It's a part of this life

Well.

I've had 2 beers, 3 meltdowns, and my eyes are just about swollen shut.  But I still haven't completely wrapped my brain around this latest bit of news.

 Come spring  2013, the boy will be deploying for a fifth time.

5 deployments.  Seriously??

Before you say anything, let me tell you what I do know at this very moment in time:
 -I know that this is always a possibility, being married to an infantry Marine during a time of global upheaval and conflict.
-I know that there are good things, and that I will find the positive in all this.
-I know that this will be good for his career and his new rank.
-I know that it is NOT a combat deployment.... at least today it isn't.
-I know that this will be the worst that I feel, with the exception of the day he actually leaves.
-I know that I am allowed to feel exactly how I am feeling at this very second.  I deserve a chance to wallow in absolute self pity, and feel incredibly sorry for myself. (I also know, that because this is the 5th time that my husband has had to call and tell me that he is deploying, that this too shall pass.)

But I just don't want to play Pollyanna right now.  I am emotionally exhausted for so many reasons, and I just want a chance to feel sorry for myself.  It is rare that I allow that to happen, because I just refuse to dwell on all the negative in my life.

Deployments are a part of this life.  

Yes, I knew that.  Yes, the boy knew that.  It still does not make it one bit easier.  Deployments are never easy.  If they were, I would seriously question why I continue to stick around to put myself through this.  Deployments are hard, and test you in ways that you never dreamed you would be tested and challenged.  I hate every last second of having to be away from my husband. 

I have very mixed emotions right now, and I am angry at anyone and anything that happens to cross my path.  I apologize for that- but at the same time, I just cannot help myself.  I am once again having some feelings of regret, and wondering what if we had made different choices at step 1, 12, or 2597.  There's no point in looking backward though.  I know it doesn't make a lot of sense, but that's how I feel.  All I want is to live with my husband again and be "normal".  I honestly didn't think that was too much to ask, but apparently when the USMC is involved, it is.

So, tomorrow I will wake up, put on my big girl panties and my superhero cape, and keep leading the life that I have chosen.  The boy will deploy in March whether I like it or not, whether I stick out my tongue and stomp my foot, whether I think it's unfair or not right.  Nothing will stop the clock, so I will embrace it as best I can.

This is a part of this life, and it is what I have chosen.  Good, bad, indifferent or otherwise.  It just doesn't matter.  Deployment number 5 is here to stay, and despite our best efforts, it is happening.  

I will keep telling myself that, but it doesn't mean that the pit in my stomach and the lump in my throat will go away any faster.