Reinvention

Definition of REINVENT

transitive verb

1: to make as if for the first time something already invented <reinvent the wheel>

 

2: to remake or redo completely 

 

3: to bring into use again 

 

4: what a miltary wife must do when arriving at a new duty station

 

That's what I'm in the process of doing now.  Trying to figure out (again!) what I want to be when I grow up.  

 

It's frustrating enough- but even more frustrating in a place like Jacksonville, North Carolina.  I really love it there.  I do.  But it's not exactly land of 1,000 jobs.  What makes it even more frustrating is that I have a job.  A job that I actually like quite a bit, and has proved to be a great opportunity for me here in Virginia.  

 

What frustrates me even more is that my degrees don't exactly translate into a specific job.  I have a degree in Political Science, and in Journalism.  I wonder if things would be different if I had gotten a degree in something useful- something that actually translated directly into a specific job.  Oh, if only I could go back in time....

 

So on top of finishing up a deployment here soon, we will also be in the process of figuring out what's next.  I have been shocked at how much the boy has talked about getting out of the Marine Corps.  I keep trying to tell him now is not a good time to make any decisions- seriously, who can make a rational decision while in Afghanistan thousands of miles away from home? Of course he hates the Marine Corps and everything that goes along with that!

 

I'm starting to feel a little bit overwhelmed though, and a little bit uncertain.  I don't know what's next, and I can't see beyond homecoming right now.  The following things are weighing heavily on my mind:

 

-Should we get out of the Marine Corps?

-I am a terrible wife for not moving down to Jacksonville and having a house ready for Randy.

-What will I do for a job when/if I move?

-Can I really stomach the thought of another year of voluntary distance from my husband?

-Who in their right mind even thinks its ok to consider another year apart?

-Are they effing serious?! Another deployment?!

-Have I made one right decision to date? Where's the do-over button??

-I feel guilty because Randy won't have a place to go when he gets home.

-Am I letting people (my parents!) down because I haven't gotten the greatest jobs? Are they disappointed that they spent so much money on my college education and there have been too many days since I graduated that I feel like I'm not even using those overrated pieces of paper?

Yes, I know that most, if not all those things on the list are just me being overly emotional, and completely irrational. (Ah, deployments!)

But I just don't know.  And that is scaring the crap out of me.  Plus, it's not like I can even talk to Randy about any of this stuff.  Right now, it's just not important, and it's just going to have to wait a few more weeks.  

I guess I just thought by now things would be clearer and easier and simpler.  But I guess that's just my Pollyanna way of thinking and always hoping for the best.  I know everything will work out exactly how it's supposed to- and I have faith that it will.  It's just a little bit hard right now to see through the clouds and the distance and all the other crap hanging in the way.  

So until it all works out exactly the way it's supposed to, if anyone has a fabulous job opportunity for me in Jacksonville, North Carolina.... send it my way! ;)

 

 

Nerves, Jitters, Anxiety...

Call it what you will, the pre-homecoming whatever is already starting to get to me. 

Every time I even THINK about homecoming, I get butterflies.  I am so excited, and cannot wait to see Randy again.  Then the panic hits me- will I even be able to FIND him??   But then I remind myself that I recognized him from this picture:

So chances are I will be able to find him.  I hope.

*Sidenote and true story- in 2005 I started to have dreams that I wasn't going to be able to find the boy when he got off the bus.  Homecoming is chaos.  About 10 charter buses pull up, and out pours hundreds of marines all wearing the exact same thing- and of course they all wear the same damn sunglasses too!  There are probably thousands of family members standing around in a teeny parking lot- and everyone is trying to find who they belong to.  Well, my dream came true.  I could not find Randy.  I stood there practically in tears- and was looking so far that I didn't even realize he was walking right up to me and standing in front of me.  So now I leave it up to him to find me- because based on what he's told me, he's spotted me each time before the buses are even in the parking lot.  Anyway..... 

Then I get nervous-will I look okay? Will he look okay? Will we be okay??    Then the stress starts- and I start wondering what new battles and demons we will be facing in a few months, or years- if last time was any indication.

So here's how we handle what the Marine Corps refers to as "Return and Reunion".  Well, at least that's what they called it 4 years ago! (Please note, this is just based on my perspective and experience with my Marine- everyone handles deployments differently- so you just need to take it day by day and see how it goes.)

~I've already given most of our family and friends the stupid question speech.  Stupid questions include, but are not limited to, any and all versions of the following:

     

     -Did you kill anyone?

     -Were you scared?

     -What's it like to shoot someone?

     -How did you get a Purple Heart? (this one really only applies in conversations about the first deployment)

     -Did you miss your family?

I think you can kinda see where I am going here.  Randy has, unfortunately, been asked all of the above way too many times.  And when I am around and these questions are asked, please do not be offended if I slap you upside your head.  It is important for these guys to know that they CAN talk to us- but it needs to be on their terms and when they are ready- not when some long lost relative decides they need to know everything now. 

~One of the first things I tell Randy when I actually get to see him is that I will always listen to whatever he wants and needs to tell me.  I am constantly reminding him of this.  It is important for him to know that I am here if he needs to talk.  There are some things I will never know about his time spent at war- and I am okay with that.  But, if the time comes and he does want to tell me- I am more than willing to listen. 

~I expect the unexpected.  Right after Randy returned home in 2004, we were at a mutual friends' wedding reception.  A little kid had gotten hold of a balloon, and popped said balloon.  Randy dropped faster than anything I have ever seen- because that sound of the balloon popping immediately took him back to Iraq- where he was being shot at and things were exploding constantly.  I remember just standing there staring at him- and wondering what the heck had just happened.  There was also a time he woke me up looking for his rifle or K-bar, I can't remember which.  But again, something instantly sent him back to Iraq, and he woke up believing he was there.  

~I ask what he wants to do.  Does he really want to run and see every single family member and friend we have?  Yes they all want to see him- but that is overwhelming for anybody, let alone someone returning from combat.  That's why this time we are having one party at my parents house.  That way everyone will have a chance to see Randy, but will save him from a lot of unnecessary stress and exhaustion.  

~We don't play the "Who Had It Worse" Game.  We both accept the fact that we each had our own sucky experiences and things we had to deal with while we were apart.  We talk about it- but understand that it sucked equally for each of us, obviously in different ways.  While he didn't have to nurse the dog back to health after leg surgery, he did have to be away from us while it all was happening.  Deployments suck for everyone equally, and that's all there is to it.

Here are some helpful things to read for more information:

Return and Reunion- USMC (I just love that this is from 2003....but it's still helpful!)

Real Warriors After Deployment

Military OneSource

http://supportyourvet.org/

Afterdeployment.org

http://www.operationptsd.com/

I can tell you one thing- there were not nearly this many resources and websites available to us 4 years ago.  There is so much information out there- and there are always people to help!

Road Trip!

This weekend was BUSY.  (So busy that I ran myself ragged and caught a cold, but that's another story.)

In my efforts to distract myself during the deployment, this past weekend was my big travel weekend for July.  I was planning on heading home to PA, with stops in Bloomsburg for a baby shower for one of my oldest friends (old as in people I have known the longest- since we were almost 5!), and State College to visit some of our closest friends.   I knew it was going to be an exhausting weekend, so I planned to leave work early, so I could be home by dinnertime.  I wanted to have at least a little down time at home.

Turns out those pesky deployment gods had other plans for me.  

My route home has been the same since I moved to North Carolina 6 years ago.  95 North to 476 to the Northeast Extension of the PA Turnpike.  I've driven that route a LOT.  Never in the last 6 years have I had one problem once I hit the turnpike.  This time was different.

While I was on 476, I saw a sign announcing that the NE Ext was CLOSED. 

CLOSED?!?!

(Insert complete and utter panic mode/meltdown here) 

Anybody want to take bets on who I called??  Oh, you guessed it.  Daddy saves the day again!

He, with the help of my mom and 2 of the guys he works with, proceeded to reroute me through Philadelphia so I could make it home.   I was slightly less than thrilled that I had to drive through Philly, but the alternative of sitting in traffic and waiting for the Turnpike to reopen was even less appealing.

So off I went.

Temple University.  My sister went here for a few semesters, so thankfully I was slightly familiar with the area.

We go from city to country in about 20 miles.  This was along the Delaware River.

 
Needless to say, I arrived home well past dinner.  As stressful and as LONG as it was, I was happy to be home in one piece.  My usual 4-5 hour trip home took me 8 hours, thanks to 611 north.  I did get a phone call from Randy though while I was driving, so that was a welcome distraction, and he definitely had me cracking up and feeling slightly less sorry for myself by the time we hung up. 

When I got home, I pretty much walked into the looney bin.  My dad was holding a colander and a flashlight, and my mom was equipped with a headlamp and a laser pointer.  Apparently a toad had hopped into our garage, and being the animal lovers that we are, none of us could bear to see him perish.  So we went on a toad hunt. 

That bright yellow thing in my dad's hand is the colander.  I didn't help much, I mostly just drank my beer and took pictures.  It was definitely the laugh I needed after a ridiculous ride home!!

There is truly never a dull moment with my family.

I crashed early that night, and was up early the next morning for the next leg of my trip-  Caroline's baby shower.  I am still in shock that she is having a baby- but so excited for her and the entire family! I rode out to Bloomsburg with my sister, which was so nice, because we had a chance to chat and catch up.  It also made me realize (again!) how much I miss her! 

Me, Caroline, and Sara.  We have a picture of the 3 of us together from each of our bridal showers, weddings, and now baby showers.  These girls are some of my dearest friends, and they are like sisters to me!!

Straight from the shower I headed out to State College.  I am lucky that I still have some very close friends out there, and was happy to have a chance to see them.  It was so nice to just sit and relax and catch up on their deck.  The only thing missing was Randy- although I'm not sure we would have had a quiet, relaxing evening if he were there... ha! ;)

me and Sophia!

 Isn't Sophia the sweetest??? I just adore her, and love being able to spend some time with her.  

All in all, I traveled just under 800 miles this weekend.  But I would do it again in a second.  

I had such a great weekend, and got to see so many great friends- who again reminded me what a great support system I have when Randy is away.  

Oh! I almost forgot the best part- by the time this weekend was said and done, it was officially AUGUST- which means I can finally say I will see my guy NEXT month!!!  

5 months down!!!

Yep, its true! FIVE months BEHIND us!!!!!!!!!!

That's a WHOLE hand!!!!

That, my friends, is a BIG deal!!! 

This last month has been so emotionally exhausting.  Which, honestly, is not too much of a surprise to me.  The summer months of a deployment-for whatever reason- are always hard.  The days are longer, there seems to be more "action"- which results in more injuries, and more.... well, I don't even like to say it.  But this deployment has unfortunately kept in line with our past summer deployments.  So that has definitely made this last month harder.  Even harder than past deployments though, because we have so many close friends deployed right now- and to hear of things happening to friends of our friends- ugh.  It's just hard for everyone.

On top of that- there was all this nonsense with miss Mocha- but she is well on her way to a FULL recovery- in fact, she is recovering better than I had hoped.  At our 2 week post-op checkup, we got a wonderful report.  Dr. Farthing could hardly believe that it had only been 2 weeks since her surgery, because she is healing up so well, and already putting weight on her leg.  The incision is healing well- but she does still have a pretty sizable scar on her leg.  I guess she will never be a show dog! ;)  So hearing that good report definitely took some stress off of me, and I honestly didn't realize how much it had affected me until it wasn't there to bother me anymore.  I've been sleeping a lot better, and the day after that appointment, Randy called, and he commented that I sounded relieved.  Which I was! This dog drama has been ongoing since May 3rd- that's a long time with a pretty constant amount of stress on me.  BUT- it's all in the past now, and we made it through!

I think time is also starting to drag a little bit for Randy- which is hard and frustrating for me.  As much as I try to stay upbeat and positive, its hard when there's not much I can do to help the time pass for him over there.  We just have to take it one day at a time, and handle whatever is thrown at us.  

On a happier note- we are starting to hear rumors.  Great rumors really- of mail cutoff, of ADVON dates (ADVON is a group of about 100 Marines that come home 3-4 weeks before the rest of the unit to get stuff set up for everyone else), and hopefully within the next week, we will have solid post-deployment leave dates.  AND- on Friday Randy put some stuff in the mail.  When he starts sending stuff home- that REALLY means that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and I can start getting myself excited about Homecoming.   Pshhh.... who am I kidding?!  I've been excited about homecoming for about 3 months now! 

Looking forward, I am excited that the number of weekends I have to keep myself busy can now be counted on just 2 hands.  And I have a LOT to keep me busy!  I think there are only about 4 weekends that I don't have anything going on.  I need to go shopping soon though- for the elusive "perfect homecoming outfit!" I might need several weekends for that!!!

The girl that wouldn't change her name

Oh that's me. 

I'm "that girl".

The one who wouldn't change her name when she got married.

That's his name- not mine- and he is perfectly ok with that! ;)

 

After Randy and I got married I had to get myself all checked into the Marine Corps.  One of the (way too many) stops was the ID card center.  I filled out my paperwork, smiled and said cheese, and then signed my name.  The woman who was helping us gave me the funniest look.  I smiled- and she told me that she had been working in the ID center for 8 years- and she had NEVER come across a wife that did not change her name. 

I wasn't completely sure how to respond to that.  I didn't change my name because I just didn't want to.  I blame it partly on my stubborn streak, and partly on too many Women's Studies classes at Penn State.  

Randy and I talked a LOT about the whole "name change" thing.  The conversation went something like this:

Me- "But I don't wanna change my name, and I don't have to!"

Randy- "But that's what you're supposed to do!"

Me- "So then you change your name"

Randy-"But I don't wanna!"

Me- "Well, that's exactly my point!!!" 

I'm very lucky that my darling dearest isn't one of those ultra-macho, chest pounding, cave-man types.  Not that there's anything wrong with that- but let's be real.  I am just NOT that type of girl.  I am stubborn, independent, and sometimes way too opinionated to just do something because that's what I'm "supposed to do".

(That's another reason why I love that guy so much- he lets me be me- and is totally okay with that!) 

I've never really done much because I'm supposed to- I've only ever done what I want to. I've been ME for the last 29 years, and I am perfectly happy with it.  It's my name... it's who I am... and I like who I am.

Maybe eventually I will do the whole name change thing- a lot of people have asked what we are going to do when we have kids.  We haven't really gotten that far yet, but I'm confident that when we do get there, we'll make the right decision.  I've thought about hyphenating- so I can still keep "my" name. 

And don't worry- I won't get mad if you call me Meghan Williamson.  It's a decision that I have made for myself- and I won't snap at you and bite your head off if you call me what I'm supposed to be called. 

I might look behind me, trying to figure out who the heck you are talking to though! 

30 minutes

Quick!

What would you do if you only had 30 minutes- 

once a week, maybe less- 

to talk to your spouse, significant other, parent, sibling?

This is a challenge that Randy and I, as a military couple smack in the middle of a deployment, face every single day.  

He gets an opportunity to call once a week.  Sometimes it's more, sometimes it's less.  Each phone call is limited to 30 minutes, to give everyone a chance to call home.

When you only have 30 minutes, and a week or more's worth of crap to cram in, it makes you think pretty hard about what's actually important, what is meaningless, and what is straight up BS that doesn't matter anyway.  


Honestly, I think that's another good thing about deployments.  It gives you a chance to prioritize things, and think long and hard about what actually matters.  


Does it really matter that I got a 6 inch crack in my windshield when attempting to put on my new base stickers?  Probably not, because it was an easy fix that I could take care of with one phone call.


Does it really matter that I pre-ordered the Lion King Diamond Edition from the Disney Movie Club?  Yes actually, this does matter, because it's Randy's favorite Disney movie and I knew it would make him laugh.  

Does it really matter that someone I know made me crazy 2 weeks ago because I was being overly emotional and taking things too personally? Definitely not.

I have been reminded over the last few months that what I think in the moment is important is not necessarily what truly matters.  It turns out, the second my phone rings and I recognize that number as that stupid phone with the 3-second delay, none of it matters.  Not one single detail out of my very mundane everyday routine matters.  What matters is hearing his voice on the other end, and knowing that for another day he is good.  What matters is him knowing that I can handle it- whatever it is at the moment.  


I keep a list of things that I need to talk to Randy about, because sometimes, (who am I kidding- EVERY time) I am so excited to talk to him, I completely forget the list.  So I keep a post it note stuck to my phone until I hear from him.  On more than one occasion, I look at the list, and toss it aside.  


Because it just doesn't matter.  None of it is important.  


There are hundreds of things that will happen during this deployment that just don't rate being in my 30 minute phone call.  Maybe I will remember to write them down in a letter or 2 that I send, maybe I won't. (The letters usually are only the good things anyway- there's no point in him reading about something "bad" that happened 2 weeks ago- or longer!)


I think my point in the midst of this rambling is that I hope that once Randy comes home, I continue to stop and think about what actually matters.  I get mad and irritated about silly things, and take it out on him.  I hope that once he is home, I can better learn to control those things, and remember how precious each second is that I have with him, and have him in front of me.  


30 minutes once a week isn't a whole lot of time.  Somehow though, during a deployment, it just has to be enough.

Oh July....

I am OVER you already!

And it's only July 8th!!!

But wait- for once it's not because I am counting down until the end of deployment.  (Although that might be a teeny part of it...)

This month is already the most stressful month so far since my darling dearest left.  

This deployment- for the most part- has been smooth sailing.  

Except for one 85 pound thing. 

For some reason, I had myself convinced that this whole surgery thing would be cake.  I mean, how bad can it really be?

HA!!!

My mom was nice enough to come down to help me out.  Thankfully I had come to my senses and realized that, as stubborn as I am, and as much as I would LOVE to prove to myself that I can do ANYTHING..... it would probably be a good idea to have her here for help. 

After the surgery, my mom literally held my poor dog down in the backseat of my car, for the entire 2 hour trip home.  (Thanks VDOT for having construction on 95 north at 4:30 in the afternoon!) Mocha cried and whimpered and whined because she was just in so much pain.  When we got back home, we couldn't even get her out of my car.  Luckily, my wonderful neighbor came over and got her out for us.  I have no idea what we would have done if he weren't sitting on his porch!  We immediately put her in her crate and gave her the meds that were prescribed.  She cried and whine for another 2 hours, before finally falling asleep.

I was pretty much on the verge of a complete and utter meltdown.  I felt like the worst person in the world, and was confident the dog would hate me forever for doing this to her.  

Turns out that Thursday night was the worst of it.  By Friday afternoon, she was starting to perk up and eat a little bit here and there.  I thought that it would all be smooth sailing from there.

My mom left to go home to PA Wednesday when I left for work.  I should have known that military wives' Murphy's Law would kick in as soon as she left.  I really don't know why I was so surprised that everything went straight to hell.  I should have expected it really!

I got home from work, took the pup out, and noticed some blood coming out of her.  Seriously?!  So I called the vet who did the surgery, and she said that she was concerned, and suggested that I take her to our regular vet in the AM.  Well, there was NO way I was waiting until the morning to take her to the vet.  There was something wrong with her NOW, and so off to the emergency vet we went.

Now, please keep in mind, my dog is not supposed to be putting any sort of weight on her leg, or jumping and moving it suddenly.  I have an SUV.  I had to lift my dog into the car by myself.  I think sheer panic and adrenaline kicked in- because somehow I managed to do that-twice! 

We arrived at the emergency vet as soon as they opened.  The vet there explained that the painkiller she had been given can cause GI tract irritation, and bleeding, so that was what it was from.  I'm just so thankful that's all it was!  We were prescribed a 3rd antibiotic, and sent on our merry way.

Enter the longest night ever.  Since I was completely freaked out that something would happen to her in the middle of the night, I slept on the couch downstairs with her.  I was awake at 1am, 4am, 5:30am, and then finally at 6:30 when my alarm went off.  I have never heard such grumblings coming out of a dog's stomach. 

I can't complain much though.  She is already back to normal, and recovering quite well from her surgery.  So really, if this is the worst I have to deal with, I will take it.

At least things can only get better from here!!