A double edged sword

Ugh.

(Before I get too far in- let me clarify- I am not complaining, just venting. Anything I say is not meant to offend anyone- just my personal feelings about how things work for me- not anybody else.  And besides, its my blog!)

I'm supposed to be happy when my husband returns from deployment.  And trust me I am.  I am happy that I don't have to worry every day and every night.  I am happy that I don't have to cart my cell phone around everywhere I go, just in case he has a chance to call.  

But I am frustrated, completely conflicted, and absolutely overwhelmed. 

Right now, I am in Virginia.  He is in North Carolina. 

And it completely sucks.  Yes I know it could be worse- it could be opposite coasts, he could still be in Afghanistan, etc.  But by the time he got home, I really thought that we would have things figured out.  He would get off the bus, my bags would be packed, TMO would be ready to roll, and I would have found the perfect job in Jacksonville.  

Well, he got off the bus.  That's about as far as my plan went.  And we all know how I am about planning.  So now that I have this plan in my head- I am furious that NOTHING after step one has gone the way I thought.  

I also know that I need to be patient, that the right job will come along... but its really hard to keep believing that and convincing myself to keep looking when I have been looking for a solid year.  Granted, my heart isn't totally in it, because I have a job.  And I like my job.  I truly enjoy getting up each day and going to work.  I work with great people, there isn't a whole lot of stress involved, and I get stuff done.  I am appreciated and valued.  And I know in the long run I am making a difference.  

When I moved to Jacksonville almost seven years ago, I settled.  I was right out of college, wasn't totally sure what I wanted to do, and I took the first job that I was hired for.  When that didn't work out for me, I took the next job that I could.  Again, wasn't totally what I wanted to do, but I did it because I wanted to work.  I don't want to have to do that again in Jacksonville.  I want to be able to do something that makes me happy, instead of just working because I have to.  I don't feel like I can be the best wife, daughter, sister, friend that I can be if I am completely miserable in my job. 

And that's where the double edged sword comes in.  

I just don't know what to do.  

Do I keep working and doing a job that I enjoy, getting paid what I am worth, and missing my husband so much I can't sleep at night?  Or do I settle for another crap job just because it's a job- and get to be with my husband in North Carolina?

According to the Marine Corps, I am to drop everything on a dime and move wherever they decide they need my husband.  My career just isn't important.  Sometimes I feel like I should have been stripped of my degrees, and everything I value about being myself, to fit in the perfect Stepford mold of being a Marine Corps wife- whatever that is.  

Sometimes I wish I could be happy as a housewife or a mom.  But that's just not me.  I worked my tail off for four and a half years to earn my degree, and I am really proud of that fact.  I wasn't a wife first- I was a college graduate first.  I wish I could be happy with what the Marine Corps thinks will make me happy.  I really do.  Because it sure would make these last few weeks a lot easier.  

But then again- if it were that easy, that would mean (to me) that somewhere in this process I have lost sight of who I truly am, what my values are, and everything that makes me, well, me.  

The one thing I have learned about the Marine Corps is that it has to work for all parties involved.  If this doesn't work for both Randy and myself, then something isn't right.  Right now, we are making it work the best way we know how.  I hate that he has to sacrifice to make this work for me- but that is why I love him.  We both know that in the end the time we spent apart will (hopefully!) be worth it- a great job will come along, and I will be able to move down to North Carolina knowing that I haven't sacrificed myself in the process.  

And in the end, it will only make our relationship stronger and better.