200 days

200 days.

6 months, 16 days.

28 weeks, 4 days.

4,800 hours.

Essentially- a long freaking time.



In the last 200 days I have:

-Redecorated my living room

-purchased an iPhone

-survived Easter with a stomach bug

-flew to California

-traveled home to Pennsylvania twice

-decided to move to North Carolina

-successfully completed a solo PCS move in the middle of a deployment with 2 cats, a dog, and my mommy.

-lost 15 lbs (I still have 5 freaking more to go.)

-saved enough money so I could be unemployed and incredibly bored until a good job comes along

-Unpacked 136 boxes in the new house.  (I left the one labeled "Hats" for the boy to take care of.)

-Exchanged lots of emails, letters, packages, and pictures with my guy, and received many calls from an "unknown" caller.  

It has been a long 200 days.  Not as long as past deployments- I've said it before, but this non-combat deployment aspect makes a HUGE difference on my stress levels- but still long enough that I can feel myself slowly going crazy with anticipation.  I am very ready for this deployment to be over- mostly so I can see if my husband and I are actually capable of living under the same roof again.  After 3 years of doing the geo-bachelor thing- we are taking bets on how long before we both get sick of each other!

I am ready for him to be home to see where he lives- I sort of feel bad that at the moment, he needs directions to get to his own house.  I am ready for him to see his dog.  I am ready for him to take out the trash, walk the dog, clean up the kitchen after I cook dinner, help me with laundry, help me with cleaning... the list goes on and on.

I am just ready for us to be a team again.  I am exhausted, and really ready to hand off some responsibilities.  As easy as I make it seem as I manage every aspect of both of our lives, I'm tired.  I'm ready for him to make me crazy because he seems like he's not listening- then repeats every word back verbatim when I yell at him about not listening.  

In a few days, it will be October.  Then I will finally be able to say that my guy will be home NEXT month!

 

 

3 months down and a day late

Now I'm 2 days late.

Oh well.

Month three has been completely uneventful and very unexciting.

That's probably why I felt like the month of May was never ending. On the flip side- I already feel like June is FLYING by.  That is ok by me!

I spent a lot of time by myself- and I am ok with that.  It gave me a lot of time to think- which again was ok.  It led me to a major revelation- some of which I blame on my fantastic trip to California to visit some of our closest friends.  

 

Coming back from California made me realize that I might not be as happy where I am as I could be at this moment in my life.  It's hard to find happiness during deployment- and many years ago, right before we kicked off deployment number 3, I was reminded that you are miserable enough while they are deployed- so you need to make choices and do things that will make you as happy as you can be.  

So- with that in mind- I am starting to make changes that will make me happy right now.  I'm taking bigger risks- although "risky" for me right now is buying a loveseat from a website that's a final sale.... but for me, that's a pretty big risk.  I'm speaking up for myself and saying no to more things.  I'm getting stuck in a rut, and I just don't want to be.  I'm choosing to do things that will make me happy now- hopefully these choices will ultimately make my family happy in the long term.

The next couple months will be a bit more challenging- in that we have some long stretches where I will not hear from the boy.  Since I've talked to him every single day since he has left, this will be a bit of an adjustment for us both, but I will take a couple weeks of not hearing from him and knowing that he is safe versus what we have experienced in the past: months of fear with no communication during the height of fighting season in Iraq.  I will certainly miss our daily chats, but we will be ok. 

I'm excited for what the next few months will hold- and looking forward to making choices that will make ME happy.  

Stay tuned!

2013- Military Spouse Appreciation Day

Today, May 10, 2013, is Military Spouse Appreciation Day.

 

 

 You can read my 2011 post here.

When I agreed to move to North Carolina with Randy in 2005, I really had no idea what to expect.  I was moving to a different state, I knew nobody, and he was leaving in 6 weeks for his second deployment to Iraq.  The spouses I met just a few days later welcomed me with open arms- and taught me everything I know about being a military spouse.  

I watched them as we all struggled with a difficult deployment that affected us all deeply.  I watched them cook meals, fly to funerals to comfort friends, run meetings, calm our fears, and answer our questions.  They did all this while their own spouses were deployed.  They were just as afraid as the rest of us- but I would have never known that.  They handled everything thrown at them with such grace, courage, and strength, and I have done my best to model myself after what I saw from them.  

They taught me so much- and continue to teach me.  It is an honor to be amongst their ranks- and to be a part of this amazing community.  I am thankful every single day- and so appreciative for the amazing examples I had early on.  

I have now been a military spouse for over 5 years.  There are good days, bad days, and the best days ever- but every day I know that I do not walk alone.  I am surrounded by some of the strongest women I have ever had the privilege of knowing- let alone calling my friends, my sisters.  I am only as strong as those that support me- and I am incredibly lucky to be completely surrounded by some of the strongest women I know.  

They are the ones that answer my calls at 2 am, drive to comfort me when I just need a friend, put their own needs on the back burner to take care of a neighbor's kid, volunteer way too much, move to a different state the moment orders are issued, and still manage to smile and laugh and enjoy everything that life throws at us.  

So- to my fellow milspouses- Thank You.  Thank you for all YOU do to support our fighting men and women.  Thank you for all you do to support your fellow spouses.  Without you, I would not be where I am, or who I am for that matter.  

I am eternally grateful to each and every one of you.  

Month 2 is in the books!

As of about 7:00 this morning, we officially put month 2 in the books.

I could not be happier.  

This month has been challenging for me, and for once, it really has nothing to do with the deployment.  (Alright, maybe it does- if the boy were around, I think maybe I would have handled things better- differently? who knows.)

The boy is still floating around in the middle of who knows where.  I am still hearing from him regularly, which is such an amazing gift.  I have moments where I feel guilty that I have talked to my husband practically every day since he left, but then I remind myself that we have paid our dues.  In past deployments, we have gone months with no communication, so I am thanking my lucky stars for this gift we have this time around. 

I just got home from my week long trip to California, which was definitely the bright spot for month 2.  It was amazing to be able to spend a week surrounded by some of my closest friends- who truly are my family- when I desperately needed to be reminded what family truly was.  

My big grown up realization this month was that maybe family isn't what we are born into.  It turns out the family we are born with can stab you in the back and say hateful, terrible things just as easily as a stranger can.  The family that Randy and I have created for ourselves- our great, big, wonderful, chaotic Marine Corps Family- will always be there when we need them.   

Month 2 highlights:

     -A flower delivery at work.  Apparently the boy has been a bit of a slacker in the letter writing department- his words not mine!- and felt bad.  I love flowers for no reason!

     -Turning 29 plus 2.....  despite being slightly sad about my age, I really had a fantastic day.

 

     -My car was rear ended AGAIN.  This is the third time this has happened since we have moved to NOVA.  But- it was taken care of while I was in California, and was able to pick up my car this morning.  I handled it.  :)

     -I kicked off my deployment weight loss journey... which was completely sidelined by my trip west... whoops.  I started again today, so we shall see!

     -My trip to California!! We were busy! Wine tasting, cupcakes, seals in La Jolla, a fabulous pre-birthday dinner in Coronado, and just lots of time with friends.  

     -Decisions were made, and deadlines were created.  The boy and I have some big choices to make in the upcoming months... mostly concerning our next step in the Marine Corps.  He also FINALLY made a decision about the motorcycle he wants... which, according to him, was the most stressful thing for him this deployment.  (Seems strange, but this is our new deployment reality, and I will take it!)


All in all, this was another quick month.  I am hoping that this coming month will be less stressful, and that I will be able to focus on the positive.

Oh... and one more thing!  A book was written and recently published that gives an account of Randy's first deployment in Fallujah, Iraq in 2004.  It was an awesome read- definitely hard for me at times, but gave me a much better understanding of what transpired during our very first deployment.  Be sure to check it out!  The website is: http://www.memoirsofanoutlaw.com/. 

Hope For the Warriors

About a month ago, I was asked to write a guest blog for a fantastic organization, Hope for the Warriors.  

I have been involved in this organization practically since it was created.  While my role has always been tiny compared to what these amazing Marine wives have been able to accomplish, it is an organization that I absolutely adore, will always support, and will forever be in my heart.  

It was truly an honor to be able to contribute something that would potentially help other spouses and caregivers.  Again, while my contribution was tiny, I hope that by telling our story, I was able to help someone, somewhere.  I hope that I was able to give another spouse the courage to realize it is OK to ask for help.  I hope that I was able to give a Marine the courage to realize that maybe what they are feeling is "normal" in our world.  I hope that I gave a fellow military family the strength to step forward and deal with what they are feeling.  

In case you missed it, here is the link to my guest blog.  Please share- the more we talk about PTSD and what our servicemembers have dealt with, the more we are able to make the stigma go away.

http://hopeforthewarriors.blogspot.com/2013/03/dealing-with-ptsd-and-deployments.html

One Month Down!

Today, April 6th, means we are officially ONE month down in this deployment!!!!

Whew!!!  It's been a busy month- and went by much faster than I thought it would.  Usually (for me) the first month is the longest and the hardest.  But this time around, time is flying.... and I am definitely NOT complaining!

After 4 combat deployments, this MEU deployment stuff is pretty easy.  Now, I am not trying to take away from anyone who might be having a rough time with this type of deployment, but for me, I would take this any day.  I keep telling Randy that they need to come up with a different word for this- because this is NOT my definition of a deployment!! It is a welcome change for me to actually be able to sleep soundly at night, and not have a constant pit in my stomach.  I can actually take a deep breath- and go about my day to day routine and not feel guilty about getting to enjoy my life.  I can actually smile, and laugh, and have fun- and not feel like I have someone sitting on my chest.  

I'm actually really jealous of the boy- he got to spend 4 days in Cyprus, and I actually got to see some sights and sounds and food there as well- thanks to technology.  (My iPhone is now my new best friend!)  I am completely thrilled that he can actually relax and enjoy himself- and see the world, like he was promised almost 10 years ago when he enlisted in the Marine Corps.  He deserves this- he deserves to kick back at a bar in Cyprus, and laugh and have a good time.  I am incredibly happy that he gets these opportunities- and it doesn't hurt that he is buying me pretty things too!

In no particular order, my month one highlights:

     -My iPhone.  I am seriously in love, and incredibly thankful that I got the phone when I did.  Communication with the boy is SO much easier- however he tries to get a hold of me, I can instantly answer back!

     -I redecorated my living room.  No idea where this came from- I woke up one morning and just decided I was sick of EVERYTHING.  Thankfully, I had houseguests that could help me with the "man" stuff:

best houseguests ever! :)

 

     -I got to drive home in the worst snowstorm Northern VA had gotten all winter.  This was of course on deployment day, when I was functioning on 4 hours of sleep tops.  Super fun.  But 4 wheel drive, new tires, and my kick ass PA driving skills definitely saved the day.  I probably won't do that again any time soon though.  Really not much fun at all!

     -Easter 2013.  The year the Sedlak family ALL got the stomach bug.  Sharing means caring right??

     -I got to snuggle cute babies:

TJ

Cora

 

 

 

 

Emma and Auntie :)

 All in all, it was a pretty decent first month.  I am hoping that communication with the boy continues to stay pretty consistent, and that he continues to enjoy himself and stay busy.  I am already starting to plan my weekends for May, and I am working on finalizing the details for my trip to California.  I am busy, relaxed, and taking it one day at a time.  You can't ask for much more than that!

The In Between

Ugh.  I think this is my least favorite part about the deployment cycle... the weird limbo in between thing we are experiencing right now.

Randy got back yesterday after a month long training.  We have a handful of weeks left until he is gone for 8 months.

And it sucks.

I am at the point where I just want him gone already- because any military wife will tell you- the sooner they leave, the sooner they get back home.  I am, at this point, desperate to start the countdown.  I am sick of this looming sense of doom... because that is what I am dealing with now.

I want to be happy that my husband is home, and we get to spend a long weekend together, but at the same time... I'm afraid to allow myself to get too comfortable in having him home again- because I know it is short lived.  I know that in just a few weeks, I am on my own again for the long haul.  

It's hard to balance preparing myself for deployment, and enjoying the last few days I have left with my guy.  It's just a sucky feeling.  

I used to intentionally pick fights with him, and distance myself from him... because somehow in my mind, that would make it easier when he actually left if I was mad at him for whatever stupid thing I had created in my head.  I've learned that that's not really the best way to handle things, and I make an effort to NOT do that- and just do my very best to enjoy the time we have given.  

The pit in my stomach is there- although I don't think it's as big as it usually is at this point before he leaves.  It makes a huge difference knowing that this is not a combat deployment (at least not yet.)  I actually had a twinge of jealousy the other day when he was rattling off the list of places he will be going- that is definitely something new in relation to deployments.  

Some of these feelings are definitely new- but the suck factor is still the same.  I still have to say see you later, and I still have to get in my car and drive home to an empty house.  I'll allow myself to wallow in self-pity for a day or so, then I will snap myself out of it and move on with my life.   

Until that day comes though, I will try my hardest to make the best of the in between... and I will remember that each day- good, bad, indifferent- will bring me closer to the big goal- homecoming.

Deployment Goals 2013

Well, it's time.

Well, almost.

I saw a movie commercial on TV tonight, and I got really angry when I realized how close we are getting to D-day.  But there isn't a single thing I can do to stop the clock... which for us is both a good thing and a bad thing.  

Believe me, I hate that my husband is leaving again, and that this deployment will be a little bit longer than the rest.  But I am also excited to tackle some new goals, and get myself (and the brat) back into a routine.  

So, here are my deployment goals for round 5:

1.  Save money.  
      
     I feel like this is always a big one for military families during deployments.  We have some pretty specific savings goals this time around- namely a motorcycle for the boy, a cruise to celebrate for us, and just padding our savings a bit.  We will also be coming up on a PCS move soon after he gets home, so that means a bit of job insecurity for me. We are also going to be done paying for the truck in the spring as well, so we will be able to be car payment free- I am ridiculously excited about that.  (I don't recommend to ANYONE getting 2 brand new cars within a year of each other.  Not our smartest move!)

2. Lose weight.
     This is also another typical one for us military wives.  I'm pretty good at losing the weight while the boy is gone- not totally sure why... but I always manage to gain it all back when he gets home.  So my goal is to not only lose weight (I'm aiming for about 20lbs) but to keep it off once he gets home.

3. Have something to look forward to each month.
      Woo!! Travel! A girl's best friend during deployment.  This will be my way of staying busy- and making time pass as quickly as possible.  I am already planning on heading home for Easter, so that takes care of March, and then I will be heading to California in April or May... I haven't quite decided yet.  I'm trying to plan out as far in advance as I can.  I am a planner after all.  It helps when I see everything written out- I like having full weekends with stuff to do and look forward to.  It also gives me something to write to the boy about. So, if anyone would like a visitor, or needs someone to visit in the DC area... give me a shout!

4. Stay positive.
     
     This one might be hard.  Because deployments are hard.  They, unfortunately, don't get easier.  Distance sucks- but I will try my best to focus on the positive and remember that it could always be worse.  It could definitely be worse- this one is not a combat deployment! (yet!) Yay!

5.  Get into a routine again.

     I am a creature of habit, and I have been completely off my game the last few weeks.  Strangely enough, I think I am just ready for this deployment to start, so I can get into the swing of things and just DO THIS.  I am already sick of the waiting game... waiting for him to come home for a little bit longer, only to turn around again and leave for good.  No fun at all.  I need to get myself into a routine- getting up, working out/walking the dog, going to work, etc.  I'll get there... in a few more weeks.

So there they are.  Deployment Goals 2013.  I'm pretty confident that I will be successful... I've done it before, and I plan on kicking ass!

  
       

Promotion Day!

On January 1st, the boy officially became a Staff Sergeant.

But it wasn't officially official until he pinned on on January 7th.

And then it wasn't officially officially official until it updated on his online records... then when he changed it in his email signature... then when I called him on his office phone to hear him say his new rank... however many different ways you say it, it is official!

Needless to say, we are both thrilled with this promotion.  It of course means new challenges and new responsibilities for both of us, but it is something we are both ready to take on.  It also means that the boy is guaranteed to stay in until retirement now, which is a huge relief for both of us.  

It does also mean another deployment... which is fine.  (More on that another day.)

I don't really know if I can really put into words how proud I am of my husband.... and how proud I am of us really.  This is something that I honestly feel like we both earned together.  (That sounds like I am one of THOSE wives... that wear their husband's rank... I promise I am not!)  I could care less about what the rank is- but this was a long time coming, and it took a lot of sacrifice and dedication on both of our parts.  There were plenty of days that the boy just felt like giving up on all things Marine Corps- and it was me convincing him that what he was doing was worth it... and important.  And then there were the other 360 days that I absolutely hated all things Marine Corps- but was reminded how much HE loves the Marine Corps... and that changed my tune.

I've come to the realization that I won't ever get to have a conventional "career", and I probably won't ever work at a job long enough to retire.  That's why I throw myself so much into all things Marine Corps- because here in another 10-ish years, the boy will retire, and with that, we will both close a huge chapter in our lives.  This, when it really comes down to it, is my career- my choice- too.  And I am okay with that.

The new SSgt has now accomplished MORE than he ever thought he would in the Marine Corps.  The best part is- he's only halfway through.  Who knows what this guy will accomplish next- but I know he will do great things, and be a fantastic leader!!  

Congrats babe! I am so very very proud of you!!!

Happy 237th Birthday Marines!

(Yes, I know, the actual birthday was on the 10th.  But since we aren't celebrating until tomorrow, I still get to use that title.)

Tomorrow night, I will put on a fancy dress, uncomfortable heels, and strut my stuff at our battalion's birthday ball.  I honestly am not sure there is any other branch of the military that celebrates their "birthday" the way the Marine Corps does, but it sure is fun.  It is the one night of the year in the Marine Corps that is really just fun.... mandatory fun yes... but still just fun.  

There is a lot of ceremony and tradition, and some somber moments of reflection and remembrance.  The ceremony reminds us what it means to be a part of the family that is the Marine Corps, and how truly important our Marines' roles are in protecting our country. (And, a handful of days after finding out that deployment #5 is official, it will be good for me to have this reminder.)

It also makes for some fantastic people watching.....ha!  (Gold lame' mini anybody?!)

This year will be my 9th ball.  I've actually been to more than the boy has.  The year he was deployed, the unit that was tasked with keeping an eye on us invited all the spouses to their ball.  So I took my sister as a date, and we had a fun girls night with all the other ladies. 

So here's a look back at us at Birthday Balls of the past:

2004

 This was our very first ball! The boy had gotten home from Iraq about 5 weeks earlier. I flew down from Penn State, and the drastic change in weather gave me a cold.  This was also my first experience with Marine wives- I will never forget the one wife who felt it necessary to show me that she was in fact duct taped into her dress!

2005

2006

With my baby sister! She was sweet enough to fly down to North Carolina and we had a blast!

2007

Our first ball at Quantico.  Obviously a bit intoxicated, and the woman that did my hair sprayed me with glitter before I could protest... bleh.

2008

This is my fave!

2009

Drunk again... ha!

2010

Birthday ball.....in the gym.  And dress recycling!

2011

So there ya go- the years in review.  There is obviously some drinking, lots of fun, and plenty of great memories each year.  It is such a fun, special night for us all- and it never hurts to be in a room surrounded by Marines in dress blues!

It's a part of this life

Well.

I've had 2 beers, 3 meltdowns, and my eyes are just about swollen shut.  But I still haven't completely wrapped my brain around this latest bit of news.

 Come spring  2013, the boy will be deploying for a fifth time.

5 deployments.  Seriously??

Before you say anything, let me tell you what I do know at this very moment in time:
 -I know that this is always a possibility, being married to an infantry Marine during a time of global upheaval and conflict.
-I know that there are good things, and that I will find the positive in all this.
-I know that this will be good for his career and his new rank.
-I know that it is NOT a combat deployment.... at least today it isn't.
-I know that this will be the worst that I feel, with the exception of the day he actually leaves.
-I know that I am allowed to feel exactly how I am feeling at this very second.  I deserve a chance to wallow in absolute self pity, and feel incredibly sorry for myself. (I also know, that because this is the 5th time that my husband has had to call and tell me that he is deploying, that this too shall pass.)

But I just don't want to play Pollyanna right now.  I am emotionally exhausted for so many reasons, and I just want a chance to feel sorry for myself.  It is rare that I allow that to happen, because I just refuse to dwell on all the negative in my life.

Deployments are a part of this life.  

Yes, I knew that.  Yes, the boy knew that.  It still does not make it one bit easier.  Deployments are never easy.  If they were, I would seriously question why I continue to stick around to put myself through this.  Deployments are hard, and test you in ways that you never dreamed you would be tested and challenged.  I hate every last second of having to be away from my husband. 

I have very mixed emotions right now, and I am angry at anyone and anything that happens to cross my path.  I apologize for that- but at the same time, I just cannot help myself.  I am once again having some feelings of regret, and wondering what if we had made different choices at step 1, 12, or 2597.  There's no point in looking backward though.  I know it doesn't make a lot of sense, but that's how I feel.  All I want is to live with my husband again and be "normal".  I honestly didn't think that was too much to ask, but apparently when the USMC is involved, it is.

So, tomorrow I will wake up, put on my big girl panties and my superhero cape, and keep leading the life that I have chosen.  The boy will deploy in March whether I like it or not, whether I stick out my tongue and stomp my foot, whether I think it's unfair or not right.  Nothing will stop the clock, so I will embrace it as best I can.

This is a part of this life, and it is what I have chosen.  Good, bad, indifferent or otherwise.  It just doesn't matter.  Deployment number 5 is here to stay, and despite our best efforts, it is happening.  

I will keep telling myself that, but it doesn't mean that the pit in my stomach and the lump in my throat will go away any faster.

How do you measure a year?

I watched Rent earlier today so if the title of this blog rings a bell for anyone, that's probably why.  I am not sure what made me watch it... but what stuck out to me was that line... how do you measure a year?  A year in the Marine Corps can be measured by days left at a duty station, days until you get orders, days until your best friends move back to the same coast as you, or days until a deployment is finished. For us, this past year has been measured by my Marine being home.   (Maybe not in the most conventional sense of the word, but home nonetheless!)


One year ago today, I was on my way to Camp Lejeune for our homecoming.  Tomorrow, September 19th, marks one whole year since the boy got home from his most recent deployment

by Amanda Courtney Photography

 It really amazes me that one whole year has gone by since that day... since I was able to wrap my arms around him for the first time in 206 days... since I was finally able to take a deep breath again and know that everything would be okay.

by Amanda Courtney Photography

This year has been measured by how far removed we are from a deployment.  The boy and I are lucky enough to be an entire year away from a deployment ending, and not have a deployment looming in the near future.  It is actually a strange place for us to be, and kind of hard for us (well, at least for me).  We have a couple friends deployed right now, a handful that just got home, and very close couple of friends that will be leaving in the next few months.  It is a weird feeling of guilt... that I really have a hard time putting into words.  But that is life in the Marine Corps- when it comes to deployments in our world, we all serve our time and do what we need to do.   We don't play the who had it worse game, we are there to support each other no matter what, and be there for the family members that are holding down the home front.

The year in front of us will hopefully be measured by the time we are able to spend together.  We have been doing the geo-bachelor thing for almost 2 years now, and I am hopeful that there is an end in sight for us.  I am hopeful that things will be back to "normal", and that we will be living under one roof and driving each other crazy.  I'm hoping we will wind up relatively close to home, but I am not holding my breath for that one... you just never know what curve ball the Marine Corps will throw at you!

Until then, I will be happy with where my guy is- 365 whole days of being safe on US soil!

by Amanda Courtney Photography

A day in the park

 

(I started working on this post about a month ago already- and then life got in the way!)

Last week, I was supervising the installation of bricks for the Foundation's engraved brick program.  

 

We are working on a new section of trails, and for the second time since these new trail markers were installed, I couldn't help but stand there and stare.

 

A new trail marker in Semper Fidelis Memorial Park

For about 3 years of my life (in seven month increments), whenever I heard Anbar Province, Fallujah, Ramadi, or Rutbah mentioned in the news or in a conversation, it would make my heart stop and my stomach turn.  (I don't know Afghanistan nearly as well, and honestly, I never really bothered to learn many names.)  To this day, whenever I hear or see the names of these places in Iraq, it brings back a flood of memories- worry, tears, frustration, and confusion. It also of course reminds me of how much I have learned in the last 9 years... and just how much a person can handle. 

When I found out that the new trail segments in the park were going to be named for different battles or conflicts that the Marine Corps has been involved in, I thought it was pretty cool.  I didn't really realize that battles and conflicts would be places that I know, and periods of time that I've lived through.  These places that are just names to some are places where my husband and our friends lived for months at a time.  It is where they fought and defended our freedom, and where too many died protecting our freedom.  It's a very strange thing when all of a sudden you realize that your history- at least the last 9 years- is forever interwoven with the history of the Marine Corps... for that matter, the history of our country.

I am over at the museum a lot.  I see a lot of veterans walking around with their families and friends- sharing with them what they experienced in World War II, Korea, and Vietnam.  It surprises me every time I realize that someday, that will be us.  We will be sharing history as we know it with our families and friends.

Waiting games

And so we wait.

And wait.

And then hurry up and wait.  

Lots of things are still in a holding pattern- no decisions can truly be made until we get word from HQMC to let us know if his package for recruiting really is completely denied.  (There is a chance that HQMC will tell us it is approved- but it is a teeny chance that we are not counting on.)

It is frustrating and exhausting, but at least once the decision comes down, we can (well mostly he can!) jump into action and do what needs to be done.  We are hoping that the boy will be given the chance to extend until his 10 year mark- which is July of 2013.  That would at least give us some more time to get our acts together and have a little bit of a smoother transition out of the Marine Corps.  

I'm still holding out hope that we will get to stay in.  I'm hoping that everything works out- that he will be approved to go recruiting, he will be promoted, and perhaps I will get that road trip to California... with 2 cats and a dog in tow of course. 

I know that's probably a lot of wishful thinking... but a girl can dream.  I'm remaining cautiously optimistic at this point.  It's been a rough year... so I'm hoping that something will go our way.

Regardless of the outcome though, I know that everything happens for a reason, and that everything will work out exactly how it is supposed to.

Until that time comes, we wait.  

Have I mentioned lately how impatient I am?!

What a week.

I have never been so happy to put a week behind me.  

This past Tuesday, we found out that the boy's package to extend in the Marine Corps to go recruiting was not being recommended for approval.  


Essentially, that means that as of October 6th, we are done with the Marine Corps. Unless he decides to deploy again (number 5 if you are keeping track)- which is something neither one of us is really ready for again.  

Finished- end of story.  

To say we were disappointed was definitely an understatement.  Devastated would really probably be a better word.  


My biggest concern was for the boy- he has only ever wanted to be a Marine.  And, in my opinion at least, he is a pretty darn good Marine.  To find out that that was all being taken away from him really hurt... and frustrated me.


After the devastation went away... a bit.... the panic started to set in.  The reality of no more Marine Corps.  The realization of how much we were really losing in this situation.  


Obviously, the first would be stability- guaranteed paycheck and benefits.  Gone.


Then the random things started flying through my head- he and I are both still residents of PA- the military allows us to retain residency in our home state- our cars and insurance are still PA.  I started crying when I realized that I would have to be a resident of Virginia.  I don't want to be a resident of Virginia!


Then the really silly things- no more dressing up once a year for the birthday ball, no more pictures of the boy in his dress blues for random events.... no more moving every 3 years... No chance of a road trip while PCSing across the country...no possible chance of living in California with a view of the ocean from my windows... just gone.  All of it yanked away with one signature by one person at HQMC who doesn't even know what a fantastic Marine my husband is.  


Every time I thought of something else we would be losing, or giving up... it started a new round of hysterics and panic.  (The hysterics and panic and anger were a bit worse when I realized that this is the second time the Marine Corps has taken away my hopes of going back to State College and being close to friends and family again.)



Yes, I know we have options.  Yes I know everything will work out.  I know everything happens for a reason.  I understand why the numbers across the Marine Corps are being cut and why we are being downsized.  But it sucks when you thought everything was figured out and everything was as stable as it could be for having the military a part of your life.  And it sucks when all of that is snatched away and you are stuck, for a few minutes at least, playing the what if game.  


We got some better news yesterday though, thanks to someone who was actually doing his job as a career planner.  There's a chance that we might still have a future in the Marine Corps... but it would mean more time apart in the immediate future.  We will sit down and talk and weigh our options this weekend.  While I hate the thought of pushing into a third year of living apart... we ultimately need to look to the future and see what we need to do to get to where we want to be.  


At the very least, this past week has taught me that unfortunately, the military isn't a guarantee anymore... for anybody.  We need to be much more prepared than we were (are!) for all of it being taken away.  I need to stay on top of things- and make a list of all the "guarantees" we have in the military.  That way if this situation comes up again, I will be better prepared and not instantly enter into a state of shock and panic.  I will be able to react- and just get things done.  


9 years in... and I am still learning.  This might be the most important lesson the Marine Corps has taught me.  For the next few weeks, I will be hoping for the best, but expecting... and preparing... for the worst.


Stay tuned!

9 lessons in 9 years

Today, July 7th, marks 9 years that Randy has been in the Marine Corps. 

I have been thinking a lot today about how different things would have been if the military was not a part of my life.  After 9 years, I am sure that the Marine Corps has taught me nine thousand things... but that would kinda be boring to read after a while. 

So, in no particular order, 9 lessons the Marine Corps has taught me:

1.  Always have a plan.  And then 3 back up plans.

     When we got orders 3 years ago, they were to 29 Palms.  So I planned for a move there, even though I hated the thought of having to move.  Then, about 3 weeks later, our orders switched to Camp Pendleton.  So I planned for a move there.  Then, about a week after that, we had orders back to Camp Lejeune.  So in a period of about a month, I had planned moves to all three main Marine Corps bases in the US.  Each plan had a couple scenarios- just because you never know!

2.  Semper Gumby

     This kinda goes with the first one- Always Flexible! Things will never work out in the simplest, most straightforward way.  This is the Marine Corps after all.  You just have to know that everything will eventually work out.  Until then, just sit back, relax, and go with the flow.  Everything will eventually work out.  (This is about the only thing keeping me sane right now during our big fat waiting game.  I know eventually things will be ok.  It might not be how we thought, but it will all be ok.)

 3.  I am way stronger than I ever thought I could be.

     Deployments have taught me that. You just keep going- it doesn't matter how much things suck, you CAN and WILL do it.  When your husband is deployed, giving up (at least for me) is not an option.  It just isn't.  So you just need to put on your big girl panties and realize that this too shall pass.  And when it does pass- you will realize that you can do anything... even the stuff you thought you could never do, or wanted to do!

4.  Bloom where you are planted.

     A very wise retired Marine Corps wife told me that once, and it has stuck with me.  You will succeed wherever you are, you just need to believe that you can.  When you are handed orders to all sorts of strange locations, it is terrifying.  But then you remember that you will only ever be in one place for a few years, and you just need to make the best of it, and make an impact in the best way you know how.  Get involved, make friends, and make the best of it.  If we had gone to 29 Palms, I would have been terrified, but I eventually would have gotten over it, and made the best of it. 

5.  The brand new language of acronyms!

     BAH, BAS, PCS, TDY, MARSOC, MEU, MEF.....  There are times when I am pretty sure my family and (civilian) friends think I am speaking in some sort of secret code.  The Marine Corps has taught me the wonderful world of acronyms, and a super fun way to confuse the crap out of everyone outside the Marine Corps.  I have really loved learning about the Marine Corps, and all the quirky things that go along with it.  I am pretty sure I will never stop learning or asking questions... I just hope Randy is ready for that!

6. Distance isn't necessarily a bad thing

     It's the truth.  Seriously.  After almost 2 years of Randy being a geo-bachelor, I really think that our relationship is stronger than it has ever been.  We are forced to communicate- which is not a bad thing at all.  We talk a few times over the course of the day- and are careful to not dwell on the bad, negative, and insignificant things.  It's kinda like those 30 minute, once a week deployment calls.  It's pointless to tell him about some silly thing that upset me.  We also bicker a lot less.  When you only see each other for 3 days a week, it's pointless to waste that valuable time on silly stuff.  Obviously, I would rather live with my husband like normal people, but I don't think it's a bad thing- especially for a guy who didn't really like to communicate well- it has forced him to learn how to!

7. It never gets easier- you just know more.

     I have had many conversations with many different people.  I have now done deployments as a friend, girlfriend, fiancee, and finally as a wife.  It never gets easier.  You just learn how to deal with it, and you learn that it's only as bad as you let it be.  I have learned that deployments are "easier" when I am busy and have lots going on, and when I am not sitting around feeling sorry for myself.  It can ALWAYS be worse.  Deployments are bad for me- but they are worse- at least in my perspective- for my friends that have children.  As bad as you think you have it, there is someone that always has it worse.  Yes, the boy and I are not living together right now, but we see each other practically every weekend.  There are some geo-bachelors that probably go months without seeing their families.  It can always be worse!

8. Friends are like family.

     I truly cannot imagine what my life would be like if it didn't have my Marine Corps friends in it.  I have been so blessed with meeting such awesome friends- who are now family.  I have probably met people from every single state.  People that are different from me, have a different perspective than I do, and challenge my opinions and beliefs... in a respectful way of course!  I hope that every single one of them know how grateful I am for all that they have taught me.  My Marine Corps family is amazing and I certainly wouldn't be who I am today if it weren't for those people. 

9. There is no good way for your boyfriend/fiance/husband to tell you he is deploying.

     There just isn't.  You always end up feeling like someone has ripped your heart out and punched you in the gut.  I have been told over the phone, found out in a roomful of strangers, and have totally been prepared for it.... but it still sucked to hear concrete dates.  But as much as it sucks to hear it, I can't even imagine how it feels to be the one delivering that news, and knowing what it will do to me.  Regardless, it usually ends up with me in tears, with a large bottle of wine!


And- as a bonus- and to end on a happy note:

10. There is nothing more rewarding and amazing than Homecoming.

     There is nothing better than Homecoming.  It doesn't even have to be your own.  It is hands down the best part about the Marine Corps life- and something I wouldn't trade for anything.

photo by Amanda Courtney Photography

I have learned a lot in the last 9 years, but I know that the Marine Corps has so much more to teach me.  I hope that the Marine Corps sees fit to let us stick around until retirement. I know that Randy and I have a lot more to learn- and a lot more to give back!