Promotion Day!

On January 1st, the boy officially became a Staff Sergeant.

But it wasn't officially official until he pinned on on January 7th.

And then it wasn't officially officially official until it updated on his online records... then when he changed it in his email signature... then when I called him on his office phone to hear him say his new rank... however many different ways you say it, it is official!

Needless to say, we are both thrilled with this promotion.  It of course means new challenges and new responsibilities for both of us, but it is something we are both ready to take on.  It also means that the boy is guaranteed to stay in until retirement now, which is a huge relief for both of us.  

It does also mean another deployment... which is fine.  (More on that another day.)

I don't really know if I can really put into words how proud I am of my husband.... and how proud I am of us really.  This is something that I honestly feel like we both earned together.  (That sounds like I am one of THOSE wives... that wear their husband's rank... I promise I am not!)  I could care less about what the rank is- but this was a long time coming, and it took a lot of sacrifice and dedication on both of our parts.  There were plenty of days that the boy just felt like giving up on all things Marine Corps- and it was me convincing him that what he was doing was worth it... and important.  And then there were the other 360 days that I absolutely hated all things Marine Corps- but was reminded how much HE loves the Marine Corps... and that changed my tune.

I've come to the realization that I won't ever get to have a conventional "career", and I probably won't ever work at a job long enough to retire.  That's why I throw myself so much into all things Marine Corps- because here in another 10-ish years, the boy will retire, and with that, we will both close a huge chapter in our lives.  This, when it really comes down to it, is my career- my choice- too.  And I am okay with that.

The new SSgt has now accomplished MORE than he ever thought he would in the Marine Corps.  The best part is- he's only halfway through.  Who knows what this guy will accomplish next- but I know he will do great things, and be a fantastic leader!!  

Congrats babe! I am so very very proud of you!!!

What a week.

I have never been so happy to put a week behind me.  

This past Tuesday, we found out that the boy's package to extend in the Marine Corps to go recruiting was not being recommended for approval.  


Essentially, that means that as of October 6th, we are done with the Marine Corps. Unless he decides to deploy again (number 5 if you are keeping track)- which is something neither one of us is really ready for again.  

Finished- end of story.  

To say we were disappointed was definitely an understatement.  Devastated would really probably be a better word.  


My biggest concern was for the boy- he has only ever wanted to be a Marine.  And, in my opinion at least, he is a pretty darn good Marine.  To find out that that was all being taken away from him really hurt... and frustrated me.


After the devastation went away... a bit.... the panic started to set in.  The reality of no more Marine Corps.  The realization of how much we were really losing in this situation.  


Obviously, the first would be stability- guaranteed paycheck and benefits.  Gone.


Then the random things started flying through my head- he and I are both still residents of PA- the military allows us to retain residency in our home state- our cars and insurance are still PA.  I started crying when I realized that I would have to be a resident of Virginia.  I don't want to be a resident of Virginia!


Then the really silly things- no more dressing up once a year for the birthday ball, no more pictures of the boy in his dress blues for random events.... no more moving every 3 years... No chance of a road trip while PCSing across the country...no possible chance of living in California with a view of the ocean from my windows... just gone.  All of it yanked away with one signature by one person at HQMC who doesn't even know what a fantastic Marine my husband is.  


Every time I thought of something else we would be losing, or giving up... it started a new round of hysterics and panic.  (The hysterics and panic and anger were a bit worse when I realized that this is the second time the Marine Corps has taken away my hopes of going back to State College and being close to friends and family again.)



Yes, I know we have options.  Yes I know everything will work out.  I know everything happens for a reason.  I understand why the numbers across the Marine Corps are being cut and why we are being downsized.  But it sucks when you thought everything was figured out and everything was as stable as it could be for having the military a part of your life.  And it sucks when all of that is snatched away and you are stuck, for a few minutes at least, playing the what if game.  


We got some better news yesterday though, thanks to someone who was actually doing his job as a career planner.  There's a chance that we might still have a future in the Marine Corps... but it would mean more time apart in the immediate future.  We will sit down and talk and weigh our options this weekend.  While I hate the thought of pushing into a third year of living apart... we ultimately need to look to the future and see what we need to do to get to where we want to be.  


At the very least, this past week has taught me that unfortunately, the military isn't a guarantee anymore... for anybody.  We need to be much more prepared than we were (are!) for all of it being taken away.  I need to stay on top of things- and make a list of all the "guarantees" we have in the military.  That way if this situation comes up again, I will be better prepared and not instantly enter into a state of shock and panic.  I will be able to react- and just get things done.  


9 years in... and I am still learning.  This might be the most important lesson the Marine Corps has taught me.  For the next few weeks, I will be hoping for the best, but expecting... and preparing... for the worst.


Stay tuned!

Days like today...

....realllllly make me wish Randy was here.

That's Mocha- our brat.  And our baby.  Well, mostly Randy's baby.  (She loves me only when he isn't around.)  I give her a lot of credit for helping him through his PTSD issues last year- I'm betting she knows more about his deployments than I do.

This dog, for some crazy reason, has become my world with Randy being gone.

I'm not exactly sure when that happened, but I'm pouring a lot more time and energy into her because Randy isn't here, and because she's my responsibility... and because besides me, Randy loves her bestest haha.  

Which is why I freak out about the smallest thing going wrong with her- and why I am freaking out today.  I got a phone call about 10 this morning from daycare.  (Yes, she goes to daycare, laugh all you want!) She had played pretty hard with her puppy friends all morning, and now wasn't putting any weight on her back leg.  I told them I would come pick her up and take her to the vet.  

We got to the vet, and were seen by a newbie, whom I like to refer to as Doogie Howser.  What he told me sent me slightly over the edge, and I did cry a little bit, but I managed to keep it together.  Apparently my dog had blown out her knee, and/or torn a ligament.  I can't be completely sure which- because he kept using all these smart person big boy vet words.  He gave me the name of a specialized surgeon, who I needed to call and schedule an appointment.  When I called, the surgery would be $3500.  For a dog.  UGH!!!!

Now onto my meltdown.  (This is only my second for this deployment- so I am averaging about one a month- not too shabby!)

I am completely beating myself up over this because I am responsible for her, and I am responsible for her being hurt.  I know its completely irrational, but its how I feel.  I take one look at her and start crying- because she's such a good dog and would never let me know that she is in any sort of pain.  She just kinda hangs out, and looks at me while I sob, and licks the tears off my face.  She's walking around- just not putting any weight on her back leg, but she just breaks my heart.  I want to be able to help her- but I just can't.  

So this time, my mommy got the brunt of my meltdown.  I really am not sure what I would do without my parents!!!  She told me to call Doogie tomorrow, and ask him all the questions I am just now thinking of, maybe get a second opinion, and shop around to see if I can get this surgery done for cheaper.  She also volunteered to come down and pup-sit after Mocha does have the surgery, if it comes to that.  Based on what I've read, the recovery is 12 weeks.  

Today was just another one of those days that I realllly, realllly, selfishly wish Randy were here.  If he were, he would completely take over and figure this out for me, because really, I am not good when the crisis is happening to me.  And he knows that about me, and loves me despite that... ha!  I really wish that I wasn't waiting another week for a phone call, and that I could just pick up a phone or shoot him an email and know I would get a response.  

Blah.  

Today, deployments suck. 

2 months in- Update

This week marks 2 months down in the deployment!

I actually can't believe how fast the month of April has flown by.  I'm loving it, because each day is just that much closer to homecoming.  I'm much busier than I thought I would be, and my friends and family have been great in making sure I stay that way.  I already have plans for every single weekend in May, and I think August is the only month where I don't have something already planned that I'm looking forward to.  Staying busy is definitely the key to success for me!

I'm also- strangely- not as worried as I thought I would be.  The first couple weeks were rough, just because Randy and I were both worried and nervous about how he would react to being back "in country" and having to go out on patrols again.  We weren't sure if any of those things would be a possible trigger to his PTSD.  But once he called and told me that he had gone out on the first patrol and felt great afterwards, I knew I could breathe again and spend less time worrying about him. 

Randy is doing really well.  He's able to call once a week, and up until a few days ago, I was getting emails from him pretty regularly as well.  (Apparently though someone ruined the email privileges for everyone- thanks...)  Everything as far as communication is way better than we thought it would be.  When he left, we thought he might be able to call monthly, if we were lucky.  As far as I'm aware, there isn't a whole lot happening in the area where they are.  Each time I talk to him, he tells me that its quiet, and nothing is going on.  But, he knows that I function better when I don't necessarily know every single detail.  Ignorance is bliss for me when it comes to deployments!  He is journaling this deployment though, and I am pretty excited to read what he has written once he gets home.

The hardest thing for me to deal with so far though has been the guilt.  I feel guilty that I'm eating decent food, hanging out in air conditioning, even spending time with Mocha, because these are all things he doesn't get to enjoy for a few more months.  I also feel a pang of guilt when I catch myself having fun- or laughing too hard, or when a movie preview comes on for something I know we would go see together.  Blah- I know Randy doesn't want me to feel that way.  But there are moments when I just can't help it, because I just miss him, and it frustrates me that we had 3 years of shared experiences- and now I am back to a life (for 7 months at least) where I have to do it all on my own, and have my own experiences again.  I have my moments- but I know that each day only makes me stronger, and makes our marriage stronger.  Each day- good, bad, terrible- only brings me closer to homecoming. 

Here are some pictures I got in an email a few weeks ago:

Randy and his squad- with an Eagle Valley Beverage t-shirt! (that's where my dad works, for those that don't know)

Randy- just chillin in Afghanistan!

His desk and storage area

So what's my point?

Well, now that I've put a huge part of my personal life out there for anyone to read, a lot of people might be wondering why I did that, and what the point is. 

**Warning- this might turn into me on my Marine wife soapbox- so I apologize in advance for that**

My point is this- as the wife of someone who is combat wounded, and suffers on some level from PTSD, I can't ever let my guard down.  I can't ever again just brush off three days straight of Call of Duty.  (Granted, I don't allow those sort of games to even enter into our home anymore.)  I can't ever brush off the nightmares, the flashbacks, and anything to anyone else might be just an odd interruption. 

I also can't believe what the Marine Corps tells me in our "In the Midst" brief, or "Homecoming" brief.  I've been told at BOTH to just ignore all of those things I just mentioned, because it's "just combat stress and reintegration".  I get that- to a point.  But here's my thing- If I had just ignored alllll of those things that I saw in Randy, and I didn't mentally jot those things down and remember them- God only knows where I would be right now.  

I am hoping though- that since the last time we did deployments was 4 years ago, that someone somewhere has started to wake up to our reality.  That someone somewhere is deciding that these Marines admitting that something isn't quite right doesn't make them weak, or less of a man, or anything like that.  I hate that the division psychiatrist or whoever is referred to as "going to see the Wizard", and that the logo on the man's card is in fact a wizard with a crystal ball.  

The stereotypes, the stigma, all of it, has got to go away.  We MUST make it okay for these amazingly strong individuals to realize that it is OK for them to ask for help.  I am praying that none of Randy's marines will suffer the way he has, and experience the level of loss he has- and I hope that Randy-as their leader, is making them realize that it is okay to ask for help when and if they need it.  I hope that I make their wives, girlfriends, and family members realize that it is okay to ask for help for them.  If I had sat quietly by and just let Randy self-destruct- well, what kind of wife would I have been? What kind of friend would I have been to him?  I raised holy hell on his behalf.  Yea, he hated me at the time, but like I said, he now sees that I will go to any length to get him the help that he needs, and he understands what I did.  It did not affect his career at all, and nobody thought any less of him.

My point is this- if you think that someone you love is struggling with PTSD or Combat Stress, ASK FOR HELP.  Even if it's just coming to me, or to someone else you trust.  You cannot sit quietly by.  You must advocate for them on their behalf.  You must speak up- and we must put the stigma to rest.

We call it a "leave of absence"

Or a sabbatical.  

We don't call it what most people might- a separation.

I've been going back and forth, trying to decide if this is something I want to share with the entire universe, because really, almost a year later, its hard for me to talk about.  But, I want to be honest.  And I want to help other spouses, and other couples, who might be quietly struggling with PTSD and feel like they are all alone.


On February 27, 2010, Randy took a leave of absence.  Because of things that had been building for almost 6 years, he decided that he just couldn't handle me, or our marriage anymore.  So he left.  


I can honestly say that Randy walking out on me- on us- is the worst thing that has happened to me, and that I have ever had to deal with.  It took almost 3 months for him to come back around and realize the things he was blaming me for weren't necessarily my fault.  They weren't anybody's fault.

In that three months we learned a lot about what we as individuals can handle, and what our marriage can handle.  I saw a counselor, who told me that what was happening wasn't my fault.  I cried... a lot.  I leaned on my friends and family harder than I probably ever have before.  

I literally felt like my entire world was crashing down around me and there was nothing I could do to control or to stop any of it.

I also did one of the scariest things I have ever done as a Marine wife.  I went to his command.  First, I spoke with the Chaplain.  When I explained to him everything that Randy was doing and how completely out of character everything was, he suggested that I go to his command-essentially, his bosses- and tell them what was going on.  This of course pushed Randy further away from me for a time, because he felt that I was trying to hurt him and his career.  He now knows that I will do anything and everything in my power to protect him- even if I am protecting him from himself. 

Randy kept telling me he was "fine", and that nothing was wrong with him.  His friends kept telling me that he "seemed fine".  He was fine, and I was overreacting. (I hate that word, and now, neither one of us are allowed to use it.  It's such a nothing word, that can mean so many things.)  

But when I sat down and made a list of all the possible triggers that could be causing this- I realized that him being "fine" was the farthest thing from the truth. 

I could trace this all back to August of 2009- six months before Randy left.  That's when a good friend of his was killed in Afghanistan.  I remember him looking at me after he got the phone call and saying "I should have been there."  After that, there were so many things that, standing alone, were completely innocent.  Piled on top of 6 years of emotions and problems and situations that weren't dealt with, they were the beginning of the end.  That Christmas, I gave him the new Call of Duty game for his Playstation.  He literally did not sleep for 3 days straight because he played that game nonstop.  I don't know if he felt like he was back in Iraq or what, but it struck me as odd at the time, but I brushed it off.  There was a suicide in the battalion, and then an attempted suicide.  Then someone he looked up to when he was younger was arrested and that person also attempted suicide.  Each event on its own would have been managable, but all of those things together, on top of so many things that hadn't been dealt with.... well, who wouldn't fall apart?

I brushed off lots of things, and at the beginning, I held myself responsible.  Why didn't I push more? Why didn't I make him talk to me more? Why wasn't I more understanding.... why, why, why.  There were so many questions swirling through my head.  Eventually though, the thoughts stopped swirling, and I had to focus on me, and taking care of myself, and what I had control over.  I had no control over Randy and his actions.  I only had control over me, and what I did next, even if what was next was as simple as eating the next meal.

I was on complete auto-pilot, and faking it to everyone around me.  There were only a handful of people that I confided in- my parents and my sister, a few friends here at Quantico, and a handful of teachers at school.  I was embarrassed, ashamed, and completely broken down.  I didn't want anyone to know that this was happening to me. 


I fought hard for my marriage last year.  Hard enough for both of us.  Hard enough for Randy to realize that I would NEVER give up on him, and ALWAYS be there for him, no matter what.  He eventually realized that he could talk to me and tell me things that I might not necessarily want to hear, but that he needed to say.  We've learned that it's easier for him to say those things when its completely dark, so he doesn't actually have to look at me.  

We fought off a lot of demons, a lot of rumors, and a lot of people that we didn't really need in our lives.  We are still fighting for that matter- but we are winning.  We've decided that PTSD is not going to beat us and bring us down.  

I don't regret a single thing that happened in that span of time- February 27- May 12, 2010.  It has made us both so much stronger.  It taught us how to communicate again, and we are actually better people because of it.  I love him more now because he eventually admitted to me he needed help- and wanted me to help him.  To me, that is such an amazing sign of strength- not weakness.  I am amazed each and every day at how strong he is, and how much he has overcome.  He could have just run away and hidden, but he chose to come back fighting.

Now, more than a year later, we are apart again.  But it's okay this time.  We are both ready and willing to take on the challenges we might face in this deployment, and after the deployment.  But we will do it together.  Randy and I make a pretty good team- and we can get through anything, as long as we have each other.

 
 

Flat tires and Flowers

Today started out as a bad day.  Well, not really.  But I got ready for work, had my lunch ready to go, and was actually going to be a few minutes early.  I backed out of the garage, and beat the school bus out of my road.  When I was stopped at the light at the bottom of my road, I noticed my low pressure light was on.

On a sidenote here- any of those dashboard lights freak me the heck out.  It ALWAYS means something bad.  My first experience with a dashboard light was the check engine light- about 30 seconds before the engine blew.  So call me what you will, but I take those lights VERY seriously!!!

So I made it to the gas station so I could check my tires.  The driver's side tires were fine.  Then I made it to the other side.  Front tire- going flat.  Perfect.  Because I can totally handle a flat tire, right?

HA!

I got back into my car, and called my Daddy.  Who else would I call?  He always has the answers- and has managed to keep me calm and functioning through several Meghan crises.  I proceed to have a minor meltdown.... not because I can't handle it, but because that's just what I do.  When this stuff happens to me, I melt down.  Ask me to handle anyone else's problems, I am good.  When its me, forget it!  

(I also blame the meltdown on the fact that this is the first deployment problem I've had to figure out on my own- which is why I am so glad I can always call Daddy to help me.) 

So Daddy tells me what to do, I call Triple A, they put my spare on, I take the tire to be fixed.  When this was all said and done, I was only an hour late for work, and it only cost me $26 to have the tire repaired.  Apparently the nail that went through my tire picked a good spot- smack in the middle- so it was easily repairable.  What a relief.


So that kinda started my day on a bad note- and I really thought it would be downhill from there.  

Now, I don't know how Randy does it, but he has always managed to "be there" when I need him.  Last deployment, I was sick for a solid month.  I finally went to the doctor, and was there for 3 hours (they had forgotten about me!)  I came home, and there were 4 letters in the mail from him.  It's not like he really has any control over that- but boy did that make me feel about a million times better almost instantly!!


Today, after my sucky morning, I got this delivered to my office:

My absolute favorite- Yellow roses!

Like I said, I know he has no way of controlling this, but just when I start feeling sad, or bummed out that I don't have him around, he comes popping in someway somehow.  I just love him for that!

The card cracked me up too- "Because I'm effing awesome.  Love, Me"

He thinks very highly of himself- and he should!!  ;)

I married a smoker

There is nothing more disgusting to me than cigarette smoke. 

Growing up, every single one of my relatives smoked.  I remember coming home from many Thanksgivings, Christmases, birthday parties, and any other family gathering reeking of cigarette smoke.  My eyes and throat would burn for days.  GROSS. 

My parents don't smoke, hardly any of my friends smoke (as far as I know). 

But my husband does.

And I am okay with that, because it's just a deployment thing.

5 years ago, Randy agreed to quit smoking for me.  Not because he really wanted to, but because I wanted him to.  He knew it meant a lot to me, and he knew I hated it, so he did it for me.  He quit practically cold-turkey.  He used the patch for about a month, we ran out, and he decided he didn't even need that anymore.  This happened between deployments 2 and 3.  

When it came time for deployment number 3, we made a deal.  He could smoke for the length of the deployment.  BUT, when he landed at Cherry Point, he was a non-smoker again. 

He's kept to that promise, with the exception of a stretch of 2 months or so at the beginning of last year.  

Smoking is mainly a stress-reliever for him.  So when things start stressing him out, he goes for the cigarettes.  Which is why I completely understand why he needs to smoke during a deployment.  If that's what he needs to do to keep his head on straight and have the frame of mind he needs to be able to make the kinds of decisions he does, then so be it.  

I don't enjoy buying the cigarettes, and I'm fairly certain I sound and look like a complete moron when purchasing them- I have the brand name written on a post-it note in my purse, and have to whip that out each time!  Which is why it frustrated me to no end yesterday when I couldn't find the kind of cigarettes he wanted.  Its one of 2 things Randy asks me to send him when he's deployed.  Cigarettes and Mountain Dew.  I think I can manage to do that for him.  And besides, it makes me feel like I'm doing something to help him through this deployment.

So, for the next 6 months, I will be married to a smoker. But I am completely okay with that! 

3 homecomings and counting

February 29.  September 25.  2004

March 5.  October 1. 2005

  

September 5.  March 21. 2007

  

February 25....  2011

Four years ago today, Randy returned home from his third deployment.    

I'm having a hard time figuring out what exactly I want to write.  I'm kinda sick of being such a downer in my blogs lately- so I apologize for that.  

I do know that looking at these pictures, and the rest of our pictures from 3 other homecomings made me smile.  It reminded me how good that feels- after seven months, to finally get that hug you've been waiting for.  It reminded me why I do this- for moments like those 3 we were lucky enough to capture on film.  

I know it's all worth it- and it makes me incredibly hopeful, because I know Homecoming #4 will be here before I know it.  

And I just can't wait!

The truck

Today was a nice day for a road trip.

The plan was to meet Mike and Nick at the North Carolina border.  They were kind enough to meet me with Randy's truck, because he and I couldn't get it back up to VA before Randy deployed.  Ben was nice enough to come with me to drive the truck back to the house.  The plan worked perfectly.

(Again today, I was reminded of how incredibly lucky I am to have such great friends.  These guys took a HUGE chunk of their day to help me out- and none of them wanted anything in return.  I'm so grateful to all 3 of them for helping me with this.)

What wasn't in the plan- how I feel right now.  How painful it was to ride behind Randy's truck, and know he wasn't driving.  And to think that he wasn't going to be driving it for another 6 months.  How sad it was to sit inside the truck- that smelled funny, but still smelled like.... him.  It made me miss him more than I think I have in the last (almost!) month, and that was a shock to me.  Because I really miss my husband a lot... but right now... ugh.  

I guess this is another one of those weird deployment quirks.  Who knew a truck could make me feel this way?  Seeing his visor hanging on the rearview mirror- the month old bag of trash- (really honey??) - his chicken scratch handwriting on random pieces of paper.... silly little things that I think everyone else might take for granted, because their guy is around every day. 


 I think my point here for everyone is don't take it all for granted.  Don't complain too much about the smelly truck, the fact that he doesn't clean up after himself... all the little things.  Because when it really comes down to it, when he's not around to do all those little things, those are the things you miss the most.  

And right now, I really miss my husband.

30 day project- Day 26

Day 26- A picture of something that means a lot to you

That's my Atta Girl bracelet.  

Right now, this bracelet means the world to me.  I've worn it every day since Christmas, and it's a constant reminder of Randy, and everything he and I have accomplished together. 

Each one of the charms I have is modeled after a ribbon or medal Randy has earned.  Each one of those charms represents something he and I have made it through together.  

The very first one I got was the Purple Heart charm- (Atta Girl calls it the Injured in Hazardous Duty Lady Laurel)- Hope for the Warriors gave that to me when Randy was deployed in 2006.  

It might not be me who has actually earned the award, but to me its representative of our journey through the Marine Corps, and everything-both good and bad- that we have experienced. 

I miss him.

Ok, its only been 2 weeks. 

So I feel completely ridiculous saying this.  But I miss Randy.

Photo by Christina Canterbury

  

I've actually been surprised by how much I've been able to talk to him, while he has been in transit.  But today was the last phone call for who knows how long.  It could be tomorrow, it could be next week, it could be a month from now.  And I think that thought finally made this very real.  

(Because clearly, my husband hopping a plane to the other side of the world didn't make it real enough for me-ha!)

All of a sudden, the reality of all this seems too much for me to handle.  How can I really and truly handle 26 more weeks of this?  (I'm hesitant to write all this because I don't want my poor husband to think I'm punking out on him- trust me I can handle it- it has just been an off day!)

26 weeks?!  It might as well be a lifetime. 

I can't get through a work day fast enough- it seems like time is standing still.  I can't flip the page of my weekly planner soon enough- I don't have enough stuff going on to distract me.  All I want to do is turn the page to April- because then it will be more weeks down, one more month down.  


I miss being able to call him on my way home from work.  I miss being able to tell him about my day- every day.  I miss just sitting on the couch with him and relaxing.  I miss him getting the dog off my back for a while- she will just not leave me alone!  I miss him making fun of me, and making me laugh every day.  


But somehow, somehow....... 6 and a half months sounds a lot more bearable than 7 months.  And tomorrow will be another day.  I will drag my sorry butt out of bed, put my jeans on (because Friday is jeans day at work) and just keep on keepin' on. 


What other choice do I have?  I'm a Marine wife, and right now my job is to miss my husband.  My job is to thrive each and every day while he is gone.  There's no point in staying miserable too long. 


In 6 and half months, my job as a Marine wife will be to not leave his side.  And that's what's getting me through today. 

30 day project- Day 20

Day 20- A picture of something you wish you could forget

April 30, 2004

I am positive I am not the only one that wishes they could forget this day. 

This is a picture of Randy's vehicle- an LAV.  That big crater in front is where a car used to be.  A vehicle that was a bomb.  There are other pictures that I can't even bring myself to look at.  It's hard enough to look at this picture and think of what happened.

I think I've only heard the whole story of this day one time.  I'm not going to rewrite all the details out of respect for my husband, the men that lost their lives, and their families, and the Marines of Delta Company.  I know that it was a terribly tragic day that changed many lives.

I remember that I was studying for finals on April 30th.  I had one HUGE Political Science final on that Monday, and I was planning on studying in the park that day, because my friend April's bridal shower and bachelorette party were that Saturday, then my parents were coming into town for my birthday on Sunday. 

My phone rang early that morning, and it was Randy's wife (who, a month later would cheat on him and leave him) calling to tell me that he had been injured in a suicide bomb explosion.  From what she was able to gather, he had a cut on his head, and his leg was injured.  None of us really knew how bad anything was, and I remember waiting around all day to hear more details. I remember I didn't really react- because he had called her himself, so how bad could it really be?  (He later told me that he wanted to call me first, but his command wouldn't let him.)

So I went about my day, studying, getting ready for my weekend.  I came home and sat down to watch TV before going out for the night.  I remember laying in my bed and flipping through the channels, and them something made me stop.  I don't watch Fox News- but something made me turn back to the channel.  I was staring at a face that was so incredibly familiar to me, but I couldn't figure out why.  It was a guy- who was sitting in a bed, with his entire head bandaged from his eyebrows up.  It took me about 30 seconds to realize it was Randy.  In a hospital in Baghdad.  He was being interviewed (if I remember correctly) because control of Fallujah had been handed back over to the citizens.  It was a very violent day, so the loss of 2 Marines and injuries to others made the news here at home. 


It's a day that I wish I could forget, because it changed a lot of things.  Randy lost 2 friends, and he and the two others in the vehicle were injured.  The day, and the injuries that Randy suffered- both visible and invisible- impact our lives on a daily basis.  

Each April 30, I am reminded that life is short, so you must live each day to its absolute fullest.  I am reminded of how brave my husband and his friends were that day.  I am reminded of the ultimate sacrifice that so many Marines have made to protect my freedom.

But, most importantly, I am reminded of how incredibly lucky I am to have Randy in my life.
 

30 day project- Day 19

Day 19- A picture and a letter



How about a picture of LOTS of letters?

There's a container in our basement that has nothing but deployment letters in it- letters that I sent, letters that Randy sent, letters that our family and friends sent.  

If I were to guess, I'd say there's probably right around 450-500 letters in there.  Randy asked me to write every day, so there's a letter a day from 2 deployments, plus all the miscellaneous moto-mails that I sent, and then on top the mail from me, there are cards from classes of children, and family, and friends.  Its probably even more than 500.  I'm not even about to try to count all that though!


(You can also see in the container my super-anal, way too organized self shining through.  I have ziploc bags labeled with letters to him, to me, letters from friends, along with the dates the letters cover.  I think I'm crazy.)

Three deployments worth of letters.  

I haven't quite figured out why I'm saving all of this.  But I just can't bring myself to throw any of it away.  It's an entire chunk of our lives written out- how can I part with that?

After this deployment, I think we are going to need a bigger box!

30 day project- Day 16

Day 16- A picture of someone who inspires you

Iraq 2006

That guy again.

He probably doesn't know this, but he inspires me every single day.  (This blog entry will probably make his head swell a little!)

Randy is the only person I know who has accomplished everything he has ever wanted to already in his life.  And he is not quite 26 years old.  He has overcome more adversity than anyone ever should, and has always come out better on the other side because of it. 

He has made a self-less decision to serve his country, and to leave behind his family and friends, and everything that he knows and loves.  He does it willingly, and with so much excitement and energy that I can't possibly be sad (for too long) about him being away.  

He strives to make himself a better person, a better Marine, a better husband, and a better leader every single day.  Because of that, I strive to be better too. 

I am just so incredibly proud to know him, let alone have him as my husband.  He is truly an inspiration to anyone that is lucky enough to have him in their life. 

What a relief

Whew.

Well, D-Day is behind us. 

I feel like a weight has been lifted off of me.  Which is a strange thing to feel, being as my husband is currently headed to a combat zone.  Regardless, I am relieved.  I almost feel guilty saying that "out loud", but that's how I feel.  It's such a relief to know that the last six months of emotional build up and anticipation is behind us.  I don't have to deal with saying "see you later" to him again.  (In the Marine Corps, its NEVER goodbye- its always see you later!)  I can now have my eyes on the prize- homecoming. 

Yesterday was an incredibly exhausting day- both physically and emotionally.  It was for both of us.  Even though this is the 4th go round for us (which is still so hard for me to believe) this was definitely the hardest send-off for us.  Turns out, we actually LIKE each other, and LIKE spending time together.  The last 3 years have certainly shown us that.  We knew that the hardest part would be to have to let go of each other, and for him to get on the bus.  Once we got past that part, it was all downhill from there.  And, in our conversation today, we both admitted it was hard, but we both felt relief that it was behind us.  

Nothing was harder than having to break away from the last hug and kiss- and then watch him get on the bus.  When the buses were pulling away, I watched him until the last possible second, until I could no longer see the buses-or him-anymore.  I have done that every time.  I need to do that, I'm not quite sure why though.  But as soon as the buses were out of sight, I was able to finally take a deep breath.  

The hard part is behind us- believe it or not. 

Now, I just need to get used to the 4 am calls, and writing letters every day.  

Oh- and if you are keeping track, I kept my promise.  I did not cry.... much. 

***On a sidenote, I just wanted to say thank you.  Thank you to everyone who called, texted, posted on facebook, and stood by our side going through this yesterday.  I read every single picture comment, wall post, all of it.  And everything made me a little bit stronger and braver. I don't think we would have had the strength if it wasn't for our friends and family sending us their strength, and courage, and love.  So, to answer everyone's question- How do you do it? I do it because I have amazingly supportive people in my life, who just refuse to let me fall.  I love you all for that!!!

My deployment goals

(This is another effort to focus on the positive aspects of my husband going away for 7 months.) 

So at this point, we are days away from THE DAY.  I'm doing my best to hold it together, and try to look beyond D-Day.  

Before deployment, I think all of us wives set "goals" for ourselves.  These things may be completely insignificant, or big huge financial goals or things involving children and family. 

Either way, we have our list of things to do, and things we want to get done and make happen while the boys are away.  It makes the time go by a bit faster, and makes things seem more manageable when you can see you are getting stuff done.

A lot of my deployment goals are centered around money, because yes, we do make a little more when the guys are deployed.  But let me tell you- I'd give up every penny of it if it means Randy could stay home!

So- my goals for this deployment, in no particular order:

1.  Pay off my car.  (This isn't totally fair to list this-deployment or not, I am done paying for my car in June.)  Along with this- possibly pay off the truck.  This may be a stretch, but I'm going to try. 

2.  Get organized and clean out.  This will be helpful in the fall, when the movers will have that much less CRAP to pack and move for us.

3.  Lose 15-20 lbs.  I think every single deployment girl I know has this goal.  Somehow its easier to lose weight when the guys aren't around.  Maybe its stress, maybe its because most marines I know are human garbage disposals.... and unfortunately, when he eats, I eat..... 

4.  Have a savings account again.  Well, at least a healthy looking one!

5.  Have at least one fun something to look forward to each month.  It can be something simple- like a one hour massage.  It doesn't have to be anything major.  It just needs to be SOMETHING that will make the time go by faster.  Although I have big things planned too- an Easter trip to California, and a halfway trip to Asheville, NC!

6.  Get our fabulous cruise booked and paid for!  This is a no brainer!!! 

So there they are.  I probably will add to this list as we get further into the next 7 months.  Hopefully, it will make the time go by faster, and give me something else to think about.  Its nice to be able to feel a sense of accomplishment on your own, while your husband is off saving the world. ;)

I'm a bad wife

Yep, I said it.  I am a bad wife. 

I don't really enjoy cooking, or baking.  I'm not exactly the most domestic girl in the world. (If you are any of those things- please don't take offense!) 




This is NOT us.  End of story.  The thought of it makes me giggle though!


I blame my stubborn independence on my mother, who raised both my sister and me with the notion that while boys were nice to have around, you didn't NEED a man to make you happy.  You sure as heck didn't NEED to depend on one to take care of you.  If you want to be happy, you better run and start making yourself happy. 

Back in May or June, Randy accepted orders to our new unit at Camp Lejeune.  This was after we originally had orders to 29 Palms, (kill me now!) then Camp Pendleton.  I wasn't quite ready to venture to the West Coast, and besides that I had JUST started a new job.  I was really torn on what to do- follow my husband across the country, and watch him deploy a few months later, or stay where I was until after the deployment.  We knew regardless of the unit we were with, we would be facing a deployment anyway.  So we made probably one of the hardest decisions in our marriage to date.  We decided that I would stay in VA, and he would attempt to change his orders to an East Coast unit, to make it a little bit easier on both of us.

This is why I feel like I am a bad wife.  Granted, it was a decision we both made together, but it has been much harder for me that I realized.  I feel bad that I am not able to cook him dinner every night before he leaves for deployment, I feel bad that I'm not there when he is frustrated and needs someone to vent to.   I feel bad that I'm not doing his laundry (as much as I hate it!)  I just feel bad that I'm not there to be a "good" pre-deployment wife.  

It gets frustrating.  I'm so lucky though that Randy has been so okay with this every step of the way.  This has challenged us in ways that are new to us.  It's almost-almost-harder now than it is to be apart during a deployment.  When you are only 300 miles away from each other, its irritating not to be able to see each other every single day.  There's no good reason for this separation, unlike the deployment, when the Marine Corps makes us be apart.  (I've tried stowing away in his sea bag each time!) 

It's hard to do it all on my own each day- be a single mom to my furbabies, and take care of EVERYTHING for much longer than I really planned.  But this is what I wanted.  I needed to be slightly selfish for the next few months and do what made ME happy, not what made the Marine Corps happy.  It's probably the only time in Randy's career (because he's a lifer, you know) that I will be able to make such a decision, and have it work so well for us. 

That's another reason why I'm so excited to start the deployment countdown- each day is of course one day closer to homecoming, but another day closer to my move to NC, back with my husband, where I belong. 

 

The good things about a deployment

Yep, you read that right.

There are, surprisingly, some good things about my husband leaving for 7 months.  So, in an effort to focus on the positive, here they are, in no particular order:

1.  I get an entire king-size waterbed to MYSELF. 
      Well, not completely, as I usually have 2 out of 3 furbabies in bed with me.  Nevertheless, I have it all to myself.  I don't have to worry about being pinned to one side of the bed.  I can lay smack in the middle, and stay that way all night. Plus, I don't have to listen to someone snoring half the night away, or dodge swinging elbows that make me see stars at 2 AM.....

This is seriously how this dog sleeps.  All the time!

2.  I lose weight.  
      Now, I haven't quite figured out if its weight loss because of stress, or because my husband isn't around.  For those that know Randy, he eats a LOT.  And yet he still manages to remain the same weight.  I envy him.  When he's around, if he eats something, I have a couple bites too.  When he's deployed, I maybe have a baked potato for dinner, or some chicken fingers.  Last deployment, I lost close to 20 pounds.  I'm hoping to come close to that this time around too.  

3.  I can watch CNN all the time and nobody will whine about how boring it is.  
     You all know I am a news junkie.  There's just no way around it.  I am constantly watching, reading, listening to something that has to do with the news or politics.  I just love it!!  Unfortunately, Randy does NOT.  He has been kind enough to learn to tolerate it as long as possible (I think he makes it through about half of the State of the Union address now).  But there are times when it is just too much for him to handle.  With him around less, my TV is on CNN and MSNBC practically 24 hours a day.... except when I'm watching Teen Mom.  It's my guilty pleasure.


4.My grocery bill drops dramatically.
     This goes right along with how much Randy eats.  When he was home over leave, we spent about $150 a week on groceries.  When its just me, I spend $50 every two weeks.  Which means I will be saving lots of money to buy new Coach!!!

 

 

 

I seriously NEED this jacket- isn't it amazing?!

5.  I get plenty of "me time". 
     Probably a little too much time by myself, but I really don't mind it.  I am independent and stubborn, and I need the peace and quiet every once in a while.  I need to come home from work and decompress, read a book, and just veg out.

6.  I learn to appreciate my husband all over again.
     I think that's pretty self explanatory.  The most important thing deployments have taught me is that you can't take your partner for granted.  We can't get used to constantly having our husband there, because chances are, he's got one foot out the door on the way to a field exercise, a mess night, or a He-Man woman hater's club meeting... hehe.  So the time that we do get to spend together is that much more important, and the things that he does for me and helps me with become that much more meaningful.  Even something as mundane and basic as feeding the dog and taking out the trash are so helpful, and something as simple as watching the entire series of Friends becomes valuable time together.

7.  I get to reconnect with friends and family that I've neglected during the pre-deployment workup. I also get to strengthen my friendships with my fellow military wives.
     Right before a deployment, we pretty much shut down from the world, and try to spend as much time together as possible.  While that is great for us, it sucks for my friends and family who pretty much have a communication black-out from me.  Or at least I feel that way.  I apologize to those that I might have neglected- I have the next 7 months to make it up to you!  That also means that I get to visit- I already have trips planned- I'm most excited about my Easter trip to California! ;) 


8.  I don't have to cook every night!
      While I consider myself to be a good cook, I don't particularly enjoy it.  So a deployment gives me a welcome break from that.  If it comes in a bag and can be stored in the freezer, that's pretty much what I'm eating during deployments!  Chicken fingers, mozzarella sticks, a piece of fruit... if its simple and easy, I love it!


I'm sure there are positives that I am forgetting, but I don't want my poor husband to think I actually enjoy him being gone.  ;)  Today though, I just refuse to dwell on the negatives.  During a deployment, you just have to embrace the good things.  Sometimes it's hard to find them, but I promise, good things are there!  And besides- each day just brings us closer to homecoming.... which is really the best positive of them all!!

Opposites Attract!

 

Yep, that's us.  Total opposites.  That Paula Abdul song might very well have been written about us. 



(P.S. Randy knows every word to this song.)
He cracks me up every time when he sings it!

Randy and I have known each other close to 11 years.  We met my senior year of high school, his freshman year.  (Insert cradle robbing jokes here- I've heard em all!)  We met at band camp.  I was in the bandfront, he played the trombone.  He was an icky freshman, I was a badass senior.  I never thought much of him- other than he was a nice kid.  But something about him just always stuck with me- I think it was the duct-tape on the Yankees baseball cap, or maybe that infectious smile.  But we remained friends when I left for college. 

The one thing I have ALWAYS known about Randy is that he wanted to be a Marine.  I remember in high school- its all he ever talked about.  So I was not surprised when he enlisted minutes after he turned 18.  I wasn't surprised when he called to say goodbye when he left for boot camp.  We wrote, I got him in trouble for sending him a package, and I wrote to apologize for getting him in trouble.  (I still feel bad about that babe!)  He left for his first deployment to Iraq in 2004, and when his personal life kinda fell apart on him, I was there to pick up the pieces.  When he got off the bus in September 2004, I was there, and have been there ever since.  

He's got this complete wild side- a total adrenaline junkie.  I am happiest on the couch, with a blanket and a good book.  He is totally spur of the moment- I need a PLAN.  He can't sit still to save his life- I could happily watch movies all day long.  When we go home, he's got to be on the move, I love just spending time with my parents.  I am a complete home-body, he is anything but.  He is all about adventure- I am not.  We just don't make sense.  But somehow, we make it work every single day.  

Our wedding day- October 6, 2007.  Of course he would.

Randy definitely keeps me on my toes, but I wouldn't have it any other way.  He's completely crazy, and drives me crazy, but I love it.  I didn't marry him to try to change him into something I wanted.  I married him because I love him exactly the way he is- crazy and all.  Of course we have our good days and bad days, but who doesn't?  The most rewarding part of a marriage is knowing that you can work through those good days and bad days together, and come out on the other side better and stronger for it.   We balance each other out remarkably well.  I keep him level and organized, he reminds me its okay to laugh and have fun.   

On the cruise- August 2010

 I remember someone coming up to us the day of our wedding and saying, "but you guys have NOTHING in common!"  That still makes me laugh, because its just TRUE!  We have nothing in common- except we are crazy about each other.  Isn't that enough?  Why would I marry someone exactly like me?  How boring would that be??   

photo by Christina Canterbury

I wouldn't change any of it though, not for a second. 

I love you babe! ;)