A double edged sword

Ugh.

(Before I get too far in- let me clarify- I am not complaining, just venting. Anything I say is not meant to offend anyone- just my personal feelings about how things work for me- not anybody else.  And besides, its my blog!)

I'm supposed to be happy when my husband returns from deployment.  And trust me I am.  I am happy that I don't have to worry every day and every night.  I am happy that I don't have to cart my cell phone around everywhere I go, just in case he has a chance to call.  

But I am frustrated, completely conflicted, and absolutely overwhelmed. 

Right now, I am in Virginia.  He is in North Carolina. 

And it completely sucks.  Yes I know it could be worse- it could be opposite coasts, he could still be in Afghanistan, etc.  But by the time he got home, I really thought that we would have things figured out.  He would get off the bus, my bags would be packed, TMO would be ready to roll, and I would have found the perfect job in Jacksonville.  

Well, he got off the bus.  That's about as far as my plan went.  And we all know how I am about planning.  So now that I have this plan in my head- I am furious that NOTHING after step one has gone the way I thought.  

I also know that I need to be patient, that the right job will come along... but its really hard to keep believing that and convincing myself to keep looking when I have been looking for a solid year.  Granted, my heart isn't totally in it, because I have a job.  And I like my job.  I truly enjoy getting up each day and going to work.  I work with great people, there isn't a whole lot of stress involved, and I get stuff done.  I am appreciated and valued.  And I know in the long run I am making a difference.  

When I moved to Jacksonville almost seven years ago, I settled.  I was right out of college, wasn't totally sure what I wanted to do, and I took the first job that I was hired for.  When that didn't work out for me, I took the next job that I could.  Again, wasn't totally what I wanted to do, but I did it because I wanted to work.  I don't want to have to do that again in Jacksonville.  I want to be able to do something that makes me happy, instead of just working because I have to.  I don't feel like I can be the best wife, daughter, sister, friend that I can be if I am completely miserable in my job. 

And that's where the double edged sword comes in.  

I just don't know what to do.  

Do I keep working and doing a job that I enjoy, getting paid what I am worth, and missing my husband so much I can't sleep at night?  Or do I settle for another crap job just because it's a job- and get to be with my husband in North Carolina?

According to the Marine Corps, I am to drop everything on a dime and move wherever they decide they need my husband.  My career just isn't important.  Sometimes I feel like I should have been stripped of my degrees, and everything I value about being myself, to fit in the perfect Stepford mold of being a Marine Corps wife- whatever that is.  

Sometimes I wish I could be happy as a housewife or a mom.  But that's just not me.  I worked my tail off for four and a half years to earn my degree, and I am really proud of that fact.  I wasn't a wife first- I was a college graduate first.  I wish I could be happy with what the Marine Corps thinks will make me happy.  I really do.  Because it sure would make these last few weeks a lot easier.  

But then again- if it were that easy, that would mean (to me) that somewhere in this process I have lost sight of who I truly am, what my values are, and everything that makes me, well, me.  

The one thing I have learned about the Marine Corps is that it has to work for all parties involved.  If this doesn't work for both Randy and myself, then something isn't right.  Right now, we are making it work the best way we know how.  I hate that he has to sacrifice to make this work for me- but that is why I love him.  We both know that in the end the time we spent apart will (hopefully!) be worth it- a great job will come along, and I will be able to move down to North Carolina knowing that I haven't sacrificed myself in the process.  

And in the end, it will only make our relationship stronger and better.  

It's Official- I am a FOUR deployment survivor!

It's OVER!!!!!

Finally, finally, FINALLY, deployment number four is a thing of the PAST.

September 19th ranks right up there with September 25, October 1, and March 21.  All of these days mark the END of our deployments.  Each year when they roll around, they make me smile.  They remind me of what I have accomplished as a Marine Corps wife, and what Randy and I have conquered together.

There are no words to describe seeing those buses pull into the parking lot.  It is the BEST feeling in the world.  (Ask any Marine wife- those buses are the worst, and then the best thing ever!)

And then when you FINALLY- after 206 days- get to see him again- once again, there are no words. 

Good thing for pictures though!!

Every time I look at that picture, the only word that comes to mind is relief.  Relief that we made it through stronger and better, relief that my husband is home safe and sound, and relief that it is over. 

I am so glad I had a photographer there- because honestly, that whole day is a blur.  (Amanda Courtney did a fantastic job- check her out here!  I can't wait to see the rest of our pictures!) 

I was lucky enough to have not only my parents, but my sister and her boyfriend, AND our good friends Nick, Christi, and Christi's adorable little girls to keep me occupied and laughing while we waited a solid three hours.  (Honestly, Christi's girls were waaaay more patient than I was!!)

I think I was much more relaxed this time though because Randy had a cell phone with him and was able to let me know exactly what was going on every step of the way.  He called me when they landed at Cherry Point, when they left, and when they hit certain landmarks on their way back to base.  It definitely made the waiting a lot easier for me. 

It was great to be able to spend that time with everyone- and what I love MOST about our pictures is that our family and friends are in all of our pictures too.  It just makes it even more special for me.  It meant so much to both of us that they took time out of their day to be there.

Funny part about this picture is I honestly do not remember Nick yelling and carrying on like he is.  It's like the entire world froze for that moment, and nothing that was happening around us even mattered. 

I could have stayed right there in that moment forever.  Nothing else mattered- except that Randy and I were together again.

Turns out, seven months is a pretty decent chunk of time.  I accomplished a lot, I kept myself busy, and I learned some things, and was reminded of others.  Now that this deployment is behind us, I can reflect and realize that as much as deployments suck- it will only ever be as bad as you make it.  

I could have sat around and moped and cried and not eaten- but what's the point? It's not going to change anything, and the dog would have starved- she only eats after I eat.  I could have attempted to do every single thing myself- but I realized that it's a lot easier to ask for help, especially if people are offering.  


I was reminded that I am much stronger than I think I am, and that my Marine wife friends are some of the toughest, strongest and most dedicated people I will ever have the privilege of knowing.  I am incredibly lucky to know the women (and I guess the guys too!) that I do-and so thankful to be a part of this crazy Marine Corps family.  

Whew- and I was also reminded what it feels like to breathe.  I'm pretty sure I had been holding my breath since February 25th!

Deployment Goals- the FINAL Update!!

Ok.  Seriously.  Where have the last 29 weeks of my life gone???

Somewhere in the midst of the madness- time has flown by.

And this girl is NOT complaining.

As I type this, my darling dearest is on the move, and I can count on ONE hand the number of days left until I see him again.

The anticipation is just about enough to drive me crazy. 

But regardless of how slowly these next few days drag.... the end result is the same.  Randy will be home, safe and sound.  And deployment number 4 will be behind us. 

I thought now would be a good time to revisit my goals and see where we stand. So here we go:

1.  Pay off my car- still done, and still a great feeling!  I get into my car and say to myself- "Look at me in my paid off car!!" ha!

2.  Get organized, and clean out.  Turns out I was a little more organized than I thought.  This didn't keep me as busy as I had hoped.  I left Randy's uniform closet for him to deal with though- that sucker is a hot mess, and I'd probably get in trouble if I attempted to deal with the uniforms!

3.  Lose 15-20 lbs.  I am down 15 lbs (depending on the day!) since the boy left!

4.  Have a savings acccount again- Mission accomplished!  Although I don't think I saved enough- I always kick myself right about now- and wish I would have done things a little differently and saved some more.  Oh well.  It is what it is!

5.  Have one fun something to look forward to each month- also done!  Thanks to all my fabulous friends and family for keeping me way more occupied than I thought I would be.  It is thanks to you that time has gone by so quickly for me!

6.  Get our cruise booked and paid for- Well.  About that.  It's booked, but I am scared to pay any more on it.  With so much up in the air right now, there is just no telling what January will hold.  So until some decisions have been made, that is on hold for the moment.  Although I am pretty sure we will be able to go.  You just never know what the Marine Corps has in the works for you!

All in all, I feel successful and accomplished. 

Regardless of the outcomes of my goals, the deployment is behind us.  I survived it with my sanity and dignity intact.  I hope I also made it through with a little bit of grace, patience, and understanding. 

But most importantly, Randy is on his way HOME!  What more could I need or want???

I remember, and will never forget.

Today is a day that has changed a lot of things in a lot of different ways. 

It is a day of unspeakable loss and tragedy, and a day of courage and patriotism.

I always remember my parents talking about how they remembered exactly where they were when Kennedy was shot, or when the space shuttle Challenger exploded.  I had hoped that my generation would never have one of those days.  

September 11, 2001 was that day for my generation.

Ten years ago. 

I still remember every single detail of that day like it was yesterday. 

I was a sophomore at Penn State, getting ready for my Political Science class at 10:10 at the Forum.  I watched the Today Show every morning, and was sitting on my floor curling my hair.  I remember the breaking news of a plane hitting one of the towers.  I continued to get ready, and I remember thinking how stupid someone had to be to crash a plane into the towers.  As they continued their coverage, a second plane hit the other tower, and that's when the entire world realized it wasn't just an accident.  I left for my class, knowing at that point that another plane had also crashed into the Pentagon.  I don't think I quite understood everything that was happening, and what it all really meant.

By the time I made it to the Forum, the first tower had collapsed.  Our professor had the TV going in the lecture hall, and announced that class was cancelled.  He told us that we could stay- because we were watching history unfold.  While I sat in that classroom, the second tower collapsed. 

The whole week was a fog of emotions, tears, and sadness.  Penn State held a candlelight vigil on Old Main lawn that Friday.  I think that's when it finally hit me what all had actually happened to our country. 

I could go on and on- because I really do remember every detail of that day.  But this day- September 11- ten years later- is not about me. 

It is about those that had no idea that would be the last time they saw, spoke to, touched their loved ones. 

It is about the innocent lives that were lost at the Pentagon, at the World Trade Center, and in a field in Pennsylvania. 

It is about the families that will forever have an empty seat at the table, and forever have a piece of their heart missing. 

We can never forget the lives lost that day.  We must make sure that the next generation knows of this day, and knows how it changed our lives forever. 

Hopefully, the next generation will never have to face such unspeakable horror, sadness, and tragedy the way we, as a nation, did on September 11, 2001.

We will never forget.

Half a year.

6 months.

26 weeks.

181 days.

That's how long it's been since D-Day.

That seems like an awful long time.  (But really it's not- because if we were Army, we would barely be halfway through a deployment instead of a few weeks away from homecoming.  Remember- it could ALWAYS be worse!)


In that time I have sent 172 letters and at least 50 packages. 

I have received at least 28 phone calls- maybe a couple more, and 12 letters. (He claims some of his letters have gotten "lost in the mail."  Sure they have honey!)

I have enrolled a dog in daycare- which, it turns out, is much like enrolling a child in school.  Visits to the doctor, extra shots, piles of paperwork to fill out.... temperament screenings... and on and on.

I have planned and successfully completed a trip to California.

I have paid off my car.

I have nursed a dog through leg surgery, and lifted the brat  into my car for a trip to the emergency vet.

I have survived a 5.8 magnitude earthquake (ha!) a 4.5 aftershock, and possibly a major hurricane this weekend.

I've been a busy girl!

I still have a few more weeks to go until homecoming, and I am hoping that time will speed up a little bit, although I doubt that very much.  I am trying to stay busy, but this weekend especially, the damn weather seems to have other plans for me.  Thanks, Hurricane Irene.  

On a sidenote- this will be the second hurricane that I have weathered by myself, while the boy was off saving the world.  Two weeks before he came home in 2005, I was in Jacksonville.  We got nailed by Hurricane Ophelia.  That thing stalled off the coast, and it rained for 3 days straight.  I was lucky that I had power the entire time, and had just had a new computer delivered. I believe that the boy's foot locker was shoved through my doorway midway through that storm too.  I'm hoping that I am just as lucky this time around.  Although my plans for the weekend seem to be shot- I was headed up to Baltimore for a Yankees game- I know there are far worse things that I could be dealing with right now.  

Mother Nature apparently wanted month number six to end in style- with earthquakes, hurricanes, and freaky orange skies!

One step closer

This has been one looooong week.

My end-of-deployment insomnia is starting. I don't really know what that's all about- but it happens every deployment.  I think its just sheer excitement keeping me awake at night.

I've also been stressed out a lot lately.  Just a lot on my mind, and the impatience of having to wait until Randy gets home to make plans and decisions is starting to wear on me. 

Anyway, we hit another deployment/homecoming milestone yesterday. 

A pretty big one.  I got a box from Randy! 

I've been looking for this box for the last month.  I don't know what the deal is, but mail from Afghanistan takes forevvvver.  Seriously.  Anything that I've mailed Randy hasn't taken any longer than 2 weeks tops.  But even letter mail that he has sent me has taken up to 6 weeks.  This package was sent out in mid-July.  It took almost 5 weeks to get to me. 

But again, his timing couldn't have been better.  After a long, sucky, stressful week (where once again I swear I've reached my breaking point!)  I pulled into my driveway and noticed a whole heap of boxes on my porch.  (hello, online shopping!)

When I realized that one of the boxes was THE box- I started crying.

Lame, I know.  But that's all I could do was cry.  To know that we are finally at the point in this deployment where he can send stuff home is just HUGE.  

THE box.  And all of the stamps.

 

It's a huge sense of relief-there are things in this box that he just doesn't need anymore- because he will be home soon.  It's really one of my favorite parts of the deployment process.  

The box also had letters and cards in it that I had sent.  (It makes me laugh when I get a box full of mail that I have sent him- I almost wonder what the point is- then I remember how important it is to him!) There were also 2 discs of pictures, and a disc with a video on it he made for me.  Nothing major with the video- just him sitting there talking to me.  But that was the first time I had seen my husband's face in 6 months.  So again- a pretty big deal for this girl!

I sorted through the letters pretty quickly- but one thing stuck out almost immediately.  How many different people had taken the time to send mail to Randy. It made me cry... again.  (Fair warning- the tears will only get worse from here.  The night before Randy comes home I will be a hot mess- there's no doubt about it.  At that point, its mostly the huge sense of relief I feel, and the emotions that have been building for the last 7 months.)

In the last few deployments, people always said they would send Randy stuff, and write him... but for one reason or another, never got around to it.  But this time- I am confident in saying that every single person who told me they would write to Randy, or asked me for his address actually followed through and sent something.  It was completely overwhelming to me to see how many people had taken time out of their day and their hectic crazy lives to put something in the mail for Randy.  It might not seem like a big deal- but to these guys, mail is what keeps them going.  And really, keeps me going too.  It just completely blew me away- and I am so appreciative to each and every person who took time to send a card or a note or a package to Randy... and his guys.  

The support we have had through this deployment has been nothing short of amazing, and we are both so incredibly blessed to have such wonderful friends who stepped up and supported us through this entire process.   

We would not have been as successful as we have been through this deployment if it weren't for you!

Now.... onward to homecoming!!!

The "perfect" homecoming outfit

Tomorrow the search begins.

The search for the perfect homecoming outfit.

My friend Chelsey has been kind enough- or crazy enough- to volunteer to help me with this search.  So tomorrow we are shopping.  I have no idea what exactly I am looking for.  I'm hoping I will know it when I see it.  However, I am confident I know what I am not looking for.

With this being our 4th homecoming, I have really seen it all.  So I have a good idea of what NOT to wear.  (At least for me!)

1. No White.

In 2004, I traveled to Camp Lejeune with Randy's mom, brother, and a couple close family friends of theirs.  We left late Friday night, and he was due home Saturday afternoon.  I got changed in the Burger King bathroom on base.  (Classy, I know.)  I threw on a white tank top and jeans and flip flops.  My goal was to be comfortable- because I knew we would be waiting for quite a while.  That's just what you do at homecoming.  You wait.  And I was- so I succeeded there.  

What I did not factor in was hugs.  

Once the guys got off the bus- I was hugging absolute strangers (who are now like my big brothers).  It was so completely overwhelming to meet all these guys who knew so much about me already- and they all deserved a hug.  My white tank top quickly became covered with gross handprints.  After all, these guys had been at war for 7 months, and hadn't showered in 2 days because they were traveling, and then had just loaded and unloaded all of their gear from the plane into the trucks. 

Lesson learned- No white!!!

2.  No dresses, and no heels.

The girls that wear dresses and/or high heels are brave in my book.  Again- we are standing around waiting for hours.  There are hundreds of family members and friends, and never enough chairs.  Each homecoming I have found myself sitting on a curb, or plopping down in the middle of the sidewalk.  (That is when I'm not frantically pacing with nervousness and excitement!)

There's just no way to be ladylike in a dress and sit on a sidewalk, unless I want the whole world to be up in my business.  (Which believe it or not, I have seen before!)  There is also no way I would risk potentially breaking an ankle running to greet Randy with heels on.  That's why I stick to flip flips.  (I actually wore the exact same pair of flips to our 3 back to back homecomings.  I'm kinda sad they broke and I won't be able to rock them this year.)

I was looking at pictures on a photographer's Facebook page the other day- and one thing stuck out at me when I looked at one homecoming in particular.  This girl's dress was so short, that when she ran and jumped on her husband- her butt was mere centimeters from hanging out.  Um, no thanks.

3. No costumes, or costume accessories.

Don't worry, you read that right.  You'd be surprised what some significant others wear.  I will never- and I mean NEVER- forget this one.  In 2005 Randy came home on October 1st.  I'm not sure if this one wife missed the memo that Halloween was still a few weeks away.  But I remember trying not to stare.  She was wearing one of those headbands that have devil horns on them.  Glittery sequin covered devil horns.  With a red tank top, plaid skirt, fishnets, and thigh high boots.  Completely appropriate for the family atmosphere that homecoming is, right?  To make it even more memorable, she had about 6 kids and a new puppy that ran circles around her for 2 hours straight, while she sat in a chair and smoked a cigarette.  (I am sure some of my LAR ladies remember this!)

I think I'm putting a bit more thought into my outfit this time around because I have hired a photographer to be there.  So I'm figuring that if I'm spending the money for that, I might as well look nice in the pictures!  You can check out my past homecoming outfits here.

So my goal with the perfect homecoming outfit is to be comfortable, look nice, and be appropriate and memorable- but not memorable in a trashy way.  Hopefully this isn't too tall of an order.  I'll let you know how it goes! ;)