3 months down and a day late

Now I'm 2 days late.

Oh well.

Month three has been completely uneventful and very unexciting.

That's probably why I felt like the month of May was never ending. On the flip side- I already feel like June is FLYING by.  That is ok by me!

I spent a lot of time by myself- and I am ok with that.  It gave me a lot of time to think- which again was ok.  It led me to a major revelation- some of which I blame on my fantastic trip to California to visit some of our closest friends.  

 

Coming back from California made me realize that I might not be as happy where I am as I could be at this moment in my life.  It's hard to find happiness during deployment- and many years ago, right before we kicked off deployment number 3, I was reminded that you are miserable enough while they are deployed- so you need to make choices and do things that will make you as happy as you can be.  

So- with that in mind- I am starting to make changes that will make me happy right now.  I'm taking bigger risks- although "risky" for me right now is buying a loveseat from a website that's a final sale.... but for me, that's a pretty big risk.  I'm speaking up for myself and saying no to more things.  I'm getting stuck in a rut, and I just don't want to be.  I'm choosing to do things that will make me happy now- hopefully these choices will ultimately make my family happy in the long term.

The next couple months will be a bit more challenging- in that we have some long stretches where I will not hear from the boy.  Since I've talked to him every single day since he has left, this will be a bit of an adjustment for us both, but I will take a couple weeks of not hearing from him and knowing that he is safe versus what we have experienced in the past: months of fear with no communication during the height of fighting season in Iraq.  I will certainly miss our daily chats, but we will be ok. 

I'm excited for what the next few months will hold- and looking forward to making choices that will make ME happy.  

Stay tuned!

It's a part of this life

Well.

I've had 2 beers, 3 meltdowns, and my eyes are just about swollen shut.  But I still haven't completely wrapped my brain around this latest bit of news.

 Come spring  2013, the boy will be deploying for a fifth time.

5 deployments.  Seriously??

Before you say anything, let me tell you what I do know at this very moment in time:
 -I know that this is always a possibility, being married to an infantry Marine during a time of global upheaval and conflict.
-I know that there are good things, and that I will find the positive in all this.
-I know that this will be good for his career and his new rank.
-I know that it is NOT a combat deployment.... at least today it isn't.
-I know that this will be the worst that I feel, with the exception of the day he actually leaves.
-I know that I am allowed to feel exactly how I am feeling at this very second.  I deserve a chance to wallow in absolute self pity, and feel incredibly sorry for myself. (I also know, that because this is the 5th time that my husband has had to call and tell me that he is deploying, that this too shall pass.)

But I just don't want to play Pollyanna right now.  I am emotionally exhausted for so many reasons, and I just want a chance to feel sorry for myself.  It is rare that I allow that to happen, because I just refuse to dwell on all the negative in my life.

Deployments are a part of this life.  

Yes, I knew that.  Yes, the boy knew that.  It still does not make it one bit easier.  Deployments are never easy.  If they were, I would seriously question why I continue to stick around to put myself through this.  Deployments are hard, and test you in ways that you never dreamed you would be tested and challenged.  I hate every last second of having to be away from my husband. 

I have very mixed emotions right now, and I am angry at anyone and anything that happens to cross my path.  I apologize for that- but at the same time, I just cannot help myself.  I am once again having some feelings of regret, and wondering what if we had made different choices at step 1, 12, or 2597.  There's no point in looking backward though.  I know it doesn't make a lot of sense, but that's how I feel.  All I want is to live with my husband again and be "normal".  I honestly didn't think that was too much to ask, but apparently when the USMC is involved, it is.

So, tomorrow I will wake up, put on my big girl panties and my superhero cape, and keep leading the life that I have chosen.  The boy will deploy in March whether I like it or not, whether I stick out my tongue and stomp my foot, whether I think it's unfair or not right.  Nothing will stop the clock, so I will embrace it as best I can.

This is a part of this life, and it is what I have chosen.  Good, bad, indifferent or otherwise.  It just doesn't matter.  Deployment number 5 is here to stay, and despite our best efforts, it is happening.  

I will keep telling myself that, but it doesn't mean that the pit in my stomach and the lump in my throat will go away any faster.

The verdict is in

After 20 weeks and 2 days of wondering, we have our answer.

I wish I had better news.  

The boy's package for recruiting has officially been denied.  We expected it, after it was disapproved a few weeks back at step 3 of the process, but it doesn't mean it sucked any less to hear the actual answer.

I'm relieved that we have an answer- because the stress of not knowing and playing the "what if" game was getting exhausting.  (If I were the type of person who didn't eat when she was stressed, I probably would have lost a decent amount of weight in the last 5 months.  Instead.... I am a stress eater... and I am up a few pounds.  I am totally holding the Marine Corps responsible for that one!) 

On a positive-ish note, he does still have the option to extend until his 10 year mark (July 2013.)  All he has to do is sign a paper, and that is pretty much a done deal.  At this point though, I'm just so bitter... and drained... and emotionally exhausted.  Maybe we have given the Marine Corps all we have to offer... and really, what's the point of just putting off the inevitable? 

The boy does still have one more chance to stay in- he needs to be "selected" for Staff Sergeant.  But that is a very competitive, very long process.... and again, because of the drawdown, the number of people being selected is tiny.  (It is a heck of a lot more complicated than that- with zones, numbers, and all sorts of crap- but I barely understand it and won't bore you with too much jargon and acronyms.)  We will find out about that in September- actually, just about a month from now.

If he is selected, not only is he able to stay in until retirement, but he also can resubmit his package for recruiting.

I'm not counting on it though.  After all the disappointment we have already been handed this year, courtesy of the USMC, as far as I am concerned, as of July (if he does extend) we are done with the Marine Corps.  I know- I should try to stay positive, but I have stayed positive through a lot, and seem to still wind up in tears, with a pit in my stomach.  At this point, it is better for me (and my sanity) to convince myself of worst case scenario than continue to have hope.  That way I can be pleasantly surprised instead of terribly disappointed.... again.  

So... we are waiting again.  By our 5 year anniversary on October 6th, we should finally have a better idea of what the future holds.  Until then, we just have to wait and see.

Waiting games

And so we wait.

And wait.

And then hurry up and wait.  

Lots of things are still in a holding pattern- no decisions can truly be made until we get word from HQMC to let us know if his package for recruiting really is completely denied.  (There is a chance that HQMC will tell us it is approved- but it is a teeny chance that we are not counting on.)

It is frustrating and exhausting, but at least once the decision comes down, we can (well mostly he can!) jump into action and do what needs to be done.  We are hoping that the boy will be given the chance to extend until his 10 year mark- which is July of 2013.  That would at least give us some more time to get our acts together and have a little bit of a smoother transition out of the Marine Corps.  

I'm still holding out hope that we will get to stay in.  I'm hoping that everything works out- that he will be approved to go recruiting, he will be promoted, and perhaps I will get that road trip to California... with 2 cats and a dog in tow of course. 

I know that's probably a lot of wishful thinking... but a girl can dream.  I'm remaining cautiously optimistic at this point.  It's been a rough year... so I'm hoping that something will go our way.

Regardless of the outcome though, I know that everything happens for a reason, and that everything will work out exactly how it is supposed to.

Until that time comes, we wait.  

Have I mentioned lately how impatient I am?!

What a week.

I have never been so happy to put a week behind me.  

This past Tuesday, we found out that the boy's package to extend in the Marine Corps to go recruiting was not being recommended for approval.  


Essentially, that means that as of October 6th, we are done with the Marine Corps. Unless he decides to deploy again (number 5 if you are keeping track)- which is something neither one of us is really ready for again.  

Finished- end of story.  

To say we were disappointed was definitely an understatement.  Devastated would really probably be a better word.  


My biggest concern was for the boy- he has only ever wanted to be a Marine.  And, in my opinion at least, he is a pretty darn good Marine.  To find out that that was all being taken away from him really hurt... and frustrated me.


After the devastation went away... a bit.... the panic started to set in.  The reality of no more Marine Corps.  The realization of how much we were really losing in this situation.  


Obviously, the first would be stability- guaranteed paycheck and benefits.  Gone.


Then the random things started flying through my head- he and I are both still residents of PA- the military allows us to retain residency in our home state- our cars and insurance are still PA.  I started crying when I realized that I would have to be a resident of Virginia.  I don't want to be a resident of Virginia!


Then the really silly things- no more dressing up once a year for the birthday ball, no more pictures of the boy in his dress blues for random events.... no more moving every 3 years... No chance of a road trip while PCSing across the country...no possible chance of living in California with a view of the ocean from my windows... just gone.  All of it yanked away with one signature by one person at HQMC who doesn't even know what a fantastic Marine my husband is.  


Every time I thought of something else we would be losing, or giving up... it started a new round of hysterics and panic.  (The hysterics and panic and anger were a bit worse when I realized that this is the second time the Marine Corps has taken away my hopes of going back to State College and being close to friends and family again.)



Yes, I know we have options.  Yes I know everything will work out.  I know everything happens for a reason.  I understand why the numbers across the Marine Corps are being cut and why we are being downsized.  But it sucks when you thought everything was figured out and everything was as stable as it could be for having the military a part of your life.  And it sucks when all of that is snatched away and you are stuck, for a few minutes at least, playing the what if game.  


We got some better news yesterday though, thanks to someone who was actually doing his job as a career planner.  There's a chance that we might still have a future in the Marine Corps... but it would mean more time apart in the immediate future.  We will sit down and talk and weigh our options this weekend.  While I hate the thought of pushing into a third year of living apart... we ultimately need to look to the future and see what we need to do to get to where we want to be.  


At the very least, this past week has taught me that unfortunately, the military isn't a guarantee anymore... for anybody.  We need to be much more prepared than we were (are!) for all of it being taken away.  I need to stay on top of things- and make a list of all the "guarantees" we have in the military.  That way if this situation comes up again, I will be better prepared and not instantly enter into a state of shock and panic.  I will be able to react- and just get things done.  


9 years in... and I am still learning.  This might be the most important lesson the Marine Corps has taught me.  For the next few weeks, I will be hoping for the best, but expecting... and preparing... for the worst.


Stay tuned!

Base stickers may cause shortness of breath...

Last week, I ran a quick errand on my lunch break.  When I was walking back to my car, I happened to glance at my base stickers.  When I realized the date on there, I felt light headed.  

I bet you didn't know base stickers may cause shortness of breath and dizziness, among other things.


Yea, me neither.

 It's a bit unnerving to see a date that is 143 days away and realize that you don't quite know what is going to happen after that date. 

As of today, the boy's contract with the USMC is up as of October 6, 2012.  He intentionally picked that date- it will be our 5th wedding anniversary (and my cousin's wedding day!).

This is the closest we have gotten to our end of contract date and not really knew what was going to happen next.  We've always known months out what was going to happen next- when he reenlisted in 2006, he had more than 8 months left.  When he extended to deploy, he had more than a year left.  


Now we are 4-ish months out, and we know nothing.  We know what we want, but we just need to wait for the Marine Corps to make some decisions.

It is freaking me the heck out, to say the very least.

I am a planner.  And, under normal military spouse circumstances, this is a quality that definitely plays to my advantage.  But in this case, where everything as far as reenlistment and continuing on in the Marine Corps is completely out of our hands and beyond our control, I am a nervous wreck.  I know things will work out how they are supposed to, but it becomes quite frustrating when all you want is an answer- and to know what October 7th will bring.  I just have to wait and be Semper Gumby, while also having plans A-Z ready to go, just in case.  In case of what though, has yet to be decided. 

There's not a whole heck of a lot we can do about it.  Just be patient and wait, and be hopeful that someone or something out there knows what the best next step will be for us.  I do believe that everything happens for a reason, and that everything will work out exactly how it is supposed to.

Until it all works out though, I might have to carry a paper bag around with me for the next time I happen to glance at my base stickers.