My Abbie

Abbie
April 23, 2002- June 28, 2011

Yesterday just sucked.  There's really no other word to describe it. 

My dad called me at 7:14 yesterday morning to let me know that they had to put our sweet Abbie girl to sleep the night before. 

It came as a huge shock to all of us- I'm still in shock for that matter.  She was being treated for what we all thought was a bladder infection.  But Monday night, she started collapsing and was having trouble breathing.  When my parents rushed her to the emergency vet, the vet told them that she had a cancerous tumor that had ruptured, filling her belly with blood, and causing her to collapse and have a hard time breathing.  They had 2 options- emergency surgery to remove the tumor, and give Abbie maybe 6 months tops, or to put her to sleep, so she didn't have to suffer.  

They chose to put her to sleep- which I am sure was an incredibly hard decision for them to make.  

So now, we 4 are just sad.  Well, 5, if you include poor Milo, who just lost his best friend, but doesn't really understand what the heck is going on.  He's our family cat- and he and Miss Abbie got along so well- and were always playing and wrestling and chasing each other around the house.   

It's hard to explain how I'm feeling- but if you have a dog, you totally understand.  I truly feel like I just lost one of my closest friends, a part of my family, and I am just completely heartbroken.

We got Abbie the summer between my sophomore and junior year of college.  She was teeny when we brought her home- only 6 weeks old.  She was also a 3-1 decision, just like our first German Shepherd Saxony had been.  Except it was a different 3-1.... it was Mommy, Liz, and me versus Daddy.  Liz and I won again.   She was a family summer project.  We all helped train her, housebreak her... you name it, we raised this puppy together.

She was our baby, which of course turned her into a 75 pound mush.  She always was more afraid of her own shadow than anybody could possibly be of her.  (Are we seeing a trend with how we Sedlaks' raise our dogs.... they are all huge babies!)

We all spoiled her rotten- and treated her like a part of our family.  I swear that dog could understand every word you said to her.... well at least she looked at you like she did.  No matter how bad of a day any of us were having, all it took was one look at Abbie, and she would come over and lick your face- whether you wanted her to or not.  She was just the sweetest girl- and loved all of us completely unconditionally.

I think that's really the wonderful thing about having a pet- dogs or cats- they just love you.  No matter what, they just love you for you.  The tradeoff of that unconditional love is the hurt we all feel right now... which just hurts.  No way around it really.  

I googled a bunch of quotes before, trying to find the right words to describe how I'm feeling, and how much I'm already missing Abbie girl.  Here are a few of my favorites: 


"I think dogs are the most amazing creatures; they give unconditional love. For me they are the role model for being alive."
     -Gilda Radner


"He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion."
     -Unknown


"If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went."
     -Unknown



"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
     -Roger Caras



"My goal in life is to become as wonderful as my dog thinks I am."
     -Toby & Eileen Green

I come and go a lot now from my parents's house these days.  Every time I leave, my parents and Abbie stand in the garage and watch me back out of the driveway.  When I went home for my mom's retirement party last month, I remember looking at Abbie, and thinking that was going to be the last time I saw her.  I couldn't shake that feeling my entire trip back down to Virginia. 

I think I will always have a bit of regret that I wasn't there with Abbie when my parents made the decision to put her to sleep.  But I know she is happier now, and not hurting anymore, and I'm taking comfort in that. 

I have this mental picture of Abbie and Saxony playing together, wherever they are, waiting for the rest of us to join them.  And that is also a huge comfort to me.   

National PTSD Awareness Day

Today, June 27th, is National PTSD Awareness Day.

I actually did not know that such a day existed, until last night when I saw mention of it on Facebook.

I think it's pretty great that PTSD gets a "day"... although hopefully sometime in the very near future, we won't need a "day".... hopefully everyone will just understand and accept PTSD for what it is. 

Because this is something that affects my husband's life on a daily basis (whether he chooses to admit it or not) I've made a point to educate myself as much as possible.  My thought process is, if I am going to deal with this, I might as well know as much about it as possible.  Luckily for me, information, help, and resources are becoming more and more available to us all. 

It's so important that we are all educated about PTSD.  This is not something that just affects the military- this can happen to any of us, as the direct result of traumatic events in our lives.  We need to be understanding, accepting, and educated, so we can help those that we love deal with this issue.  As I've said before, the stigma of it all just needs to go away.  There is NOTHING wrong with asking for help.  EVER.  Especially for something as serious as PTSD.  

Here is a list of things that we, as family, friends, and caregivers can do to help those who may be dealing with PTSD:

Ten ways community members can help-

1. Understand that anyone can experience trauma, such as accidents, assault, war, or disasters.
2. Think broadly. When trauma happens, the survivor's family, friends, coworkers, and community are affected.
3. Learn about common reactions to trauma and readjustment to life outside a war zone.
4. Be aware of where get help for trauma survivors, Veterans, and people with PTSD.
5. Expand your understanding of how PTSD is identified and treated.
6. Know that treatment for PTSD works.
7. Ask a Veteran or trauma survivor if talking would help, but do not push if someone is not ready to discuss things.
8. Realize that stigma is a barrier to getting treatment. Getting people to talk or seek help is not always easy. Your encouragement matters.
9. Know the facts. More than half of US adults will experience trauma in their lifetime. About 7% of adults will deal with PTSD at some point. For Veterans and male and female sexual assault survivors, the figure is higher.
10. Connect with self-help resources, apps, and videos about PTSD.

Number 7 on that list is so important- and part of the reason I believe that Randy and I have been able to begin to overcome his PTSD.  From the moment he stepped off the bus in 2004, he has know that I am always willing to listen, and am always here for him.  I'm not sure where we would be if, at times, I hadn't pushed as hard as I did, or been as stubborn as I am.

This list comes from http://www.ptsd.va.gov/.  This website has a lot of great resources and other websites that are helpful for the returning servicemember, and family and friends.

     

Over the hump, and out of my slump

Last week was NOT a good week for me.

 

I felt like I was walking around with a cloud hanging over my head.  Everything and everyone was the enemy- and in my mind, out to get me and intentionally hurt my feelings.

Which was obviously not the case.  I sure did hate feeling that way though. 

I'm lucky though- a good friend reminded me that I'm allowed to feel that way.  So I just kinda embraced the way I was feeling- and realized that eventually, this too shall pass.

It turned out all I needed was a road trip, and a break from my every day routine. 

*~Insert trip to fabulous Camp Lejeune, North Carolina here.~*

I love driving.  Especially during a deployment.  I don't know what it is- maybe it's being able to have control of something while everything else is out of my hands, and most of the time, spinning completely out of control.  It's the ability to control how fast, how slow, the destination, the radio... all of it.  When Randy was deployed in 2007, I would just get in my car and drive.  One time I drove all the way out to Fort Macon and back- just so I could clear my head.  So when I got in the car on Friday afternoon, I instantly felt better.  I knew I had a solid four hours of nothing but driving- and blasting my eardrums out with my loud angry deployment music. 

I had had this trip planned for a while- since our FRO announced that the "Over the Hump" Beach party would be June 18th.  I figured it was a good excuse to head down to NC and spend some time with Leah and Landon, whom I hadn't seen since the day after Randy deployed.  It just so happened that it worked out at a time that I really needed a break.

As soon as I stepped foot on the beach, I immediately felt such a sense of relief, calm, and peace.  My thoughts were drowned out by the wind, the ocean, and a very excited 2 year old who just loves the ocean.  Having a few hours to worry about nothing else but sitting in the sand and getting some sun was definitely what I needed.  I needed to just not think- and it didn't hurt to have one of my closest friends at my side too!

So the moral of this story is- yes, we are allowed to have bad days, deployment or not.  But the important thing to remember is that the bad days go away and the bad feelings will go back into hiding.  Something will remind you that yes, you CAN do this, and you WILL get through this.... whatever "this" is. 

All I needed to do is take a step back, relax, and everything else fell back into place.  I no longer feel like the world is against me- and I am back to my stubborn, kicking this deployment's butt, old self!

Happy Birthday Daddy!

At this point in my blogging, I've talked up every member of my immediate family- except my daddy.  In honor of his birthday, it's his turn!



Daddy and me at my wedding reception- October 6, 2007.

I have a pretty special relationship with my family, and I am lucky that I feel equally close to my mom, dad, and my sister.  My dad is a pretty amazing guy though.  He didn't grow up under the best of circumstances, but he's never really let that stop him.  He wanted his kids to have better than he did- which is something I think everyone wants for their kids- but I know he has done just that.  He's worked incredibly hard as long as I can remember to be able to make my childhood better than his was.  He's done a pretty good job of it too.  There was never a time that my sister and I came home to an empty house- even with 2 parents that worked full time jobs.  He was the one to meet the school bus every afternoon, and he would get us our after school snacks, and help us with our homework.  He's always been there.... always.   Every single chorus concert, dance recital, football game, you name it, daddy was there.  He never once complained, although I am sure he was completely exhausted on more than one occasion.


When I was in 6th grade (maybe even before then??) I started watching NASCAR races with my dad every Sunday.  I loved it- because my mom and sister really weren't interested, so it was something that I just did with my daddy.  He and I have been to probably 6 or 8 races together- and I always loved having that one "thing" that was just ours.  Whenever I hear Gordon Lightfoot's song "Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald" I immediately flash back to the very first race we went to together, at Pocono.  It was pouring down rain while we were driving to the racetrack, and super early in the morning.  I remember him explaining to me that this was a true story, and that men had died.  It's completely random, I know- but every time I hear it that song, I am 12 years old again, in my dad's old Mazda pickup truck, listening to him sing along to it.

My dad has never been one to say very much- but he always tells me he loves me.  He wasn't one to threaten old boyfriends- he would just kindly inform them that he had friends in the mob.  He's protective- but not overly so.  He is kind, caring, and let us have pets growing up- even though he is insanely allergic to just about everything.  He never yelled at us- all it took was one look, and one phrase- "I am so disappointed in you".  I remember my dad saying that just one time- and I have never been so devastated or heartbroken.  

He has always been one half of "the cool parents".  He's let my sister and I make our own decisions, choices, and mistakes- but would always be there for us regardless of the outcome.  I'm not completely sure how he felt when I announced that I was moving to North Carolina to live with my Marine boyfriend- but I always knew he supported me, regardless of what his feelings were at the time.


I'm incredibly blessed that Daddy and Randy have such a good relationship- their mutual love of all things Yankees definitely helps in that area.  Randy doesn't have the best relationship with his dad- but most of the time that doesn't matter- because now he has my dad.  He is the first person we both call for advice, guidance, and help. No matter what the situation is, the answer is to call Daddy.  I love that I can still do that- whether it's for a flat tire, a cracked windshield, or just a random question.  Randy does the same thing- although usually he is asking my dad about some obscure Yankees statistic!

Yankees game- I think in 2009??  I am sure one of them will let me know of the exact date!!

Daddy, thank you so much for everything you've done for me.  I know I don't say it nearly as much as I should, but I love you.  I am just so incredibly lucky to know you are always there, and that I can always count on you.  I don't know what I would do if I didn't have you to rely on, especially with Randy being deployed.  It makes me feel so much better to know you are always only a phone call away, or, if needed, a car ride away.  For me, nothing ever seems impossible- because I can always turn to you for what I need.  I wish every girl was as lucky as Liz and I have been to have you as our daddy- but then again, I'm kinda glad I only had to share you with Lizzy! ;)


I love you, Daddy!

Does halfway mean hitting a wall?

Because that's how I feel right now!

I am trying so damn hard to stay positive, and upbeat, and optimistic.... and I am exhausted! I am DONE.  I feel like I have completely hit a wall this week, and I just don't wanna. 

I don't wanna pack any more freaking flat rate boxes.  I don't wanna write any more letters.  I don't wanna send any more motomails.  I don't wanna stare at my cell phone every. single. Monday. and wait.  I don't wanna be afraid of what Mocha is barking at every time she barks.  I don't wanna have to go to Target and look like a fat kid because I am buying so much junk.... to pack in those effin flat rate boxes.  I don't wanna take that dog out again- isn't it someone else's turn?  I don't wanna worry that I'm forgetting what my husband looks like.  I don't wanna look at a picture of him from Stars and Stripes and worry that he should probably have his kevlar on while talking to those children... shouldn't he? (www.stripes.com)  I don't wanna sleep in our bed by myself anymore- I'm almost to the point where I'm considering sleeping in the guest room.... but I'd have to get new curtains first... and well, that's just not worth it. 

I just am done.  Apparently this deployment, 15 weeks is my breaking point.  Lucky for me, I don't really have another choice in the matter though.  I have to suck it up for another 13 weeks and just do it.  Not just for Randy, but for the guys in his squad too, and for everyone else relying on me to keep smiling and keep on pushing forward.  Because like he told me before he left, it's his job to take care of his guys, my job to take care of him.  And I guess that leaves YOU (my fabulous blog followers) to take care of me. 

I hope this wall starts shrinking here soon, because I sure am sick of staring at it.  I guess right now its a matter of being so close.... yet so far.  Time is slowing down again.  Well, at least the days are dragging.  The weeks are flying by.  

So I guess really I can't complain too much.  

I just hate feeling this way.

But I will push through.  I will walk downstairs in a few minutes and pack 2 more flat rate boxes for my awesome mailman to pick up for me in the morning.  I will sit down tonight and write another letter- number 105 for those keeping track- and put it in the mail in the morning.  I will take the dog for a walk tonight, and not have a nervous breakdown looking out the window when she barks at nothing.  I will stop worrying about that picture- because I recognized the back of his head- and I completely trust my husband's judgement.  And tonight when I go to bed, I will curl up with a bunch of pillows, and his sweatshirt that he sprayed with his cologne the day he left, and I will sleep in our bed, tricking myself into thinking he is laying there too. 

And hopefully soon, I will STOP feeling this way. 

Halfway! (A goals update)

Ok, so at this point, we are about halfway, give or take a few days for some in our unit. 

Thanks Leah for letting me borrow your donut!  Yea for halfway!!

So, in order to keep me pushing forward with my deployment goals, here's where we stand.

1.  Pay off my car. 
     ~Done! I actually did that in April- 2 months ahead of when I would have been finished anyway.  I felt quite accomplished, especially when I received the car title in the mail.  Until I realized that the state of PA had spelled my name wrong.... thanks, Pennsylvania!

2.  Get organized and clean out.
     ~We are getting there.  This is a constant work in progress for me!  I am trying to be better about just throwing things away though.  Those shows like Hoarders kinda freak me out!

3.  Lose 15-20 lbs.
     ~ Also getting there, also a constant work in progress.  I am about halfway to the lower end of that goal, which sounds good to me for the first half!  Our cruise in the winter is definitely my motivation.... I want to rock a bikini body this time around! 

4.  Have a savings account again.
     ~Well, we were getting there.... but Mocha had other plans for me!  That was definitely a setback, although it didn't hurt financially as much as it could if she needed to have that $3500 surgery!

5.  Have at least one fun something to look forward to each month.
     ~Done!  My calendar is filling up, and I am much busier than I was counting on!  Next weekend I am headed down to NC for our halfway battalion beach party, in July I am planning on making it to State College, and home for a baby shower, and in August I am meeting my parents in Baltimore for a Yankees game!  September is obviously reserved, and no plans are being made beyond the first week of the month.  That halfway trip I had tried to plan kinda blew up in my face- also thanks to my puppy- I was so wrapped up in all of that drama I honestly completely forgot... sorry ladies!

6.  Get our fabulous cruise booked and paid for.
     ~We are BOOKED on the Carnival Miracle for January 29, 2012.  8 days in the Southern Carribean- I am so looking forward to the break from reality, and well deserved time with my family and husband.  We are going to have so much fun!!

All in all, I'm pretty pleased with how much I've accomplished so far.  The time is flying- I cannot believe it is June 9th already!  I'm going to kick the rest of this deployment's tail- and keep kicking these goals down too!!

Looking Forward

I went to Target today to buy my new planner.

It's probably incredibly old fashioned, but I still buy a paper planner where I can write everything down.  I've been doing it for YEARS, and I am a stubborn Taurus, and have no intention of changing anytime soon. 

It keeps me organized, as well as my darling husband, who would forget his head if it weren't attached.  (I of course say that in the most loving way possible- but really, when it's not Marine Corps related, Randy has a hard time remembering ANYTHING.  Except my birthday and our anniversary.  He's surprisingly good at remembering the "important" dates.)

Anyway.....   

I am now sitting here filling in all the things that will be happening July 2011-June 2012.   It's making me pretty excited- and a little nervous at the same time.  There are a LOT of big things happening between those dates!

Just between now and the end of 2011, we have HOMECOMING, a big move back to NC (still no clue when exactly this will happen), I will be looking for a new job, the 236th USMC Birthday Ball that will NOT be in the gym (yea for no high school dance!!), and of course the holidays.  Decisions will also be made about what exactly Randy wants to do when he grows up- I told him to just wait to make that decision until he is back home, and we can actually have a decent conversation about it.  (I still think he is going to re-enlist though- its just a matter of what he wants to do with that re-enlistment!)

The first half of 2012 is shaping up to be pretty good too- at the end of January will be our celebratory cruise, and in May will be my (gulp!) 30th birthday.  Still having a bit of a problem with that number- but it is what it is, and I have a good 11 months to wrap my brain around that one! I've already informed Randy that I am going to need something sparkly from the islands to celebrate my birthday and make me feel better about being 30.... ;)

It's nice to be able to look forward like this- and know that there are so many great things that are going to happen.  For a girl whose husband is deployed, I think it makes each day a little bit easier.