200 days

200 days.

6 months, 16 days.

28 weeks, 4 days.

4,800 hours.

Essentially- a long freaking time.



In the last 200 days I have:

-Redecorated my living room

-purchased an iPhone

-survived Easter with a stomach bug

-flew to California

-traveled home to Pennsylvania twice

-decided to move to North Carolina

-successfully completed a solo PCS move in the middle of a deployment with 2 cats, a dog, and my mommy.

-lost 15 lbs (I still have 5 freaking more to go.)

-saved enough money so I could be unemployed and incredibly bored until a good job comes along

-Unpacked 136 boxes in the new house.  (I left the one labeled "Hats" for the boy to take care of.)

-Exchanged lots of emails, letters, packages, and pictures with my guy, and received many calls from an "unknown" caller.  

It has been a long 200 days.  Not as long as past deployments- I've said it before, but this non-combat deployment aspect makes a HUGE difference on my stress levels- but still long enough that I can feel myself slowly going crazy with anticipation.  I am very ready for this deployment to be over- mostly so I can see if my husband and I are actually capable of living under the same roof again.  After 3 years of doing the geo-bachelor thing- we are taking bets on how long before we both get sick of each other!

I am ready for him to be home to see where he lives- I sort of feel bad that at the moment, he needs directions to get to his own house.  I am ready for him to see his dog.  I am ready for him to take out the trash, walk the dog, clean up the kitchen after I cook dinner, help me with laundry, help me with cleaning... the list goes on and on.

I am just ready for us to be a team again.  I am exhausted, and really ready to hand off some responsibilities.  As easy as I make it seem as I manage every aspect of both of our lives, I'm tired.  I'm ready for him to make me crazy because he seems like he's not listening- then repeats every word back verbatim when I yell at him about not listening.  

In a few days, it will be October.  Then I will finally be able to say that my guy will be home NEXT month!

 

 

How do you measure a year?

I watched Rent earlier today so if the title of this blog rings a bell for anyone, that's probably why.  I am not sure what made me watch it... but what stuck out to me was that line... how do you measure a year?  A year in the Marine Corps can be measured by days left at a duty station, days until you get orders, days until your best friends move back to the same coast as you, or days until a deployment is finished. For us, this past year has been measured by my Marine being home.   (Maybe not in the most conventional sense of the word, but home nonetheless!)


One year ago today, I was on my way to Camp Lejeune for our homecoming.  Tomorrow, September 19th, marks one whole year since the boy got home from his most recent deployment

by Amanda Courtney Photography

 It really amazes me that one whole year has gone by since that day... since I was able to wrap my arms around him for the first time in 206 days... since I was finally able to take a deep breath again and know that everything would be okay.

by Amanda Courtney Photography

This year has been measured by how far removed we are from a deployment.  The boy and I are lucky enough to be an entire year away from a deployment ending, and not have a deployment looming in the near future.  It is actually a strange place for us to be, and kind of hard for us (well, at least for me).  We have a couple friends deployed right now, a handful that just got home, and very close couple of friends that will be leaving in the next few months.  It is a weird feeling of guilt... that I really have a hard time putting into words.  But that is life in the Marine Corps- when it comes to deployments in our world, we all serve our time and do what we need to do.   We don't play the who had it worse game, we are there to support each other no matter what, and be there for the family members that are holding down the home front.

The year in front of us will hopefully be measured by the time we are able to spend together.  We have been doing the geo-bachelor thing for almost 2 years now, and I am hopeful that there is an end in sight for us.  I am hopeful that things will be back to "normal", and that we will be living under one roof and driving each other crazy.  I'm hoping we will wind up relatively close to home, but I am not holding my breath for that one... you just never know what curve ball the Marine Corps will throw at you!

Until then, I will be happy with where my guy is- 365 whole days of being safe on US soil!

by Amanda Courtney Photography

It's Official- I am a FOUR deployment survivor!

It's OVER!!!!!

Finally, finally, FINALLY, deployment number four is a thing of the PAST.

September 19th ranks right up there with September 25, October 1, and March 21.  All of these days mark the END of our deployments.  Each year when they roll around, they make me smile.  They remind me of what I have accomplished as a Marine Corps wife, and what Randy and I have conquered together.

There are no words to describe seeing those buses pull into the parking lot.  It is the BEST feeling in the world.  (Ask any Marine wife- those buses are the worst, and then the best thing ever!)

And then when you FINALLY- after 206 days- get to see him again- once again, there are no words. 

Good thing for pictures though!!

Every time I look at that picture, the only word that comes to mind is relief.  Relief that we made it through stronger and better, relief that my husband is home safe and sound, and relief that it is over. 

I am so glad I had a photographer there- because honestly, that whole day is a blur.  (Amanda Courtney did a fantastic job- check her out here!  I can't wait to see the rest of our pictures!) 

I was lucky enough to have not only my parents, but my sister and her boyfriend, AND our good friends Nick, Christi, and Christi's adorable little girls to keep me occupied and laughing while we waited a solid three hours.  (Honestly, Christi's girls were waaaay more patient than I was!!)

I think I was much more relaxed this time though because Randy had a cell phone with him and was able to let me know exactly what was going on every step of the way.  He called me when they landed at Cherry Point, when they left, and when they hit certain landmarks on their way back to base.  It definitely made the waiting a lot easier for me. 

It was great to be able to spend that time with everyone- and what I love MOST about our pictures is that our family and friends are in all of our pictures too.  It just makes it even more special for me.  It meant so much to both of us that they took time out of their day to be there.

Funny part about this picture is I honestly do not remember Nick yelling and carrying on like he is.  It's like the entire world froze for that moment, and nothing that was happening around us even mattered. 

I could have stayed right there in that moment forever.  Nothing else mattered- except that Randy and I were together again.

Turns out, seven months is a pretty decent chunk of time.  I accomplished a lot, I kept myself busy, and I learned some things, and was reminded of others.  Now that this deployment is behind us, I can reflect and realize that as much as deployments suck- it will only ever be as bad as you make it.  

I could have sat around and moped and cried and not eaten- but what's the point? It's not going to change anything, and the dog would have starved- she only eats after I eat.  I could have attempted to do every single thing myself- but I realized that it's a lot easier to ask for help, especially if people are offering.  


I was reminded that I am much stronger than I think I am, and that my Marine wife friends are some of the toughest, strongest and most dedicated people I will ever have the privilege of knowing.  I am incredibly lucky to know the women (and I guess the guys too!) that I do-and so thankful to be a part of this crazy Marine Corps family.  

Whew- and I was also reminded what it feels like to breathe.  I'm pretty sure I had been holding my breath since February 25th!

One step closer

This has been one looooong week.

My end-of-deployment insomnia is starting. I don't really know what that's all about- but it happens every deployment.  I think its just sheer excitement keeping me awake at night.

I've also been stressed out a lot lately.  Just a lot on my mind, and the impatience of having to wait until Randy gets home to make plans and decisions is starting to wear on me. 

Anyway, we hit another deployment/homecoming milestone yesterday. 

A pretty big one.  I got a box from Randy! 

I've been looking for this box for the last month.  I don't know what the deal is, but mail from Afghanistan takes forevvvver.  Seriously.  Anything that I've mailed Randy hasn't taken any longer than 2 weeks tops.  But even letter mail that he has sent me has taken up to 6 weeks.  This package was sent out in mid-July.  It took almost 5 weeks to get to me. 

But again, his timing couldn't have been better.  After a long, sucky, stressful week (where once again I swear I've reached my breaking point!)  I pulled into my driveway and noticed a whole heap of boxes on my porch.  (hello, online shopping!)

When I realized that one of the boxes was THE box- I started crying.

Lame, I know.  But that's all I could do was cry.  To know that we are finally at the point in this deployment where he can send stuff home is just HUGE.  

THE box.  And all of the stamps.

 

It's a huge sense of relief-there are things in this box that he just doesn't need anymore- because he will be home soon.  It's really one of my favorite parts of the deployment process.  

The box also had letters and cards in it that I had sent.  (It makes me laugh when I get a box full of mail that I have sent him- I almost wonder what the point is- then I remember how important it is to him!) There were also 2 discs of pictures, and a disc with a video on it he made for me.  Nothing major with the video- just him sitting there talking to me.  But that was the first time I had seen my husband's face in 6 months.  So again- a pretty big deal for this girl!

I sorted through the letters pretty quickly- but one thing stuck out almost immediately.  How many different people had taken the time to send mail to Randy. It made me cry... again.  (Fair warning- the tears will only get worse from here.  The night before Randy comes home I will be a hot mess- there's no doubt about it.  At that point, its mostly the huge sense of relief I feel, and the emotions that have been building for the last 7 months.)

In the last few deployments, people always said they would send Randy stuff, and write him... but for one reason or another, never got around to it.  But this time- I am confident in saying that every single person who told me they would write to Randy, or asked me for his address actually followed through and sent something.  It was completely overwhelming to me to see how many people had taken time out of their day and their hectic crazy lives to put something in the mail for Randy.  It might not seem like a big deal- but to these guys, mail is what keeps them going.  And really, keeps me going too.  It just completely blew me away- and I am so appreciative to each and every person who took time to send a card or a note or a package to Randy... and his guys.  

The support we have had through this deployment has been nothing short of amazing, and we are both so incredibly blessed to have such wonderful friends who stepped up and supported us through this entire process.   

We would not have been as successful as we have been through this deployment if it weren't for you!

Now.... onward to homecoming!!!

The "perfect" homecoming outfit

Tomorrow the search begins.

The search for the perfect homecoming outfit.

My friend Chelsey has been kind enough- or crazy enough- to volunteer to help me with this search.  So tomorrow we are shopping.  I have no idea what exactly I am looking for.  I'm hoping I will know it when I see it.  However, I am confident I know what I am not looking for.

With this being our 4th homecoming, I have really seen it all.  So I have a good idea of what NOT to wear.  (At least for me!)

1. No White.

In 2004, I traveled to Camp Lejeune with Randy's mom, brother, and a couple close family friends of theirs.  We left late Friday night, and he was due home Saturday afternoon.  I got changed in the Burger King bathroom on base.  (Classy, I know.)  I threw on a white tank top and jeans and flip flops.  My goal was to be comfortable- because I knew we would be waiting for quite a while.  That's just what you do at homecoming.  You wait.  And I was- so I succeeded there.  

What I did not factor in was hugs.  

Once the guys got off the bus- I was hugging absolute strangers (who are now like my big brothers).  It was so completely overwhelming to meet all these guys who knew so much about me already- and they all deserved a hug.  My white tank top quickly became covered with gross handprints.  After all, these guys had been at war for 7 months, and hadn't showered in 2 days because they were traveling, and then had just loaded and unloaded all of their gear from the plane into the trucks. 

Lesson learned- No white!!!

2.  No dresses, and no heels.

The girls that wear dresses and/or high heels are brave in my book.  Again- we are standing around waiting for hours.  There are hundreds of family members and friends, and never enough chairs.  Each homecoming I have found myself sitting on a curb, or plopping down in the middle of the sidewalk.  (That is when I'm not frantically pacing with nervousness and excitement!)

There's just no way to be ladylike in a dress and sit on a sidewalk, unless I want the whole world to be up in my business.  (Which believe it or not, I have seen before!)  There is also no way I would risk potentially breaking an ankle running to greet Randy with heels on.  That's why I stick to flip flips.  (I actually wore the exact same pair of flips to our 3 back to back homecomings.  I'm kinda sad they broke and I won't be able to rock them this year.)

I was looking at pictures on a photographer's Facebook page the other day- and one thing stuck out at me when I looked at one homecoming in particular.  This girl's dress was so short, that when she ran and jumped on her husband- her butt was mere centimeters from hanging out.  Um, no thanks.

3. No costumes, or costume accessories.

Don't worry, you read that right.  You'd be surprised what some significant others wear.  I will never- and I mean NEVER- forget this one.  In 2005 Randy came home on October 1st.  I'm not sure if this one wife missed the memo that Halloween was still a few weeks away.  But I remember trying not to stare.  She was wearing one of those headbands that have devil horns on them.  Glittery sequin covered devil horns.  With a red tank top, plaid skirt, fishnets, and thigh high boots.  Completely appropriate for the family atmosphere that homecoming is, right?  To make it even more memorable, she had about 6 kids and a new puppy that ran circles around her for 2 hours straight, while she sat in a chair and smoked a cigarette.  (I am sure some of my LAR ladies remember this!)

I think I'm putting a bit more thought into my outfit this time around because I have hired a photographer to be there.  So I'm figuring that if I'm spending the money for that, I might as well look nice in the pictures!  You can check out my past homecoming outfits here.

So my goal with the perfect homecoming outfit is to be comfortable, look nice, and be appropriate and memorable- but not memorable in a trashy way.  Hopefully this isn't too tall of an order.  I'll let you know how it goes! ;) 

Nerves, Jitters, Anxiety...

Call it what you will, the pre-homecoming whatever is already starting to get to me. 

Every time I even THINK about homecoming, I get butterflies.  I am so excited, and cannot wait to see Randy again.  Then the panic hits me- will I even be able to FIND him??   But then I remind myself that I recognized him from this picture:

So chances are I will be able to find him.  I hope.

*Sidenote and true story- in 2005 I started to have dreams that I wasn't going to be able to find the boy when he got off the bus.  Homecoming is chaos.  About 10 charter buses pull up, and out pours hundreds of marines all wearing the exact same thing- and of course they all wear the same damn sunglasses too!  There are probably thousands of family members standing around in a teeny parking lot- and everyone is trying to find who they belong to.  Well, my dream came true.  I could not find Randy.  I stood there practically in tears- and was looking so far that I didn't even realize he was walking right up to me and standing in front of me.  So now I leave it up to him to find me- because based on what he's told me, he's spotted me each time before the buses are even in the parking lot.  Anyway..... 

Then I get nervous-will I look okay? Will he look okay? Will we be okay??    Then the stress starts- and I start wondering what new battles and demons we will be facing in a few months, or years- if last time was any indication.

So here's how we handle what the Marine Corps refers to as "Return and Reunion".  Well, at least that's what they called it 4 years ago! (Please note, this is just based on my perspective and experience with my Marine- everyone handles deployments differently- so you just need to take it day by day and see how it goes.)

~I've already given most of our family and friends the stupid question speech.  Stupid questions include, but are not limited to, any and all versions of the following:

     

     -Did you kill anyone?

     -Were you scared?

     -What's it like to shoot someone?

     -How did you get a Purple Heart? (this one really only applies in conversations about the first deployment)

     -Did you miss your family?

I think you can kinda see where I am going here.  Randy has, unfortunately, been asked all of the above way too many times.  And when I am around and these questions are asked, please do not be offended if I slap you upside your head.  It is important for these guys to know that they CAN talk to us- but it needs to be on their terms and when they are ready- not when some long lost relative decides they need to know everything now. 

~One of the first things I tell Randy when I actually get to see him is that I will always listen to whatever he wants and needs to tell me.  I am constantly reminding him of this.  It is important for him to know that I am here if he needs to talk.  There are some things I will never know about his time spent at war- and I am okay with that.  But, if the time comes and he does want to tell me- I am more than willing to listen. 

~I expect the unexpected.  Right after Randy returned home in 2004, we were at a mutual friends' wedding reception.  A little kid had gotten hold of a balloon, and popped said balloon.  Randy dropped faster than anything I have ever seen- because that sound of the balloon popping immediately took him back to Iraq- where he was being shot at and things were exploding constantly.  I remember just standing there staring at him- and wondering what the heck had just happened.  There was also a time he woke me up looking for his rifle or K-bar, I can't remember which.  But again, something instantly sent him back to Iraq, and he woke up believing he was there.  

~I ask what he wants to do.  Does he really want to run and see every single family member and friend we have?  Yes they all want to see him- but that is overwhelming for anybody, let alone someone returning from combat.  That's why this time we are having one party at my parents house.  That way everyone will have a chance to see Randy, but will save him from a lot of unnecessary stress and exhaustion.  

~We don't play the "Who Had It Worse" Game.  We both accept the fact that we each had our own sucky experiences and things we had to deal with while we were apart.  We talk about it- but understand that it sucked equally for each of us, obviously in different ways.  While he didn't have to nurse the dog back to health after leg surgery, he did have to be away from us while it all was happening.  Deployments suck for everyone equally, and that's all there is to it.

Here are some helpful things to read for more information:

Return and Reunion- USMC (I just love that this is from 2003....but it's still helpful!)

Real Warriors After Deployment

Military OneSource

http://supportyourvet.org/

Afterdeployment.org

http://www.operationptsd.com/

I can tell you one thing- there were not nearly this many resources and websites available to us 4 years ago.  There is so much information out there- and there are always people to help!

3 homecomings and counting

February 29.  September 25.  2004

March 5.  October 1. 2005

  

September 5.  March 21. 2007

  

February 25....  2011

Four years ago today, Randy returned home from his third deployment.    

I'm having a hard time figuring out what exactly I want to write.  I'm kinda sick of being such a downer in my blogs lately- so I apologize for that.  

I do know that looking at these pictures, and the rest of our pictures from 3 other homecomings made me smile.  It reminded me how good that feels- after seven months, to finally get that hug you've been waiting for.  It reminded me why I do this- for moments like those 3 we were lucky enough to capture on film.  

I know it's all worth it- and it makes me incredibly hopeful, because I know Homecoming #4 will be here before I know it.  

And I just can't wait!