The In Between

Ugh.  I think this is my least favorite part about the deployment cycle... the weird limbo in between thing we are experiencing right now.

Randy got back yesterday after a month long training.  We have a handful of weeks left until he is gone for 8 months.

And it sucks.

I am at the point where I just want him gone already- because any military wife will tell you- the sooner they leave, the sooner they get back home.  I am, at this point, desperate to start the countdown.  I am sick of this looming sense of doom... because that is what I am dealing with now.

I want to be happy that my husband is home, and we get to spend a long weekend together, but at the same time... I'm afraid to allow myself to get too comfortable in having him home again- because I know it is short lived.  I know that in just a few weeks, I am on my own again for the long haul.  

It's hard to balance preparing myself for deployment, and enjoying the last few days I have left with my guy.  It's just a sucky feeling.  

I used to intentionally pick fights with him, and distance myself from him... because somehow in my mind, that would make it easier when he actually left if I was mad at him for whatever stupid thing I had created in my head.  I've learned that that's not really the best way to handle things, and I make an effort to NOT do that- and just do my very best to enjoy the time we have given.  

The pit in my stomach is there- although I don't think it's as big as it usually is at this point before he leaves.  It makes a huge difference knowing that this is not a combat deployment (at least not yet.)  I actually had a twinge of jealousy the other day when he was rattling off the list of places he will be going- that is definitely something new in relation to deployments.  

Some of these feelings are definitely new- but the suck factor is still the same.  I still have to say see you later, and I still have to get in my car and drive home to an empty house.  I'll allow myself to wallow in self-pity for a day or so, then I will snap myself out of it and move on with my life.   

Until that day comes though, I will try my hardest to make the best of the in between... and I will remember that each day- good, bad, indifferent- will bring me closer to the big goal- homecoming.