Goodbye 2012... Hello 2013

Another year is about to be behind us.

A brand new year is in front of us.

Honestly, I'm not completely sure where the last 365 days have gone, but I am not so sad to put 2012 behind us.  

It has been a challenging year... definitely a roller coaster full of ups and downs.  I was cautiously optimistic that 2012 would be the year that the boy and I would actually get to live under one roof again, but of course the Marine Corps had other plans for us.  

I've been reminded that I need to be patient, always be Semper Gumby, and that everything happens for a reason.  

I've learned that things will happen when they are meant to, not when I want them to, and that good things happen to those that wait and persevere.

Things will never be perfect- but then again, I am not striving for perfection.  

2012 taught me some valuable lessons- and I am sure that 2013 will teach me even more.

2013 will bring us a promotion (Hello SSgt Williamson!), a deployment, new experiences with new family members (I'm an auntie now!), a happy homecoming, and lots of new adventures to fill the days while the boy is floating around the world.

I am looking forward to seeing what the year brings!

Happy 2013!

There are no words

...

What happened on Friday in Connecticut was completely and utterly horrifying and devastating.  

There really are no words.

I've been watching or listening to the news almost constantly.  I feel like that is my way of honoring the victims- the teachers and support staff, and all those sweet babies.  I want to know as much as I can about their lives... I want to do what little I can to honor their memory, and to make sure they are not forgotten.

This tragedy- while not to take away from the victims and their families and friends, and really the entire community- has been especially hard for me to deal with.

My mom was an elementary school teacher for 30 plus years.  Many of her friends- who are like my family- still are teachers. 

I worked in elementary schools for 4 years- and still keep in touch with many dear friends from both schools I was lucky enough to work in.

I have a lot of friends from high school and college who are educators.

My life is full of people who have dedicated their lives and their careers to the education of children.

When these events began to unfold on Friday, I could not help but picture myself there.  When I still worked in the school system, we were required to practice lockdown drills a few times a year.  The principal would come over the loudspeaker, we would take the children to a corner of the room, turn out the lights, lock the door, and shutter the windows.  

Then we would sit and wait.  I remember how unnerving the situation could be.  I would sit with a couple kids on each side of me, and one in my lap.  They would lean on me, and whimper a little as someone came banging on the door and shaking the handle to ensure that it was locked properly.  I would do my best to reassure the kids, and let them know that everything would be ok- that this was only practice. 

Eventually, the lockdown was over, the lights would be turned back on, and we would return to our normal, hectic day in kindergarten.

I've read a lot about the actions of the teachers that day.  They are being called heroes- which is exactly what they are.  They selflessly shielded their kids- knowing exactly what could happen, but knowing that they were responsible for the safety and well being of those children.  

I know that every single educator I know- including myself- would have done the exact same thing if we were put in that situation.  I know that I would have done everything in my power to protect my kids- because that's just it- they were my kids.  For 8 plus hours a day, 5 days a week, they are that teacher's kids.  

They hug them, encourage them, love them, discipline them, inspire them, and keep them safe.  

They reassure them- even when they themselves aren't completely sure that everything will be ok.

They create a safe environment to inspire kids, and encourage them to come back to school the next day.  

And today, teachers, support staff, parents, and kids across our country did something incredibly brave.

They went back to school.

They all proved- every single one- that the bad guys are not going to win.

Happy 237th Birthday Marines!

(Yes, I know, the actual birthday was on the 10th.  But since we aren't celebrating until tomorrow, I still get to use that title.)

Tomorrow night, I will put on a fancy dress, uncomfortable heels, and strut my stuff at our battalion's birthday ball.  I honestly am not sure there is any other branch of the military that celebrates their "birthday" the way the Marine Corps does, but it sure is fun.  It is the one night of the year in the Marine Corps that is really just fun.... mandatory fun yes... but still just fun.  

There is a lot of ceremony and tradition, and some somber moments of reflection and remembrance.  The ceremony reminds us what it means to be a part of the family that is the Marine Corps, and how truly important our Marines' roles are in protecting our country. (And, a handful of days after finding out that deployment #5 is official, it will be good for me to have this reminder.)

It also makes for some fantastic people watching.....ha!  (Gold lame' mini anybody?!)

This year will be my 9th ball.  I've actually been to more than the boy has.  The year he was deployed, the unit that was tasked with keeping an eye on us invited all the spouses to their ball.  So I took my sister as a date, and we had a fun girls night with all the other ladies. 

So here's a look back at us at Birthday Balls of the past:

2004

 This was our very first ball! The boy had gotten home from Iraq about 5 weeks earlier. I flew down from Penn State, and the drastic change in weather gave me a cold.  This was also my first experience with Marine wives- I will never forget the one wife who felt it necessary to show me that she was in fact duct taped into her dress!

2005

2006

With my baby sister! She was sweet enough to fly down to North Carolina and we had a blast!

2007

Our first ball at Quantico.  Obviously a bit intoxicated, and the woman that did my hair sprayed me with glitter before I could protest... bleh.

2008

This is my fave!

2009

Drunk again... ha!

2010

Birthday ball.....in the gym.  And dress recycling!

2011

So there ya go- the years in review.  There is obviously some drinking, lots of fun, and plenty of great memories each year.  It is such a fun, special night for us all- and it never hurts to be in a room surrounded by Marines in dress blues!

It's a part of this life

Well.

I've had 2 beers, 3 meltdowns, and my eyes are just about swollen shut.  But I still haven't completely wrapped my brain around this latest bit of news.

 Come spring  2013, the boy will be deploying for a fifth time.

5 deployments.  Seriously??

Before you say anything, let me tell you what I do know at this very moment in time:
 -I know that this is always a possibility, being married to an infantry Marine during a time of global upheaval and conflict.
-I know that there are good things, and that I will find the positive in all this.
-I know that this will be good for his career and his new rank.
-I know that it is NOT a combat deployment.... at least today it isn't.
-I know that this will be the worst that I feel, with the exception of the day he actually leaves.
-I know that I am allowed to feel exactly how I am feeling at this very second.  I deserve a chance to wallow in absolute self pity, and feel incredibly sorry for myself. (I also know, that because this is the 5th time that my husband has had to call and tell me that he is deploying, that this too shall pass.)

But I just don't want to play Pollyanna right now.  I am emotionally exhausted for so many reasons, and I just want a chance to feel sorry for myself.  It is rare that I allow that to happen, because I just refuse to dwell on all the negative in my life.

Deployments are a part of this life.  

Yes, I knew that.  Yes, the boy knew that.  It still does not make it one bit easier.  Deployments are never easy.  If they were, I would seriously question why I continue to stick around to put myself through this.  Deployments are hard, and test you in ways that you never dreamed you would be tested and challenged.  I hate every last second of having to be away from my husband. 

I have very mixed emotions right now, and I am angry at anyone and anything that happens to cross my path.  I apologize for that- but at the same time, I just cannot help myself.  I am once again having some feelings of regret, and wondering what if we had made different choices at step 1, 12, or 2597.  There's no point in looking backward though.  I know it doesn't make a lot of sense, but that's how I feel.  All I want is to live with my husband again and be "normal".  I honestly didn't think that was too much to ask, but apparently when the USMC is involved, it is.

So, tomorrow I will wake up, put on my big girl panties and my superhero cape, and keep leading the life that I have chosen.  The boy will deploy in March whether I like it or not, whether I stick out my tongue and stomp my foot, whether I think it's unfair or not right.  Nothing will stop the clock, so I will embrace it as best I can.

This is a part of this life, and it is what I have chosen.  Good, bad, indifferent or otherwise.  It just doesn't matter.  Deployment number 5 is here to stay, and despite our best efforts, it is happening.  

I will keep telling myself that, but it doesn't mean that the pit in my stomach and the lump in my throat will go away any faster.

Vote!

This is the 4th Presidential Election that I have had the privilege and duty of voting in.

I have never gotten one of those fun little stickers though, because I have always voted by absentee ballot.  In 2000 and 2004 I was a Penn State student.  In 2008 and now in 2012 I am a military spouse.

But that hasn't stopped me.  This year I requested my absentee ballot on the very first day Pennsylvania allowed you to request ballots.  I sent it back within 2 days, and felt... proud? happy? excited? All of the above really.

It is really an honor for me to be able to exercise my right to vote, a right that my husband has fought to protect.  (Yes I know I am dragging my military spouseness into this, but hey, its true!)  

This is going to be short and to the point- make sure that you exercise your right to vote tomorrow.  I am not so concerned with the who part- although I think everyone knows that there is a particular candidate I prefer more than another- but you need to get out there and vote.  

It is incredibly important.  Men and women have died protecting our freedom to vote.

It is our right, responsibility, duty, and honor as an American.  

DO IT!

Pit Bull Awareness Month

This is my dog.
     (Well, Randy's dog.)

Mocha girl.  

She is a lab-maybe pit-maybe boxer- mix.
     (A mutt.)

And a spoiled rotten brat.

I found out a couple weeks ago that October is Pit Bull Awareness month.  And while we are not completely sure that Mocha is part pit- we have tried to be good pet parents and ambassadors for the breed in general.  

I love dogs.  LOVE them.  I grew up with German Shepherds... I am a big dog kind of girl.  Before Mocha flung (flang? flinged?) herself into our world, we were shopping for a puppy of the shepherd variety.  We had agreed that we would get a puppy that summer, when I would be home to train it and housebreak it and all that puppy stuff.  

Little did we know, a teeny mutt had other plans for us.  We all know the story- sweet Randy was helping our neighbors move, and when they got to the neighbors new place, the previous occupants had abandonded their 4 month old puppy.  She had been locked in her cage for at least 3 days, with no food and water.  Randy calls me and asks if we could keep her.  There was a gross misunderstanding, and I was suckered into keeping her.  This was of course after many phone calls to lots of shelters and rescue organizations.  The rescue groups couldn't take her- they were all full.  The shelter would take her, but would euthanize her, because she could possibly be part pit bull.  

The thought of taking this adorable creature to a shelter that would only kill her broke my heart.  (Ask my dad- I was devastated, and hysterical crying.)  I just couldn't bring myself to let that happen.  It didn't matter to me what kind of dog she was- all I knew is that she needed to be rescued.  

And here we are, almost 5 years later.  We still aren't totally sure what kind of dog we have, but I do make a point of saying we think she is part pit bull. We try to be good ambassadors for the breed- even if she isn't part pit bull.  I've gotten to the point where I just might rescue some more pit bull type dogs- just to prove to everyone how incredibly sweet and caring and lovable these dogs are.  We have worked hard to have a well trained, well mannered dog.  And while she isn't perfect, and most of the time is scared of her own shadow, she is still a pretty fantastic dog who is throwing a lot of stereotypes right out the window.  

My point in all this rambling is this- if you see us walking down the street, don't run away scared.  Stop and ask us questions- we are happy to tell you Mocha's story.  She will love on you and let you pet her.... and if you are tiny enough, maybe let you climb all over her.   

She makes a great babysitter- and thinks that she can do a much better job of caring for children.

I'm hopeful that one day Mocha won't have to deal with the stereotypes.  People will realize that it's the person, not the breed, that makes a dog what it is or isn't.  But until then, we will take her wherever we go, and we will answer people's questions.  We will keep smiling when they cross to the other side of the street when they see us coming.  We will keep being good ambassadors- and hopefully change someone's opinion along the way. 

5 years

Today is our 5th wedding anniversary.

Where has the time gone? I don't feel like it has been 5 years... but then again, I also don't feel 30, and it is hard for me to believe it has been 8 years since our very first deployment.

But- 5 years it is.  October 6, 2007.  We were lucky enough to have a lot of fantastic friends that traveled 600 plus miles to be with us to celebrate. (Our wedding party alone traveled probably 5000 miles total to be with us... now those are some good friends!)  I am still incredibly thankful to each and every one of them that was able to make it.  I'm sad that some of those friends we have not seen since that day, but I do know that eventually our paths will cross again. I just know that I have some incredible memories of that weekend, and we were just so lucky to share it with so many people.

We have been through a lot in 5 years... but even more in the 8 years we have been together.  Every challenge and experience has brought us to exactly where we are today, and I am incredibly thankful for every obstacle that we have come across.  It has only made us better and stronger- because we did it together.  

I am thankful to be married to a guy that seems to find a new way to make me laugh every single day.  He encourages me, challenges me, and drives me crazy on a daily basis.  He is willing to sacrifice so that I can be successful. Overall, I am a pretty lucky girl.  I am thankful for what I have- a pretty awesome husband.... who is a complete goofball and does stuff like this on our wedding day:

Why yes... of course he did that!

I can't wait to see what the next 5, 15, 50 years hold for us!

Happy Anniversary babe!

How do you measure a year?

I watched Rent earlier today so if the title of this blog rings a bell for anyone, that's probably why.  I am not sure what made me watch it... but what stuck out to me was that line... how do you measure a year?  A year in the Marine Corps can be measured by days left at a duty station, days until you get orders, days until your best friends move back to the same coast as you, or days until a deployment is finished. For us, this past year has been measured by my Marine being home.   (Maybe not in the most conventional sense of the word, but home nonetheless!)


One year ago today, I was on my way to Camp Lejeune for our homecoming.  Tomorrow, September 19th, marks one whole year since the boy got home from his most recent deployment

by Amanda Courtney Photography

 It really amazes me that one whole year has gone by since that day... since I was able to wrap my arms around him for the first time in 206 days... since I was finally able to take a deep breath again and know that everything would be okay.

by Amanda Courtney Photography

This year has been measured by how far removed we are from a deployment.  The boy and I are lucky enough to be an entire year away from a deployment ending, and not have a deployment looming in the near future.  It is actually a strange place for us to be, and kind of hard for us (well, at least for me).  We have a couple friends deployed right now, a handful that just got home, and very close couple of friends that will be leaving in the next few months.  It is a weird feeling of guilt... that I really have a hard time putting into words.  But that is life in the Marine Corps- when it comes to deployments in our world, we all serve our time and do what we need to do.   We don't play the who had it worse game, we are there to support each other no matter what, and be there for the family members that are holding down the home front.

The year in front of us will hopefully be measured by the time we are able to spend together.  We have been doing the geo-bachelor thing for almost 2 years now, and I am hopeful that there is an end in sight for us.  I am hopeful that things will be back to "normal", and that we will be living under one roof and driving each other crazy.  I'm hoping we will wind up relatively close to home, but I am not holding my breath for that one... you just never know what curve ball the Marine Corps will throw at you!

Until then, I will be happy with where my guy is- 365 whole days of being safe on US soil!

by Amanda Courtney Photography

Good News!

Four days ago, we FINALLY got some good news.

That my friends, is the MARADMIN letting us know that the boy has been selected for promotion!!!!!!

Not only are we completely thrilled that he was selected, we were also pleasantly surprised that this was released a whole month earlier than we thought.  (I think that is the first time that has ever happened in the history of all things Marine Corps.... ha!)  

For us, this selection means so much more than just a pay increase, a new rank, and new responsibilities.  This selection means that we have a bit of security and know that we are able to stay in the Marine Corps until retirement.  It also means that the boy is able to resubmit his package for recruiting.  I still have a few more Marine Corps birthdays to celebrate.  And I still might get my cross country road trip!

I am so incredibly proud of Randy.  He has worked so hard for the last 9 years to make himself the very best Marine he can be.  We now know that all the sacrifice, time apart, deployments and hard work has been worth it.  He has accomplished anything he has ever set his mind to, and this latest achievement-while some of it was out of our hands- is a testament to how hard he worked.  

Looking back,  A LOT of people told us that everything happens for a reason, things will work out how they were supposed to, etc... and it was just very hard to hear that.  Neither of us it turns out really believed that he would be selected.  We were both preparing for the worst- and not even really hoping for the best.  He had taken a week of leave to make some connections and set up some interviews because we really believed that our time in the Marine Corps was up.   Now he gets to spend the week relaxing and not worrying so much about the future.... and working on deciding what kind of motorcycle he wants.  (I promised him years ago that when he pinned on SSgt, he could get a bike.)  

Now we get to wait a little bit longer and see exactly when he will be promoted.  That part I am not so worried about- the boy seems to think it will be by the end of 2012, which again, would be way sooner than I thought!

Whew.  I still can't believe that the waiting game is over, and things actually worked out in our favor.  Since we found out on Friday, I have been sleeping better, and this splitting headache that I've had just disappeared.  I didn't really know how much this was stressing me out until it was no longer there for me to worry about.  

Now, onward to retirement!  I just cannot wait to see where our Marine Corps journey takes us next!

The verdict is in

After 20 weeks and 2 days of wondering, we have our answer.

I wish I had better news.  

The boy's package for recruiting has officially been denied.  We expected it, after it was disapproved a few weeks back at step 3 of the process, but it doesn't mean it sucked any less to hear the actual answer.

I'm relieved that we have an answer- because the stress of not knowing and playing the "what if" game was getting exhausting.  (If I were the type of person who didn't eat when she was stressed, I probably would have lost a decent amount of weight in the last 5 months.  Instead.... I am a stress eater... and I am up a few pounds.  I am totally holding the Marine Corps responsible for that one!) 

On a positive-ish note, he does still have the option to extend until his 10 year mark (July 2013.)  All he has to do is sign a paper, and that is pretty much a done deal.  At this point though, I'm just so bitter... and drained... and emotionally exhausted.  Maybe we have given the Marine Corps all we have to offer... and really, what's the point of just putting off the inevitable? 

The boy does still have one more chance to stay in- he needs to be "selected" for Staff Sergeant.  But that is a very competitive, very long process.... and again, because of the drawdown, the number of people being selected is tiny.  (It is a heck of a lot more complicated than that- with zones, numbers, and all sorts of crap- but I barely understand it and won't bore you with too much jargon and acronyms.)  We will find out about that in September- actually, just about a month from now.

If he is selected, not only is he able to stay in until retirement, but he also can resubmit his package for recruiting.

I'm not counting on it though.  After all the disappointment we have already been handed this year, courtesy of the USMC, as far as I am concerned, as of July (if he does extend) we are done with the Marine Corps.  I know- I should try to stay positive, but I have stayed positive through a lot, and seem to still wind up in tears, with a pit in my stomach.  At this point, it is better for me (and my sanity) to convince myself of worst case scenario than continue to have hope.  That way I can be pleasantly surprised instead of terribly disappointed.... again.  

So... we are waiting again.  By our 5 year anniversary on October 6th, we should finally have a better idea of what the future holds.  Until then, we just have to wait and see.

A day in the park

 

(I started working on this post about a month ago already- and then life got in the way!)

Last week, I was supervising the installation of bricks for the Foundation's engraved brick program.  

 

We are working on a new section of trails, and for the second time since these new trail markers were installed, I couldn't help but stand there and stare.

 

A new trail marker in Semper Fidelis Memorial Park

For about 3 years of my life (in seven month increments), whenever I heard Anbar Province, Fallujah, Ramadi, or Rutbah mentioned in the news or in a conversation, it would make my heart stop and my stomach turn.  (I don't know Afghanistan nearly as well, and honestly, I never really bothered to learn many names.)  To this day, whenever I hear or see the names of these places in Iraq, it brings back a flood of memories- worry, tears, frustration, and confusion. It also of course reminds me of how much I have learned in the last 9 years... and just how much a person can handle. 

When I found out that the new trail segments in the park were going to be named for different battles or conflicts that the Marine Corps has been involved in, I thought it was pretty cool.  I didn't really realize that battles and conflicts would be places that I know, and periods of time that I've lived through.  These places that are just names to some are places where my husband and our friends lived for months at a time.  It is where they fought and defended our freedom, and where too many died protecting our freedom.  It's a very strange thing when all of a sudden you realize that your history- at least the last 9 years- is forever interwoven with the history of the Marine Corps... for that matter, the history of our country.

I am over at the museum a lot.  I see a lot of veterans walking around with their families and friends- sharing with them what they experienced in World War II, Korea, and Vietnam.  It surprises me every time I realize that someday, that will be us.  We will be sharing history as we know it with our families and friends.

Waiting games

And so we wait.

And wait.

And then hurry up and wait.  

Lots of things are still in a holding pattern- no decisions can truly be made until we get word from HQMC to let us know if his package for recruiting really is completely denied.  (There is a chance that HQMC will tell us it is approved- but it is a teeny chance that we are not counting on.)

It is frustrating and exhausting, but at least once the decision comes down, we can (well mostly he can!) jump into action and do what needs to be done.  We are hoping that the boy will be given the chance to extend until his 10 year mark- which is July of 2013.  That would at least give us some more time to get our acts together and have a little bit of a smoother transition out of the Marine Corps.  

I'm still holding out hope that we will get to stay in.  I'm hoping that everything works out- that he will be approved to go recruiting, he will be promoted, and perhaps I will get that road trip to California... with 2 cats and a dog in tow of course. 

I know that's probably a lot of wishful thinking... but a girl can dream.  I'm remaining cautiously optimistic at this point.  It's been a rough year... so I'm hoping that something will go our way.

Regardless of the outcome though, I know that everything happens for a reason, and that everything will work out exactly how it is supposed to.

Until that time comes, we wait.  

Have I mentioned lately how impatient I am?!

What a week.

I have never been so happy to put a week behind me.  

This past Tuesday, we found out that the boy's package to extend in the Marine Corps to go recruiting was not being recommended for approval.  


Essentially, that means that as of October 6th, we are done with the Marine Corps. Unless he decides to deploy again (number 5 if you are keeping track)- which is something neither one of us is really ready for again.  

Finished- end of story.  

To say we were disappointed was definitely an understatement.  Devastated would really probably be a better word.  


My biggest concern was for the boy- he has only ever wanted to be a Marine.  And, in my opinion at least, he is a pretty darn good Marine.  To find out that that was all being taken away from him really hurt... and frustrated me.


After the devastation went away... a bit.... the panic started to set in.  The reality of no more Marine Corps.  The realization of how much we were really losing in this situation.  


Obviously, the first would be stability- guaranteed paycheck and benefits.  Gone.


Then the random things started flying through my head- he and I are both still residents of PA- the military allows us to retain residency in our home state- our cars and insurance are still PA.  I started crying when I realized that I would have to be a resident of Virginia.  I don't want to be a resident of Virginia!


Then the really silly things- no more dressing up once a year for the birthday ball, no more pictures of the boy in his dress blues for random events.... no more moving every 3 years... No chance of a road trip while PCSing across the country...no possible chance of living in California with a view of the ocean from my windows... just gone.  All of it yanked away with one signature by one person at HQMC who doesn't even know what a fantastic Marine my husband is.  


Every time I thought of something else we would be losing, or giving up... it started a new round of hysterics and panic.  (The hysterics and panic and anger were a bit worse when I realized that this is the second time the Marine Corps has taken away my hopes of going back to State College and being close to friends and family again.)



Yes, I know we have options.  Yes I know everything will work out.  I know everything happens for a reason.  I understand why the numbers across the Marine Corps are being cut and why we are being downsized.  But it sucks when you thought everything was figured out and everything was as stable as it could be for having the military a part of your life.  And it sucks when all of that is snatched away and you are stuck, for a few minutes at least, playing the what if game.  


We got some better news yesterday though, thanks to someone who was actually doing his job as a career planner.  There's a chance that we might still have a future in the Marine Corps... but it would mean more time apart in the immediate future.  We will sit down and talk and weigh our options this weekend.  While I hate the thought of pushing into a third year of living apart... we ultimately need to look to the future and see what we need to do to get to where we want to be.  


At the very least, this past week has taught me that unfortunately, the military isn't a guarantee anymore... for anybody.  We need to be much more prepared than we were (are!) for all of it being taken away.  I need to stay on top of things- and make a list of all the "guarantees" we have in the military.  That way if this situation comes up again, I will be better prepared and not instantly enter into a state of shock and panic.  I will be able to react- and just get things done.  


9 years in... and I am still learning.  This might be the most important lesson the Marine Corps has taught me.  For the next few weeks, I will be hoping for the best, but expecting... and preparing... for the worst.


Stay tuned!

9 lessons in 9 years

Today, July 7th, marks 9 years that Randy has been in the Marine Corps. 

I have been thinking a lot today about how different things would have been if the military was not a part of my life.  After 9 years, I am sure that the Marine Corps has taught me nine thousand things... but that would kinda be boring to read after a while. 

So, in no particular order, 9 lessons the Marine Corps has taught me:

1.  Always have a plan.  And then 3 back up plans.

     When we got orders 3 years ago, they were to 29 Palms.  So I planned for a move there, even though I hated the thought of having to move.  Then, about 3 weeks later, our orders switched to Camp Pendleton.  So I planned for a move there.  Then, about a week after that, we had orders back to Camp Lejeune.  So in a period of about a month, I had planned moves to all three main Marine Corps bases in the US.  Each plan had a couple scenarios- just because you never know!

2.  Semper Gumby

     This kinda goes with the first one- Always Flexible! Things will never work out in the simplest, most straightforward way.  This is the Marine Corps after all.  You just have to know that everything will eventually work out.  Until then, just sit back, relax, and go with the flow.  Everything will eventually work out.  (This is about the only thing keeping me sane right now during our big fat waiting game.  I know eventually things will be ok.  It might not be how we thought, but it will all be ok.)

 3.  I am way stronger than I ever thought I could be.

     Deployments have taught me that. You just keep going- it doesn't matter how much things suck, you CAN and WILL do it.  When your husband is deployed, giving up (at least for me) is not an option.  It just isn't.  So you just need to put on your big girl panties and realize that this too shall pass.  And when it does pass- you will realize that you can do anything... even the stuff you thought you could never do, or wanted to do!

4.  Bloom where you are planted.

     A very wise retired Marine Corps wife told me that once, and it has stuck with me.  You will succeed wherever you are, you just need to believe that you can.  When you are handed orders to all sorts of strange locations, it is terrifying.  But then you remember that you will only ever be in one place for a few years, and you just need to make the best of it, and make an impact in the best way you know how.  Get involved, make friends, and make the best of it.  If we had gone to 29 Palms, I would have been terrified, but I eventually would have gotten over it, and made the best of it. 

5.  The brand new language of acronyms!

     BAH, BAS, PCS, TDY, MARSOC, MEU, MEF.....  There are times when I am pretty sure my family and (civilian) friends think I am speaking in some sort of secret code.  The Marine Corps has taught me the wonderful world of acronyms, and a super fun way to confuse the crap out of everyone outside the Marine Corps.  I have really loved learning about the Marine Corps, and all the quirky things that go along with it.  I am pretty sure I will never stop learning or asking questions... I just hope Randy is ready for that!

6. Distance isn't necessarily a bad thing

     It's the truth.  Seriously.  After almost 2 years of Randy being a geo-bachelor, I really think that our relationship is stronger than it has ever been.  We are forced to communicate- which is not a bad thing at all.  We talk a few times over the course of the day- and are careful to not dwell on the bad, negative, and insignificant things.  It's kinda like those 30 minute, once a week deployment calls.  It's pointless to tell him about some silly thing that upset me.  We also bicker a lot less.  When you only see each other for 3 days a week, it's pointless to waste that valuable time on silly stuff.  Obviously, I would rather live with my husband like normal people, but I don't think it's a bad thing- especially for a guy who didn't really like to communicate well- it has forced him to learn how to!

7. It never gets easier- you just know more.

     I have had many conversations with many different people.  I have now done deployments as a friend, girlfriend, fiancee, and finally as a wife.  It never gets easier.  You just learn how to deal with it, and you learn that it's only as bad as you let it be.  I have learned that deployments are "easier" when I am busy and have lots going on, and when I am not sitting around feeling sorry for myself.  It can ALWAYS be worse.  Deployments are bad for me- but they are worse- at least in my perspective- for my friends that have children.  As bad as you think you have it, there is someone that always has it worse.  Yes, the boy and I are not living together right now, but we see each other practically every weekend.  There are some geo-bachelors that probably go months without seeing their families.  It can always be worse!

8. Friends are like family.

     I truly cannot imagine what my life would be like if it didn't have my Marine Corps friends in it.  I have been so blessed with meeting such awesome friends- who are now family.  I have probably met people from every single state.  People that are different from me, have a different perspective than I do, and challenge my opinions and beliefs... in a respectful way of course!  I hope that every single one of them know how grateful I am for all that they have taught me.  My Marine Corps family is amazing and I certainly wouldn't be who I am today if it weren't for those people. 

9. There is no good way for your boyfriend/fiance/husband to tell you he is deploying.

     There just isn't.  You always end up feeling like someone has ripped your heart out and punched you in the gut.  I have been told over the phone, found out in a roomful of strangers, and have totally been prepared for it.... but it still sucked to hear concrete dates.  But as much as it sucks to hear it, I can't even imagine how it feels to be the one delivering that news, and knowing what it will do to me.  Regardless, it usually ends up with me in tears, with a large bottle of wine!


And- as a bonus- and to end on a happy note:

10. There is nothing more rewarding and amazing than Homecoming.

     There is nothing better than Homecoming.  It doesn't even have to be your own.  It is hands down the best part about the Marine Corps life- and something I wouldn't trade for anything.

photo by Amanda Courtney Photography

I have learned a lot in the last 9 years, but I know that the Marine Corps has so much more to teach me.  I hope that the Marine Corps sees fit to let us stick around until retirement. I know that Randy and I have a lot more to learn- and a lot more to give back!

Raise Awareness

June is PTSD Awareness Month.  June 27th is PTSD Awareness Day.

 

Just over 2 years ago, Randy took his leave of absence.   It's not something that either one of us planned to happen- it just kind of did.  But we have moved on and grown and learned from that experience.  We now have the tools we need to conquer whatever obstacle we might come across- whether it is PTSD or another battle that the Marine Corps sees fit to throw at us.

I don't know if PTSD will ever really go away for us- in reality, I am pretty confident in saying that it will always be there.  There are plenty of Vietnam vets who are just now able to come to terms with what they saw and did while they were serving.  It will probably pop up when we least expect it, when we finally think that it is in the past.  But I do know that regardless of what happens, we are now better equipped to deal with whatever comes our way. 

I've been pretty vocal about this issue and how it affects my life. It is important for me to continue to be an advocate for not only myself, but my husband.  While I am nowhere near any sort of professional on this matter, I do have experience with it first hand.  I understand what it means to live with someone who reacts to things that don't bother other people.  I know what it's like to wake up in the middle of the night and have him searching for his K-bar, because he was dreaming he was back in Iraq.  The other night when I had a bad dream, I was so thankful that he wasn't there- because I honestly don't know what his reaction to my screaming would have been.  

I will continue to talk about my experiences- and I hope that I might be helping another spouse- who might not understand what the flashbacks, nightmares, and weird quirky things might mean.  In turn, I hope that that spouse is able to help their servicemember get the help that they might need- even if it's as simple as just talking to each other. 

Some resources and information:

VA's National Center for PTSD

Afterdeployment.org  

Memorial Day

 Today is Memorial Day.

While you are enjoying time with family and friends, please take a minute to remember what today is about.  


Today is a day to remember those that have sacrificed everything in defense of our freedom.  


If it were not for their sacrifice, and the sacrifices of their families, we would not be able to live as we do today.  


So while you are celebrating, take a minute to honor those that have given their all- for us.

"The bravest are surely those who have the clearest vision of what is before them, glory and danger alike, and yet notwithstanding, go out to meet it."   -Thucydides

29 plus 1

My running joke with Randy for the last (almost) 8 years of our relationship has been to tell him that eventually, he would surpass me in age.  I think the time has finally come.

3 weeks ago, I turned 30.  

I don't like it very much at all.  Every time I think about how old I am, (which isn't very often) I stick my tongue out.  Because I just don't wanna be 30.  I know- that's very grown up of me to stomp my foot and stick my tongue out.  Oh well! 

The morning of my birthday, I woke up at some point in the middle of the night and refused to look at the clock.  I was officially 30 as of 2:22 am, and I didn't want to know what time it was because that would mean that I was really and truly 30.  (I had a similar reaction when I turned 20- I woke up, saw what time it was and started crying because I realized I was no longer a teenager...)

I really am not sure why I am having such a hard time with it.  It's not like I had a bunch of goals that I wanted to accomplish by this age, or that I'm not where I thought I would be in life.   Because honestly, I never really had a plan to be in a certain place by a certain age.  I've just kinda gone with the flow of things... and where I've wound up has been pretty good for me.  

Blah.  I just don't like it. 

But eventually I will get over it.  I pretty much have to.  I'll accept getting older... eventually.

Either that, or I will just stick with being 29.... plus 1, 2, 3.....    

Base stickers may cause shortness of breath...

Last week, I ran a quick errand on my lunch break.  When I was walking back to my car, I happened to glance at my base stickers.  When I realized the date on there, I felt light headed.  

I bet you didn't know base stickers may cause shortness of breath and dizziness, among other things.


Yea, me neither.

 It's a bit unnerving to see a date that is 143 days away and realize that you don't quite know what is going to happen after that date. 

As of today, the boy's contract with the USMC is up as of October 6, 2012.  He intentionally picked that date- it will be our 5th wedding anniversary (and my cousin's wedding day!).

This is the closest we have gotten to our end of contract date and not really knew what was going to happen next.  We've always known months out what was going to happen next- when he reenlisted in 2006, he had more than 8 months left.  When he extended to deploy, he had more than a year left.  


Now we are 4-ish months out, and we know nothing.  We know what we want, but we just need to wait for the Marine Corps to make some decisions.

It is freaking me the heck out, to say the very least.

I am a planner.  And, under normal military spouse circumstances, this is a quality that definitely plays to my advantage.  But in this case, where everything as far as reenlistment and continuing on in the Marine Corps is completely out of our hands and beyond our control, I am a nervous wreck.  I know things will work out how they are supposed to, but it becomes quite frustrating when all you want is an answer- and to know what October 7th will bring.  I just have to wait and be Semper Gumby, while also having plans A-Z ready to go, just in case.  In case of what though, has yet to be decided. 

There's not a whole heck of a lot we can do about it.  Just be patient and wait, and be hopeful that someone or something out there knows what the best next step will be for us.  I do believe that everything happens for a reason, and that everything will work out exactly how it is supposed to.

Until it all works out though, I might have to carry a paper bag around with me for the next time I happen to glance at my base stickers.