This is hard.

Deployment Day number 5 is way too close for comfort.  Right now, the number of days we have left before d-day can be counted on less than 2 hands.  And I hate it.  I also hate just about everyone and everything too right now, so I apologize to those that might be catching the brunt of my bad attitude.  

It's hard to remain cheerful and try to appreciate what people are saying.  I do appreciate the kind words... but there's not really anything that can make me feel better right now.  I know that it will get better... I get to that point each and every time, but right now, I am bitter and angry. (And not so secretly hoping this sequester will cancel the deployment altogether. [I also know that is wishful thinking.])

I have cried to the point where I have bruises under my eyes... to go along with the fabulous dark circles from lack of sleep.  I'm wishing that we would have gotten out of the Marine Corps in October... I am wishing that he never joined the Marine Corps period.

This is HARD.  There is no easy way around it.  I keep reminding myself that this is not a combat deployment, but at the moment it honestly doesn't make me feel better.  I might not worry about my husband for every waking second for the next 8 months, but I sure as hell am going to miss him.  I hate knowing that I am going to have to watch him say goodbye to the "kids", and that none of them are really going to understand where he's going.  I know that Mocha will pace and whine and cry because she sees Daddy's truck, but doesn't see Daddy.  And that will absolutely break my heart.  

Right now, 8 months seems like a lifetime, and it hurts to think that I really have to spend that much time away from my husband.  I'm having a really hard time at the moment finding the good, the positive, and the light at the end of the tunnel.  I'm hoping that by this time next week, I will be feeling a bit more optimistic and ready to conquer whatever deployment number 5 will throw at me, whether it is sink monsters or surgery for the dog.

It will get better, and before I know it, 8 months will be 7... and I can do 7 months in my sleep. 

The In Between

Ugh.  I think this is my least favorite part about the deployment cycle... the weird limbo in between thing we are experiencing right now.

Randy got back yesterday after a month long training.  We have a handful of weeks left until he is gone for 8 months.

And it sucks.

I am at the point where I just want him gone already- because any military wife will tell you- the sooner they leave, the sooner they get back home.  I am, at this point, desperate to start the countdown.  I am sick of this looming sense of doom... because that is what I am dealing with now.

I want to be happy that my husband is home, and we get to spend a long weekend together, but at the same time... I'm afraid to allow myself to get too comfortable in having him home again- because I know it is short lived.  I know that in just a few weeks, I am on my own again for the long haul.  

It's hard to balance preparing myself for deployment, and enjoying the last few days I have left with my guy.  It's just a sucky feeling.  

I used to intentionally pick fights with him, and distance myself from him... because somehow in my mind, that would make it easier when he actually left if I was mad at him for whatever stupid thing I had created in my head.  I've learned that that's not really the best way to handle things, and I make an effort to NOT do that- and just do my very best to enjoy the time we have given.  

The pit in my stomach is there- although I don't think it's as big as it usually is at this point before he leaves.  It makes a huge difference knowing that this is not a combat deployment (at least not yet.)  I actually had a twinge of jealousy the other day when he was rattling off the list of places he will be going- that is definitely something new in relation to deployments.  

Some of these feelings are definitely new- but the suck factor is still the same.  I still have to say see you later, and I still have to get in my car and drive home to an empty house.  I'll allow myself to wallow in self-pity for a day or so, then I will snap myself out of it and move on with my life.   

Until that day comes though, I will try my hardest to make the best of the in between... and I will remember that each day- good, bad, indifferent- will bring me closer to the big goal- homecoming.

Deployment Goals 2013

Well, it's time.

Well, almost.

I saw a movie commercial on TV tonight, and I got really angry when I realized how close we are getting to D-day.  But there isn't a single thing I can do to stop the clock... which for us is both a good thing and a bad thing.  

Believe me, I hate that my husband is leaving again, and that this deployment will be a little bit longer than the rest.  But I am also excited to tackle some new goals, and get myself (and the brat) back into a routine.  

So, here are my deployment goals for round 5:

1.  Save money.  
      
     I feel like this is always a big one for military families during deployments.  We have some pretty specific savings goals this time around- namely a motorcycle for the boy, a cruise to celebrate for us, and just padding our savings a bit.  We will also be coming up on a PCS move soon after he gets home, so that means a bit of job insecurity for me. We are also going to be done paying for the truck in the spring as well, so we will be able to be car payment free- I am ridiculously excited about that.  (I don't recommend to ANYONE getting 2 brand new cars within a year of each other.  Not our smartest move!)

2. Lose weight.
     This is also another typical one for us military wives.  I'm pretty good at losing the weight while the boy is gone- not totally sure why... but I always manage to gain it all back when he gets home.  So my goal is to not only lose weight (I'm aiming for about 20lbs) but to keep it off once he gets home.

3. Have something to look forward to each month.
      Woo!! Travel! A girl's best friend during deployment.  This will be my way of staying busy- and making time pass as quickly as possible.  I am already planning on heading home for Easter, so that takes care of March, and then I will be heading to California in April or May... I haven't quite decided yet.  I'm trying to plan out as far in advance as I can.  I am a planner after all.  It helps when I see everything written out- I like having full weekends with stuff to do and look forward to.  It also gives me something to write to the boy about. So, if anyone would like a visitor, or needs someone to visit in the DC area... give me a shout!

4. Stay positive.
     
     This one might be hard.  Because deployments are hard.  They, unfortunately, don't get easier.  Distance sucks- but I will try my best to focus on the positive and remember that it could always be worse.  It could definitely be worse- this one is not a combat deployment! (yet!) Yay!

5.  Get into a routine again.

     I am a creature of habit, and I have been completely off my game the last few weeks.  Strangely enough, I think I am just ready for this deployment to start, so I can get into the swing of things and just DO THIS.  I am already sick of the waiting game... waiting for him to come home for a little bit longer, only to turn around again and leave for good.  No fun at all.  I need to get myself into a routine- getting up, working out/walking the dog, going to work, etc.  I'll get there... in a few more weeks.

So there they are.  Deployment Goals 2013.  I'm pretty confident that I will be successful... I've done it before, and I plan on kicking ass!

  
       

A Weekend Away

Just like last deployment, one of my goals is to have one fun thing to look forward to each month.  It doesn't matter how small (like a pedicure), or how big (a week long trip to Cali)- I am going to stay busy!

Even though the boy is only away training, I still wanted to do my best to keep busy while he was away.  Lucky for me, one of my closest and oldest friends is pregnant with twins- so  I got to head home this past weekend for her baby shower.  

Now, for those that know me- bridal showers and baby showers don't necessarily rank very high on my list of favorite things.  But when it means that I get to see some of my favorite ladies... I am all about it.

 It was so wonderful to be able to spend even a little bit of time with my "sisters".  We don't get to see each other as often as I would like, and I miss them terribly.  I was reminded again though what an amazing support system I have- each of these ladies has a LOT on their plate- but they were quick to ask how I was doing, and how the boy was doing.  I can't tell you how much that meant to me.


I also got to show off my crafty side... I made some diaper cakes for the shower.  (I'm really quite proud of how these turned out- I surprised myself!)

 My favorite part of the weekend though was getting to spend time with my sister and my sweet little niece.  Emma is 8 weeks old now, and she's already changed so much since I saw her at Christmas.  I was happy (for selfish reasons) that my sister and niece were at home all weekend.  It's rare that I get to spend that much time with my sister- and when we were getting ready for the shower, I felt like I was in high school again, as she was bugging me to borrow my makeup and some random hair products I brought with me. It was actually pretty fun!

I got to snuggle a lot with this little lady:

 
And I loved every second of it.  Having Emma around now definitely makes it harder to leave PA.... I wish I was much much closer to home so I could see her every day.  (I'm secretly still hoping for orders close to home once this deployment is behind us.)

So, Mission Stay Busy was a success for the month of training.  Stay tuned for more deployment adventures.... anybody want to come visit?? I make a GREAT tour guide!! :)

Murphy's Law- Marine Corps style!

Murphy's Law- anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.

Military Wives Murphy's Law- anything that can go wrong will only go wrong the second he leaves for training, or deployment, or is completely unreachable by conventional means of communication.

It is bound to happen.

And honestly, after almost 9 years in the Marine Corps lifestyle, I pretty much expect it.
 
Sometimes, it is something major, like a dog needing surgery.

Sometimes it is completely ridiculous, like a sink monster jumping out from underneath the coffee cup in the sink.  

But it will always be something that you know wouldn't have happened if your husband were home.  

Which is exactly what I was thinking Saturday night.

I am pretty sure that if the boy had not been floating around somewhere of the coast of VA, then I probably wouldn't have had to take a fun filled trip to the ER.

Each time that Military Wives Murphy's Law sneaks up on me, I am reminded of something  very important:

I can handle it.

If it is thrown in my face, knocks me off balance, catches me off guard- it doesn't really matter.  I can handle it.

So, when stomach pains were keeping me awake and very uncomfortable at 3 am, I knew I could and would handle it.  I hopped in the car, and checked myself in.  I felt a little bit sorry for myself- but that was my own fault.  I was yelled at by just about all of my co-workers on Monday morning when they found out I was there by myself.  I was reminded (again, because I am stubborn) that it is ok to ask for help, and it is ok to call people at 3 am if you are in the emergency room.

The moral of the story: Something is bound to go wrong.  And it will seem like the end of the world, because I know that it would be so much easier if my level-headed husband were home.  But he isn't- and that's not anybody's fault.  He is doing his job, and I must do mine.  My job is to take care of it- and handle it.

Saturday night was just a reminder of Murphy's Law- and I handled it!

Dear Deployment: You still suck!

Yesterday I got my hair cut.  

Sounds like a simple, straightforward, relaxing way to spend a Saturday right?

It was... until those pesky deployment demons snuck up right at the end and kicked me in the gut.  

I was asked to schedule my next appointment... and the date they gave me was one measly week before the boy leaves.

Hearing that... and coming to the realization that the number of weeks that stand between me and deployment number 5 can be counted on 2 hands sent me right into meltdown mode.  I did, thankfully, manage to make it out of the salon and into my car before I lost it.

UGH. 

The thing is, I knew they were going to ask that question, and I knew what the date would be.  But to actually hear that out loud was a huge reality check, and I did not like it one bit.  

It turns out, my heart has yet to realize there is a difference between this deployment and the last 4.  This one so far is a non-combat deployment, so the realities are a lot different.  My head has realized this... but I am not sure at what point the hurt will be different.... and I really don't think it will.  

My husband will still be leaving for 8 plus months.  

We will still be apart.

I still have to stand there and watch him get on a bus and drive away from me.

I still have to keep everything going on my own.

I am still going to have to find ways to make the time pass as quickly as possible.

The only difference I've found is that this time I might actually be a bit jealous of some of the locations the boy gets to visit.  (That is obviously something new- I can safely say I've never been jealous of the time he spent in Iraq or Afghanistan.)

Bottom line is, deployments still suck, regardless of the combat or non-combat nature.  As much as I keep trying to put on my big girl panties, it still hurts knowing that I only have a handful of weeks left before he is gone for good.  And for more than half of those weeks, he will be away training.  Which sucks even more.  

But- it is what it is.  It's my turn- and we all have to take a turn.  This too shall pass... and hopefully soon after he comes in the fall, we will be on our way somewhere new... together.  

And that will make it all worth it. 

Promotion Day!

On January 1st, the boy officially became a Staff Sergeant.

But it wasn't officially official until he pinned on on January 7th.

And then it wasn't officially officially official until it updated on his online records... then when he changed it in his email signature... then when I called him on his office phone to hear him say his new rank... however many different ways you say it, it is official!

Needless to say, we are both thrilled with this promotion.  It of course means new challenges and new responsibilities for both of us, but it is something we are both ready to take on.  It also means that the boy is guaranteed to stay in until retirement now, which is a huge relief for both of us.  

It does also mean another deployment... which is fine.  (More on that another day.)

I don't really know if I can really put into words how proud I am of my husband.... and how proud I am of us really.  This is something that I honestly feel like we both earned together.  (That sounds like I am one of THOSE wives... that wear their husband's rank... I promise I am not!)  I could care less about what the rank is- but this was a long time coming, and it took a lot of sacrifice and dedication on both of our parts.  There were plenty of days that the boy just felt like giving up on all things Marine Corps- and it was me convincing him that what he was doing was worth it... and important.  And then there were the other 360 days that I absolutely hated all things Marine Corps- but was reminded how much HE loves the Marine Corps... and that changed my tune.

I've come to the realization that I won't ever get to have a conventional "career", and I probably won't ever work at a job long enough to retire.  That's why I throw myself so much into all things Marine Corps- because here in another 10-ish years, the boy will retire, and with that, we will both close a huge chapter in our lives.  This, when it really comes down to it, is my career- my choice- too.  And I am okay with that.

The new SSgt has now accomplished MORE than he ever thought he would in the Marine Corps.  The best part is- he's only halfway through.  Who knows what this guy will accomplish next- but I know he will do great things, and be a fantastic leader!!  

Congrats babe! I am so very very proud of you!!!