The verdict is in

After 20 weeks and 2 days of wondering, we have our answer.

I wish I had better news.  

The boy's package for recruiting has officially been denied.  We expected it, after it was disapproved a few weeks back at step 3 of the process, but it doesn't mean it sucked any less to hear the actual answer.

I'm relieved that we have an answer- because the stress of not knowing and playing the "what if" game was getting exhausting.  (If I were the type of person who didn't eat when she was stressed, I probably would have lost a decent amount of weight in the last 5 months.  Instead.... I am a stress eater... and I am up a few pounds.  I am totally holding the Marine Corps responsible for that one!) 

On a positive-ish note, he does still have the option to extend until his 10 year mark (July 2013.)  All he has to do is sign a paper, and that is pretty much a done deal.  At this point though, I'm just so bitter... and drained... and emotionally exhausted.  Maybe we have given the Marine Corps all we have to offer... and really, what's the point of just putting off the inevitable? 

The boy does still have one more chance to stay in- he needs to be "selected" for Staff Sergeant.  But that is a very competitive, very long process.... and again, because of the drawdown, the number of people being selected is tiny.  (It is a heck of a lot more complicated than that- with zones, numbers, and all sorts of crap- but I barely understand it and won't bore you with too much jargon and acronyms.)  We will find out about that in September- actually, just about a month from now.

If he is selected, not only is he able to stay in until retirement, but he also can resubmit his package for recruiting.

I'm not counting on it though.  After all the disappointment we have already been handed this year, courtesy of the USMC, as far as I am concerned, as of July (if he does extend) we are done with the Marine Corps.  I know- I should try to stay positive, but I have stayed positive through a lot, and seem to still wind up in tears, with a pit in my stomach.  At this point, it is better for me (and my sanity) to convince myself of worst case scenario than continue to have hope.  That way I can be pleasantly surprised instead of terribly disappointed.... again.  

So... we are waiting again.  By our 5 year anniversary on October 6th, we should finally have a better idea of what the future holds.  Until then, we just have to wait and see.

A day in the park

 

(I started working on this post about a month ago already- and then life got in the way!)

Last week, I was supervising the installation of bricks for the Foundation's engraved brick program.  

 

We are working on a new section of trails, and for the second time since these new trail markers were installed, I couldn't help but stand there and stare.

 

A new trail marker in Semper Fidelis Memorial Park

For about 3 years of my life (in seven month increments), whenever I heard Anbar Province, Fallujah, Ramadi, or Rutbah mentioned in the news or in a conversation, it would make my heart stop and my stomach turn.  (I don't know Afghanistan nearly as well, and honestly, I never really bothered to learn many names.)  To this day, whenever I hear or see the names of these places in Iraq, it brings back a flood of memories- worry, tears, frustration, and confusion. It also of course reminds me of how much I have learned in the last 9 years... and just how much a person can handle. 

When I found out that the new trail segments in the park were going to be named for different battles or conflicts that the Marine Corps has been involved in, I thought it was pretty cool.  I didn't really realize that battles and conflicts would be places that I know, and periods of time that I've lived through.  These places that are just names to some are places where my husband and our friends lived for months at a time.  It is where they fought and defended our freedom, and where too many died protecting our freedom.  It's a very strange thing when all of a sudden you realize that your history- at least the last 9 years- is forever interwoven with the history of the Marine Corps... for that matter, the history of our country.

I am over at the museum a lot.  I see a lot of veterans walking around with their families and friends- sharing with them what they experienced in World War II, Korea, and Vietnam.  It surprises me every time I realize that someday, that will be us.  We will be sharing history as we know it with our families and friends.

Waiting games

And so we wait.

And wait.

And then hurry up and wait.  

Lots of things are still in a holding pattern- no decisions can truly be made until we get word from HQMC to let us know if his package for recruiting really is completely denied.  (There is a chance that HQMC will tell us it is approved- but it is a teeny chance that we are not counting on.)

It is frustrating and exhausting, but at least once the decision comes down, we can (well mostly he can!) jump into action and do what needs to be done.  We are hoping that the boy will be given the chance to extend until his 10 year mark- which is July of 2013.  That would at least give us some more time to get our acts together and have a little bit of a smoother transition out of the Marine Corps.  

I'm still holding out hope that we will get to stay in.  I'm hoping that everything works out- that he will be approved to go recruiting, he will be promoted, and perhaps I will get that road trip to California... with 2 cats and a dog in tow of course. 

I know that's probably a lot of wishful thinking... but a girl can dream.  I'm remaining cautiously optimistic at this point.  It's been a rough year... so I'm hoping that something will go our way.

Regardless of the outcome though, I know that everything happens for a reason, and that everything will work out exactly how it is supposed to.

Until that time comes, we wait.  

Have I mentioned lately how impatient I am?!

What a week.

I have never been so happy to put a week behind me.  

This past Tuesday, we found out that the boy's package to extend in the Marine Corps to go recruiting was not being recommended for approval.  


Essentially, that means that as of October 6th, we are done with the Marine Corps. Unless he decides to deploy again (number 5 if you are keeping track)- which is something neither one of us is really ready for again.  

Finished- end of story.  

To say we were disappointed was definitely an understatement.  Devastated would really probably be a better word.  


My biggest concern was for the boy- he has only ever wanted to be a Marine.  And, in my opinion at least, he is a pretty darn good Marine.  To find out that that was all being taken away from him really hurt... and frustrated me.


After the devastation went away... a bit.... the panic started to set in.  The reality of no more Marine Corps.  The realization of how much we were really losing in this situation.  


Obviously, the first would be stability- guaranteed paycheck and benefits.  Gone.


Then the random things started flying through my head- he and I are both still residents of PA- the military allows us to retain residency in our home state- our cars and insurance are still PA.  I started crying when I realized that I would have to be a resident of Virginia.  I don't want to be a resident of Virginia!


Then the really silly things- no more dressing up once a year for the birthday ball, no more pictures of the boy in his dress blues for random events.... no more moving every 3 years... No chance of a road trip while PCSing across the country...no possible chance of living in California with a view of the ocean from my windows... just gone.  All of it yanked away with one signature by one person at HQMC who doesn't even know what a fantastic Marine my husband is.  


Every time I thought of something else we would be losing, or giving up... it started a new round of hysterics and panic.  (The hysterics and panic and anger were a bit worse when I realized that this is the second time the Marine Corps has taken away my hopes of going back to State College and being close to friends and family again.)



Yes, I know we have options.  Yes I know everything will work out.  I know everything happens for a reason.  I understand why the numbers across the Marine Corps are being cut and why we are being downsized.  But it sucks when you thought everything was figured out and everything was as stable as it could be for having the military a part of your life.  And it sucks when all of that is snatched away and you are stuck, for a few minutes at least, playing the what if game.  


We got some better news yesterday though, thanks to someone who was actually doing his job as a career planner.  There's a chance that we might still have a future in the Marine Corps... but it would mean more time apart in the immediate future.  We will sit down and talk and weigh our options this weekend.  While I hate the thought of pushing into a third year of living apart... we ultimately need to look to the future and see what we need to do to get to where we want to be.  


At the very least, this past week has taught me that unfortunately, the military isn't a guarantee anymore... for anybody.  We need to be much more prepared than we were (are!) for all of it being taken away.  I need to stay on top of things- and make a list of all the "guarantees" we have in the military.  That way if this situation comes up again, I will be better prepared and not instantly enter into a state of shock and panic.  I will be able to react- and just get things done.  


9 years in... and I am still learning.  This might be the most important lesson the Marine Corps has taught me.  For the next few weeks, I will be hoping for the best, but expecting... and preparing... for the worst.


Stay tuned!

9 lessons in 9 years

Today, July 7th, marks 9 years that Randy has been in the Marine Corps. 

I have been thinking a lot today about how different things would have been if the military was not a part of my life.  After 9 years, I am sure that the Marine Corps has taught me nine thousand things... but that would kinda be boring to read after a while. 

So, in no particular order, 9 lessons the Marine Corps has taught me:

1.  Always have a plan.  And then 3 back up plans.

     When we got orders 3 years ago, they were to 29 Palms.  So I planned for a move there, even though I hated the thought of having to move.  Then, about 3 weeks later, our orders switched to Camp Pendleton.  So I planned for a move there.  Then, about a week after that, we had orders back to Camp Lejeune.  So in a period of about a month, I had planned moves to all three main Marine Corps bases in the US.  Each plan had a couple scenarios- just because you never know!

2.  Semper Gumby

     This kinda goes with the first one- Always Flexible! Things will never work out in the simplest, most straightforward way.  This is the Marine Corps after all.  You just have to know that everything will eventually work out.  Until then, just sit back, relax, and go with the flow.  Everything will eventually work out.  (This is about the only thing keeping me sane right now during our big fat waiting game.  I know eventually things will be ok.  It might not be how we thought, but it will all be ok.)

 3.  I am way stronger than I ever thought I could be.

     Deployments have taught me that. You just keep going- it doesn't matter how much things suck, you CAN and WILL do it.  When your husband is deployed, giving up (at least for me) is not an option.  It just isn't.  So you just need to put on your big girl panties and realize that this too shall pass.  And when it does pass- you will realize that you can do anything... even the stuff you thought you could never do, or wanted to do!

4.  Bloom where you are planted.

     A very wise retired Marine Corps wife told me that once, and it has stuck with me.  You will succeed wherever you are, you just need to believe that you can.  When you are handed orders to all sorts of strange locations, it is terrifying.  But then you remember that you will only ever be in one place for a few years, and you just need to make the best of it, and make an impact in the best way you know how.  Get involved, make friends, and make the best of it.  If we had gone to 29 Palms, I would have been terrified, but I eventually would have gotten over it, and made the best of it. 

5.  The brand new language of acronyms!

     BAH, BAS, PCS, TDY, MARSOC, MEU, MEF.....  There are times when I am pretty sure my family and (civilian) friends think I am speaking in some sort of secret code.  The Marine Corps has taught me the wonderful world of acronyms, and a super fun way to confuse the crap out of everyone outside the Marine Corps.  I have really loved learning about the Marine Corps, and all the quirky things that go along with it.  I am pretty sure I will never stop learning or asking questions... I just hope Randy is ready for that!

6. Distance isn't necessarily a bad thing

     It's the truth.  Seriously.  After almost 2 years of Randy being a geo-bachelor, I really think that our relationship is stronger than it has ever been.  We are forced to communicate- which is not a bad thing at all.  We talk a few times over the course of the day- and are careful to not dwell on the bad, negative, and insignificant things.  It's kinda like those 30 minute, once a week deployment calls.  It's pointless to tell him about some silly thing that upset me.  We also bicker a lot less.  When you only see each other for 3 days a week, it's pointless to waste that valuable time on silly stuff.  Obviously, I would rather live with my husband like normal people, but I don't think it's a bad thing- especially for a guy who didn't really like to communicate well- it has forced him to learn how to!

7. It never gets easier- you just know more.

     I have had many conversations with many different people.  I have now done deployments as a friend, girlfriend, fiancee, and finally as a wife.  It never gets easier.  You just learn how to deal with it, and you learn that it's only as bad as you let it be.  I have learned that deployments are "easier" when I am busy and have lots going on, and when I am not sitting around feeling sorry for myself.  It can ALWAYS be worse.  Deployments are bad for me- but they are worse- at least in my perspective- for my friends that have children.  As bad as you think you have it, there is someone that always has it worse.  Yes, the boy and I are not living together right now, but we see each other practically every weekend.  There are some geo-bachelors that probably go months without seeing their families.  It can always be worse!

8. Friends are like family.

     I truly cannot imagine what my life would be like if it didn't have my Marine Corps friends in it.  I have been so blessed with meeting such awesome friends- who are now family.  I have probably met people from every single state.  People that are different from me, have a different perspective than I do, and challenge my opinions and beliefs... in a respectful way of course!  I hope that every single one of them know how grateful I am for all that they have taught me.  My Marine Corps family is amazing and I certainly wouldn't be who I am today if it weren't for those people. 

9. There is no good way for your boyfriend/fiance/husband to tell you he is deploying.

     There just isn't.  You always end up feeling like someone has ripped your heart out and punched you in the gut.  I have been told over the phone, found out in a roomful of strangers, and have totally been prepared for it.... but it still sucked to hear concrete dates.  But as much as it sucks to hear it, I can't even imagine how it feels to be the one delivering that news, and knowing what it will do to me.  Regardless, it usually ends up with me in tears, with a large bottle of wine!


And- as a bonus- and to end on a happy note:

10. There is nothing more rewarding and amazing than Homecoming.

     There is nothing better than Homecoming.  It doesn't even have to be your own.  It is hands down the best part about the Marine Corps life- and something I wouldn't trade for anything.

photo by Amanda Courtney Photography

I have learned a lot in the last 9 years, but I know that the Marine Corps has so much more to teach me.  I hope that the Marine Corps sees fit to let us stick around until retirement. I know that Randy and I have a lot more to learn- and a lot more to give back!

Raise Awareness

June is PTSD Awareness Month.  June 27th is PTSD Awareness Day.

 

Just over 2 years ago, Randy took his leave of absence.   It's not something that either one of us planned to happen- it just kind of did.  But we have moved on and grown and learned from that experience.  We now have the tools we need to conquer whatever obstacle we might come across- whether it is PTSD or another battle that the Marine Corps sees fit to throw at us.

I don't know if PTSD will ever really go away for us- in reality, I am pretty confident in saying that it will always be there.  There are plenty of Vietnam vets who are just now able to come to terms with what they saw and did while they were serving.  It will probably pop up when we least expect it, when we finally think that it is in the past.  But I do know that regardless of what happens, we are now better equipped to deal with whatever comes our way. 

I've been pretty vocal about this issue and how it affects my life. It is important for me to continue to be an advocate for not only myself, but my husband.  While I am nowhere near any sort of professional on this matter, I do have experience with it first hand.  I understand what it means to live with someone who reacts to things that don't bother other people.  I know what it's like to wake up in the middle of the night and have him searching for his K-bar, because he was dreaming he was back in Iraq.  The other night when I had a bad dream, I was so thankful that he wasn't there- because I honestly don't know what his reaction to my screaming would have been.  

I will continue to talk about my experiences- and I hope that I might be helping another spouse- who might not understand what the flashbacks, nightmares, and weird quirky things might mean.  In turn, I hope that that spouse is able to help their servicemember get the help that they might need- even if it's as simple as just talking to each other. 

Some resources and information:

VA's National Center for PTSD

Afterdeployment.org  

Memorial Day

 Today is Memorial Day.

While you are enjoying time with family and friends, please take a minute to remember what today is about.  


Today is a day to remember those that have sacrificed everything in defense of our freedom.  


If it were not for their sacrifice, and the sacrifices of their families, we would not be able to live as we do today.  


So while you are celebrating, take a minute to honor those that have given their all- for us.

"The bravest are surely those who have the clearest vision of what is before them, glory and danger alike, and yet notwithstanding, go out to meet it."   -Thucydides