've done it before, I can do it again.  I don't know how, but I will pull myself together, and I will be ready.  Because once again, I have no other options.  There isn't another choice.  I will do this because its my job as a Marine wife.