3 months down and a day late

Now I'm 2 days late.

Oh well.

Month three has been completely uneventful and very unexciting.

That's probably why I felt like the month of May was never ending. On the flip side- I already feel like June is FLYING by.  That is ok by me!

I spent a lot of time by myself- and I am ok with that.  It gave me a lot of time to think- which again was ok.  It led me to a major revelation- some of which I blame on my fantastic trip to California to visit some of our closest friends.  

 

Coming back from California made me realize that I might not be as happy where I am as I could be at this moment in my life.  It's hard to find happiness during deployment- and many years ago, right before we kicked off deployment number 3, I was reminded that you are miserable enough while they are deployed- so you need to make choices and do things that will make you as happy as you can be.  

So- with that in mind- I am starting to make changes that will make me happy right now.  I'm taking bigger risks- although "risky" for me right now is buying a loveseat from a website that's a final sale.... but for me, that's a pretty big risk.  I'm speaking up for myself and saying no to more things.  I'm getting stuck in a rut, and I just don't want to be.  I'm choosing to do things that will make me happy now- hopefully these choices will ultimately make my family happy in the long term.

The next couple months will be a bit more challenging- in that we have some long stretches where I will not hear from the boy.  Since I've talked to him every single day since he has left, this will be a bit of an adjustment for us both, but I will take a couple weeks of not hearing from him and knowing that he is safe versus what we have experienced in the past: months of fear with no communication during the height of fighting season in Iraq.  I will certainly miss our daily chats, but we will be ok. 

I'm excited for what the next few months will hold- and looking forward to making choices that will make ME happy.  

Stay tuned!

2013- Military Spouse Appreciation Day

Today, May 10, 2013, is Military Spouse Appreciation Day.

 

 

 You can read my 2011 post here.

When I agreed to move to North Carolina with Randy in 2005, I really had no idea what to expect.  I was moving to a different state, I knew nobody, and he was leaving in 6 weeks for his second deployment to Iraq.  The spouses I met just a few days later welcomed me with open arms- and taught me everything I know about being a military spouse.  

I watched them as we all struggled with a difficult deployment that affected us all deeply.  I watched them cook meals, fly to funerals to comfort friends, run meetings, calm our fears, and answer our questions.  They did all this while their own spouses were deployed.  They were just as afraid as the rest of us- but I would have never known that.  They handled everything thrown at them with such grace, courage, and strength, and I have done my best to model myself after what I saw from them.  

They taught me so much- and continue to teach me.  It is an honor to be amongst their ranks- and to be a part of this amazing community.  I am thankful every single day- and so appreciative for the amazing examples I had early on.  

I have now been a military spouse for over 5 years.  There are good days, bad days, and the best days ever- but every day I know that I do not walk alone.  I am surrounded by some of the strongest women I have ever had the privilege of knowing- let alone calling my friends, my sisters.  I am only as strong as those that support me- and I am incredibly lucky to be completely surrounded by some of the strongest women I know.  

They are the ones that answer my calls at 2 am, drive to comfort me when I just need a friend, put their own needs on the back burner to take care of a neighbor's kid, volunteer way too much, move to a different state the moment orders are issued, and still manage to smile and laugh and enjoy everything that life throws at us.  

So- to my fellow milspouses- Thank You.  Thank you for all YOU do to support our fighting men and women.  Thank you for all you do to support your fellow spouses.  Without you, I would not be where I am, or who I am for that matter.  

I am eternally grateful to each and every one of you.  

Month 2 is in the books!

As of about 7:00 this morning, we officially put month 2 in the books.

I could not be happier.  

This month has been challenging for me, and for once, it really has nothing to do with the deployment.  (Alright, maybe it does- if the boy were around, I think maybe I would have handled things better- differently? who knows.)

The boy is still floating around in the middle of who knows where.  I am still hearing from him regularly, which is such an amazing gift.  I have moments where I feel guilty that I have talked to my husband practically every day since he left, but then I remind myself that we have paid our dues.  In past deployments, we have gone months with no communication, so I am thanking my lucky stars for this gift we have this time around. 

I just got home from my week long trip to California, which was definitely the bright spot for month 2.  It was amazing to be able to spend a week surrounded by some of my closest friends- who truly are my family- when I desperately needed to be reminded what family truly was.  

My big grown up realization this month was that maybe family isn't what we are born into.  It turns out the family we are born with can stab you in the back and say hateful, terrible things just as easily as a stranger can.  The family that Randy and I have created for ourselves- our great, big, wonderful, chaotic Marine Corps Family- will always be there when we need them.   

Month 2 highlights:

     -A flower delivery at work.  Apparently the boy has been a bit of a slacker in the letter writing department- his words not mine!- and felt bad.  I love flowers for no reason!

     -Turning 29 plus 2.....  despite being slightly sad about my age, I really had a fantastic day.

 

     -My car was rear ended AGAIN.  This is the third time this has happened since we have moved to NOVA.  But- it was taken care of while I was in California, and was able to pick up my car this morning.  I handled it.  :)

     -I kicked off my deployment weight loss journey... which was completely sidelined by my trip west... whoops.  I started again today, so we shall see!

     -My trip to California!! We were busy! Wine tasting, cupcakes, seals in La Jolla, a fabulous pre-birthday dinner in Coronado, and just lots of time with friends.  

     -Decisions were made, and deadlines were created.  The boy and I have some big choices to make in the upcoming months... mostly concerning our next step in the Marine Corps.  He also FINALLY made a decision about the motorcycle he wants... which, according to him, was the most stressful thing for him this deployment.  (Seems strange, but this is our new deployment reality, and I will take it!)


All in all, this was another quick month.  I am hoping that this coming month will be less stressful, and that I will be able to focus on the positive.

Oh... and one more thing!  A book was written and recently published that gives an account of Randy's first deployment in Fallujah, Iraq in 2004.  It was an awesome read- definitely hard for me at times, but gave me a much better understanding of what transpired during our very first deployment.  Be sure to check it out!  The website is: http://www.memoirsofanoutlaw.com/. 

Hope For the Warriors

About a month ago, I was asked to write a guest blog for a fantastic organization, Hope for the Warriors.  

I have been involved in this organization practically since it was created.  While my role has always been tiny compared to what these amazing Marine wives have been able to accomplish, it is an organization that I absolutely adore, will always support, and will forever be in my heart.  

It was truly an honor to be able to contribute something that would potentially help other spouses and caregivers.  Again, while my contribution was tiny, I hope that by telling our story, I was able to help someone, somewhere.  I hope that I was able to give another spouse the courage to realize it is OK to ask for help.  I hope that I was able to give a Marine the courage to realize that maybe what they are feeling is "normal" in our world.  I hope that I gave a fellow military family the strength to step forward and deal with what they are feeling.  

In case you missed it, here is the link to my guest blog.  Please share- the more we talk about PTSD and what our servicemembers have dealt with, the more we are able to make the stigma go away.

http://hopeforthewarriors.blogspot.com/2013/03/dealing-with-ptsd-and-deployments.html

One Month Down!

Today, April 6th, means we are officially ONE month down in this deployment!!!!

Whew!!!  It's been a busy month- and went by much faster than I thought it would.  Usually (for me) the first month is the longest and the hardest.  But this time around, time is flying.... and I am definitely NOT complaining!

After 4 combat deployments, this MEU deployment stuff is pretty easy.  Now, I am not trying to take away from anyone who might be having a rough time with this type of deployment, but for me, I would take this any day.  I keep telling Randy that they need to come up with a different word for this- because this is NOT my definition of a deployment!! It is a welcome change for me to actually be able to sleep soundly at night, and not have a constant pit in my stomach.  I can actually take a deep breath- and go about my day to day routine and not feel guilty about getting to enjoy my life.  I can actually smile, and laugh, and have fun- and not feel like I have someone sitting on my chest.  

I'm actually really jealous of the boy- he got to spend 4 days in Cyprus, and I actually got to see some sights and sounds and food there as well- thanks to technology.  (My iPhone is now my new best friend!)  I am completely thrilled that he can actually relax and enjoy himself- and see the world, like he was promised almost 10 years ago when he enlisted in the Marine Corps.  He deserves this- he deserves to kick back at a bar in Cyprus, and laugh and have a good time.  I am incredibly happy that he gets these opportunities- and it doesn't hurt that he is buying me pretty things too!

In no particular order, my month one highlights:

     -My iPhone.  I am seriously in love, and incredibly thankful that I got the phone when I did.  Communication with the boy is SO much easier- however he tries to get a hold of me, I can instantly answer back!

     -I redecorated my living room.  No idea where this came from- I woke up one morning and just decided I was sick of EVERYTHING.  Thankfully, I had houseguests that could help me with the "man" stuff:

best houseguests ever! :)

 

     -I got to drive home in the worst snowstorm Northern VA had gotten all winter.  This was of course on deployment day, when I was functioning on 4 hours of sleep tops.  Super fun.  But 4 wheel drive, new tires, and my kick ass PA driving skills definitely saved the day.  I probably won't do that again any time soon though.  Really not much fun at all!

     -Easter 2013.  The year the Sedlak family ALL got the stomach bug.  Sharing means caring right??

     -I got to snuggle cute babies:

TJ

Cora

 

 

 

 

Emma and Auntie :)

 All in all, it was a pretty decent first month.  I am hoping that communication with the boy continues to stay pretty consistent, and that he continues to enjoy himself and stay busy.  I am already starting to plan my weekends for May, and I am working on finalizing the details for my trip to California.  I am busy, relaxed, and taking it one day at a time.  You can't ask for much more than that!

This is hard.

Deployment Day number 5 is way too close for comfort.  Right now, the number of days we have left before d-day can be counted on less than 2 hands.  And I hate it.  I also hate just about everyone and everything too right now, so I apologize to those that might be catching the brunt of my bad attitude.  

It's hard to remain cheerful and try to appreciate what people are saying.  I do appreciate the kind words... but there's not really anything that can make me feel better right now.  I know that it will get better... I get to that point each and every time, but right now, I am bitter and angry. (And not so secretly hoping this sequester will cancel the deployment altogether. [I also know that is wishful thinking.])

I have cried to the point where I have bruises under my eyes... to go along with the fabulous dark circles from lack of sleep.  I'm wishing that we would have gotten out of the Marine Corps in October... I am wishing that he never joined the Marine Corps period.

This is HARD.  There is no easy way around it.  I keep reminding myself that this is not a combat deployment, but at the moment it honestly doesn't make me feel better.  I might not worry about my husband for every waking second for the next 8 months, but I sure as hell am going to miss him.  I hate knowing that I am going to have to watch him say goodbye to the "kids", and that none of them are really going to understand where he's going.  I know that Mocha will pace and whine and cry because she sees Daddy's truck, but doesn't see Daddy.  And that will absolutely break my heart.  

Right now, 8 months seems like a lifetime, and it hurts to think that I really have to spend that much time away from my husband.  I'm having a really hard time at the moment finding the good, the positive, and the light at the end of the tunnel.  I'm hoping that by this time next week, I will be feeling a bit more optimistic and ready to conquer whatever deployment number 5 will throw at me, whether it is sink monsters or surgery for the dog.

It will get better, and before I know it, 8 months will be 7... and I can do 7 months in my sleep. 

The In Between

Ugh.  I think this is my least favorite part about the deployment cycle... the weird limbo in between thing we are experiencing right now.

Randy got back yesterday after a month long training.  We have a handful of weeks left until he is gone for 8 months.

And it sucks.

I am at the point where I just want him gone already- because any military wife will tell you- the sooner they leave, the sooner they get back home.  I am, at this point, desperate to start the countdown.  I am sick of this looming sense of doom... because that is what I am dealing with now.

I want to be happy that my husband is home, and we get to spend a long weekend together, but at the same time... I'm afraid to allow myself to get too comfortable in having him home again- because I know it is short lived.  I know that in just a few weeks, I am on my own again for the long haul.  

It's hard to balance preparing myself for deployment, and enjoying the last few days I have left with my guy.  It's just a sucky feeling.  

I used to intentionally pick fights with him, and distance myself from him... because somehow in my mind, that would make it easier when he actually left if I was mad at him for whatever stupid thing I had created in my head.  I've learned that that's not really the best way to handle things, and I make an effort to NOT do that- and just do my very best to enjoy the time we have given.  

The pit in my stomach is there- although I don't think it's as big as it usually is at this point before he leaves.  It makes a huge difference knowing that this is not a combat deployment (at least not yet.)  I actually had a twinge of jealousy the other day when he was rattling off the list of places he will be going- that is definitely something new in relation to deployments.  

Some of these feelings are definitely new- but the suck factor is still the same.  I still have to say see you later, and I still have to get in my car and drive home to an empty house.  I'll allow myself to wallow in self-pity for a day or so, then I will snap myself out of it and move on with my life.   

Until that day comes though, I will try my hardest to make the best of the in between... and I will remember that each day- good, bad, indifferent- will bring me closer to the big goal- homecoming.