Too Much Time to Think.

That was the story of my life this weekend.  

Too much time to think is a bad thing for a girl whose husband is deployed.  

Too much time to play the what if game... to miss him... to wonder what he's doing at that very second.

I guess I'm lucky though.  This is the first weekend I've not been very busy, which of course led to me thinking.

I tried to distract myself by reading a book.  I finished one, and started and finished a second.  I ran a ton of errands that have been piling up and I've been meaning to do for a while.  I took the dog for a walk (don't tell Dr. Farthing- Mocha is supposed to be "resting"- but again, she didn't get that memo!) I tried to get sucked into mindless TV- Hello Mob Wives.... but nothing could distract me and keep my mind busy.

I had all these weird emotions welling up too, but most of the time, I just kinda felt empty inside.  I felt lonely, jealous, sad, angry, envious, mad, discouraged... you name it, I'm pretty sure I felt it this weekend.  

Now, I don't want everyone to freak out and worry about me- because I am OK.  It's just been a weird couple weeks, with everything going on with the dog, and Osama bin Laden being killed, and just all these stupid, strange things that happened at once.  I also think I am overly emotional because I will be heading home to PA this weekend for the first time this deployment.  My first trip home since Christmas, and my first trip home without Randy.

I'm also just emotionally exhausted, and ready for this damn deployment to be over already.  We've had a lot of friends come home from their deployments in the last few weeks, and that's made it a little bit harder.  I am so incredibly happy for them, and for their families, but... blah.  It's just hard, and even harder to explain.  I just want that to be me already!!!

But- as I've learned, and as my wonderful friends have reminded me- this is just a blip.  A small bump in the road that I will get through.  

I am positive that I will feel better tomorrow, and I will be back on track and back to feeling that I can kick this deployment's ass.   

Military Spouse Appreciation Day

Today is a day that goes largely unrecognized, but has been around since 1984. 

It is Military Spouse Appreciation Day, a day to recognize the sacrifices and the commitment of all military spouses.  (Since we've always been in infantry units, I don't know any military husbands- but they are out there too!)

So, I will step up on my Marine Wife soapbox for just a minute.  (It's my day, I'm allowed! ;))

I have been a Marine Wife for about 3 and a half years now.  I have been involved with the military community for 7 years.  The strength, courage and commitment these women constantly show in the face of adversity is truly humbling.  From the highest of highs, to the lowest of lows, these women show such grace and dignity, and it is truly remarkable to me. 

We as spouses patiently wait for our husband's return, we become single parents when they are deployed.  We manage to push through the face of adversity, and come out better on the side because of it.  We can create a household at the drop of a hat, and lean hard on strangers, who in 2 weeks will be our best friend.  We must learn how to do it all on our own, but still know how to ask for help when we need it.

 Many people have told me that I am strong- but please know that I am only as strong as my fellow military wives allow me to be- and I am so lucky to be completely surrounded by some of the toughest and strongest women I know.  I am lucky to have their support through anything and everything, and I am blessed to have such amazing role models to turn to for guidance.

So, to my fellow military spouses, thank you.  Thank you for showing me what it really does mean to be strong.  Thank you for teaching me that when you reach the end of your rope, you just need to tie a knot and hold on.  Thank you for showing me that each sacrifice has a reward.  Thank you for showing me what it means to be "Semper Gumby" (Always Flexible!!)  And thank you for continuing to care about me and teach me a new lesson each and every day.

Presidential Proclamation--Military Spouse Appreciation Day

Military spouses serve as steady and supportive partners to the heroes in uniform who protect and defend our great Nation every day.  Across America and around the world, military spouses serve our country in their own special way, helping families and friends through the stress of a deployment, caring for our wounded warriors, and supporting each other when a loved one has made the ultimate sacrifice.
     
Our service members and their families seldom ask for support or recognition.  They carry out their duties to family and country with the quiet courage and strength that has always exemplified the American spirit.  On Military Spouse Appreciation Day, we have an opportunity to not only honor the husbands and wives of our service members, but also thank them by actively expressing our gratitude in both word and deed.
     
When a member of our Armed Forces is deployed, an entire family is called to serve.  The readiness of our troops depends on the readiness of our military families, as millions of parents, children, and loved ones sacrifice as well.  This means supporting our military spouses is also a national security imperative.  Earlier this year, my Administration released the report on military families, Strengthening our Military Families:  Meeting America's Commitment, which marshaled resources from across our Government to identify new opportunities to support these patriots.

     

First Lady Michelle Obama and Dr. Jill Biden are working tirelessly to enlist all sectors of American life to address the unique challenges of military families.  Their national initiative, "Joining Forces," mobilizes Americans to give our service members and their families the opportunities and support they have earned.  Americans can find service projects, send messages of thanks to military families, and learn more about this initiative by visiting:  www.JoiningForces.gov.

     
On Military Spouse Appreciation Day, let us join together to show our service members we are taking care of their families back home as they serve our Nation across the globe.  As neighbors, teachers, parents, and fellow citizens, we can reach out to military husbands and wives in our communities.  We can show our appreciation in countless ways, from offering to help with household maintenance and childcare to encouraging the community involvement and career development of military spouses.
     
It is through our actions that we show our commitment to our service members and their spouses.  By embracing military families, we demonstrate our partnership in the defense of our freedom and the security of the United States.
     
NOW, THEREFORE, I, BARACK OBAMA, President of the United States of America, by virtue of the authority vested in me by the Constitution and the laws of the United States, do hereby proclaim May 6, 2011, as Military Spouse Appreciation Day.  I call upon the people of the United States to honor military spouses with appropriate ceremonies and activities.
     
IN WITNESS WHEREOF, I have hereunto set my hand this fifth day of May, in the year of our Lord two thousand eleven, and of the Independence of the United States of America the two hundred and thirty-fifth.
          
BARACK OBAMA
(from http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2011/05/05/presidential-proclamation-military-spouse-appreciation-day)

Days like today...

....realllllly make me wish Randy was here.

That's Mocha- our brat.  And our baby.  Well, mostly Randy's baby.  (She loves me only when he isn't around.)  I give her a lot of credit for helping him through his PTSD issues last year- I'm betting she knows more about his deployments than I do.

This dog, for some crazy reason, has become my world with Randy being gone.

I'm not exactly sure when that happened, but I'm pouring a lot more time and energy into her because Randy isn't here, and because she's my responsibility... and because besides me, Randy loves her bestest haha.  

Which is why I freak out about the smallest thing going wrong with her- and why I am freaking out today.  I got a phone call about 10 this morning from daycare.  (Yes, she goes to daycare, laugh all you want!) She had played pretty hard with her puppy friends all morning, and now wasn't putting any weight on her back leg.  I told them I would come pick her up and take her to the vet.  

We got to the vet, and were seen by a newbie, whom I like to refer to as Doogie Howser.  What he told me sent me slightly over the edge, and I did cry a little bit, but I managed to keep it together.  Apparently my dog had blown out her knee, and/or torn a ligament.  I can't be completely sure which- because he kept using all these smart person big boy vet words.  He gave me the name of a specialized surgeon, who I needed to call and schedule an appointment.  When I called, the surgery would be $3500.  For a dog.  UGH!!!!

Now onto my meltdown.  (This is only my second for this deployment- so I am averaging about one a month- not too shabby!)

I am completely beating myself up over this because I am responsible for her, and I am responsible for her being hurt.  I know its completely irrational, but its how I feel.  I take one look at her and start crying- because she's such a good dog and would never let me know that she is in any sort of pain.  She just kinda hangs out, and looks at me while I sob, and licks the tears off my face.  She's walking around- just not putting any weight on her back leg, but she just breaks my heart.  I want to be able to help her- but I just can't.  

So this time, my mommy got the brunt of my meltdown.  I really am not sure what I would do without my parents!!!  She told me to call Doogie tomorrow, and ask him all the questions I am just now thinking of, maybe get a second opinion, and shop around to see if I can get this surgery done for cheaper.  She also volunteered to come down and pup-sit after Mocha does have the surgery, if it comes to that.  Based on what I've read, the recovery is 12 weeks.  

Today was just another one of those days that I realllly, realllly, selfishly wish Randy were here.  If he were, he would completely take over and figure this out for me, because really, I am not good when the crisis is happening to me.  And he knows that about me, and loves me despite that... ha!  I really wish that I wasn't waiting another week for a phone call, and that I could just pick up a phone or shoot him an email and know I would get a response.  

Blah.  

Today, deployments suck. 

2 months in- Update

This week marks 2 months down in the deployment!

I actually can't believe how fast the month of April has flown by.  I'm loving it, because each day is just that much closer to homecoming.  I'm much busier than I thought I would be, and my friends and family have been great in making sure I stay that way.  I already have plans for every single weekend in May, and I think August is the only month where I don't have something already planned that I'm looking forward to.  Staying busy is definitely the key to success for me!

I'm also- strangely- not as worried as I thought I would be.  The first couple weeks were rough, just because Randy and I were both worried and nervous about how he would react to being back "in country" and having to go out on patrols again.  We weren't sure if any of those things would be a possible trigger to his PTSD.  But once he called and told me that he had gone out on the first patrol and felt great afterwards, I knew I could breathe again and spend less time worrying about him. 

Randy is doing really well.  He's able to call once a week, and up until a few days ago, I was getting emails from him pretty regularly as well.  (Apparently though someone ruined the email privileges for everyone- thanks...)  Everything as far as communication is way better than we thought it would be.  When he left, we thought he might be able to call monthly, if we were lucky.  As far as I'm aware, there isn't a whole lot happening in the area where they are.  Each time I talk to him, he tells me that its quiet, and nothing is going on.  But, he knows that I function better when I don't necessarily know every single detail.  Ignorance is bliss for me when it comes to deployments!  He is journaling this deployment though, and I am pretty excited to read what he has written once he gets home.

The hardest thing for me to deal with so far though has been the guilt.  I feel guilty that I'm eating decent food, hanging out in air conditioning, even spending time with Mocha, because these are all things he doesn't get to enjoy for a few more months.  I also feel a pang of guilt when I catch myself having fun- or laughing too hard, or when a movie preview comes on for something I know we would go see together.  Blah- I know Randy doesn't want me to feel that way.  But there are moments when I just can't help it, because I just miss him, and it frustrates me that we had 3 years of shared experiences- and now I am back to a life (for 7 months at least) where I have to do it all on my own, and have my own experiences again.  I have my moments- but I know that each day only makes me stronger, and makes our marriage stronger.  Each day- good, bad, terrible- only brings me closer to homecoming. 

Here are some pictures I got in an email a few weeks ago:

Randy and his squad- with an Eagle Valley Beverage t-shirt! (that's where my dad works, for those that don't know)

Randy- just chillin in Afghanistan!

His desk and storage area

Another holiday, another deployment

I can say with complete certainty that at some point in the last (almost!) 7 years that Randy and I have been together, we have spent every major holiday, birthday, and anniversary apart.

 
Heck, we accomplished that feat in the first 3 years we were together!

Because of that though, I think each holiday, birthday, and anniversary that we DO get to spend together is that much more special.  We know how lucky we are to be able to share that time together.

This deployment, we are missing both of our birthdays, Easter, and all of the big summer fun holidays- Memorial Day, Independence Day, and Labor Day.  I'm thinking there's a strong possibility that we might miss our anniversary too.  But, instead of dwelling on what we are missing out on, I'm making the best of it. 

Or trying to.

I've realized that when Randy is away for holidays- major ones or otherwise, I try to just distract myself as much as possible from the fun everyone else is having with their friends and family.  I think in a way, I feel guilty that I get to celebrate these times, and he does not.  So I just don't celebrate them.  Not because he wants me to be miserable- because I'm not- I think I just don't want to be reminded of what he is missing out on.   

I distance myself from family- for example, instead of going home for Easter this year and spending time with my family, I'm going out to California for a week.  It's just easier for me to do things that way.  I'm lucky that my family understands, and is very supportive of the choices I make, especially when Randy is away.

I'll probably wind up skipping all the fun summer holidays too.  I remember when he was away in 2005, I spent July 4th at the pool and read The Da Vinci Code.  The entire book- in one day.  It was easier for me to get lost in reading than be sociable and pretend I was happy when I was really just bummed that we had to spend this day apart too. 

It's ok though- we have an entire lifetime together to make up for all the holidays we've missed together!

And P.S.- 7 WEEKS DOWN TODAY!!!!!

So what's my point?

Well, now that I've put a huge part of my personal life out there for anyone to read, a lot of people might be wondering why I did that, and what the point is. 

**Warning- this might turn into me on my Marine wife soapbox- so I apologize in advance for that**

My point is this- as the wife of someone who is combat wounded, and suffers on some level from PTSD, I can't ever let my guard down.  I can't ever again just brush off three days straight of Call of Duty.  (Granted, I don't allow those sort of games to even enter into our home anymore.)  I can't ever brush off the nightmares, the flashbacks, and anything to anyone else might be just an odd interruption. 

I also can't believe what the Marine Corps tells me in our "In the Midst" brief, or "Homecoming" brief.  I've been told at BOTH to just ignore all of those things I just mentioned, because it's "just combat stress and reintegration".  I get that- to a point.  But here's my thing- If I had just ignored alllll of those things that I saw in Randy, and I didn't mentally jot those things down and remember them- God only knows where I would be right now.  

I am hoping though- that since the last time we did deployments was 4 years ago, that someone somewhere has started to wake up to our reality.  That someone somewhere is deciding that these Marines admitting that something isn't quite right doesn't make them weak, or less of a man, or anything like that.  I hate that the division psychiatrist or whoever is referred to as "going to see the Wizard", and that the logo on the man's card is in fact a wizard with a crystal ball.  

The stereotypes, the stigma, all of it, has got to go away.  We MUST make it okay for these amazingly strong individuals to realize that it is OK for them to ask for help.  I am praying that none of Randy's marines will suffer the way he has, and experience the level of loss he has- and I hope that Randy-as their leader, is making them realize that it is okay to ask for help when and if they need it.  I hope that I make their wives, girlfriends, and family members realize that it is okay to ask for help for them.  If I had sat quietly by and just let Randy self-destruct- well, what kind of wife would I have been? What kind of friend would I have been to him?  I raised holy hell on his behalf.  Yea, he hated me at the time, but like I said, he now sees that I will go to any length to get him the help that he needs, and he understands what I did.  It did not affect his career at all, and nobody thought any less of him.

My point is this- if you think that someone you love is struggling with PTSD or Combat Stress, ASK FOR HELP.  Even if it's just coming to me, or to someone else you trust.  You cannot sit quietly by.  You must advocate for them on their behalf.  You must speak up- and we must put the stigma to rest.

We call it a "leave of absence"

Or a sabbatical.  

We don't call it what most people might- a separation.

I've been going back and forth, trying to decide if this is something I want to share with the entire universe, because really, almost a year later, its hard for me to talk about.  But, I want to be honest.  And I want to help other spouses, and other couples, who might be quietly struggling with PTSD and feel like they are all alone.


On February 27, 2010, Randy took a leave of absence.  Because of things that had been building for almost 6 years, he decided that he just couldn't handle me, or our marriage anymore.  So he left.  


I can honestly say that Randy walking out on me- on us- is the worst thing that has happened to me, and that I have ever had to deal with.  It took almost 3 months for him to come back around and realize the things he was blaming me for weren't necessarily my fault.  They weren't anybody's fault.

In that three months we learned a lot about what we as individuals can handle, and what our marriage can handle.  I saw a counselor, who told me that what was happening wasn't my fault.  I cried... a lot.  I leaned on my friends and family harder than I probably ever have before.  

I literally felt like my entire world was crashing down around me and there was nothing I could do to control or to stop any of it.

I also did one of the scariest things I have ever done as a Marine wife.  I went to his command.  First, I spoke with the Chaplain.  When I explained to him everything that Randy was doing and how completely out of character everything was, he suggested that I go to his command-essentially, his bosses- and tell them what was going on.  This of course pushed Randy further away from me for a time, because he felt that I was trying to hurt him and his career.  He now knows that I will do anything and everything in my power to protect him- even if I am protecting him from himself. 

Randy kept telling me he was "fine", and that nothing was wrong with him.  His friends kept telling me that he "seemed fine".  He was fine, and I was overreacting. (I hate that word, and now, neither one of us are allowed to use it.  It's such a nothing word, that can mean so many things.)  

But when I sat down and made a list of all the possible triggers that could be causing this- I realized that him being "fine" was the farthest thing from the truth. 

I could trace this all back to August of 2009- six months before Randy left.  That's when a good friend of his was killed in Afghanistan.  I remember him looking at me after he got the phone call and saying "I should have been there."  After that, there were so many things that, standing alone, were completely innocent.  Piled on top of 6 years of emotions and problems and situations that weren't dealt with, they were the beginning of the end.  That Christmas, I gave him the new Call of Duty game for his Playstation.  He literally did not sleep for 3 days straight because he played that game nonstop.  I don't know if he felt like he was back in Iraq or what, but it struck me as odd at the time, but I brushed it off.  There was a suicide in the battalion, and then an attempted suicide.  Then someone he looked up to when he was younger was arrested and that person also attempted suicide.  Each event on its own would have been managable, but all of those things together, on top of so many things that hadn't been dealt with.... well, who wouldn't fall apart?

I brushed off lots of things, and at the beginning, I held myself responsible.  Why didn't I push more? Why didn't I make him talk to me more? Why wasn't I more understanding.... why, why, why.  There were so many questions swirling through my head.  Eventually though, the thoughts stopped swirling, and I had to focus on me, and taking care of myself, and what I had control over.  I had no control over Randy and his actions.  I only had control over me, and what I did next, even if what was next was as simple as eating the next meal.

I was on complete auto-pilot, and faking it to everyone around me.  There were only a handful of people that I confided in- my parents and my sister, a few friends here at Quantico, and a handful of teachers at school.  I was embarrassed, ashamed, and completely broken down.  I didn't want anyone to know that this was happening to me. 


I fought hard for my marriage last year.  Hard enough for both of us.  Hard enough for Randy to realize that I would NEVER give up on him, and ALWAYS be there for him, no matter what.  He eventually realized that he could talk to me and tell me things that I might not necessarily want to hear, but that he needed to say.  We've learned that it's easier for him to say those things when its completely dark, so he doesn't actually have to look at me.  

We fought off a lot of demons, a lot of rumors, and a lot of people that we didn't really need in our lives.  We are still fighting for that matter- but we are winning.  We've decided that PTSD is not going to beat us and bring us down.  

I don't regret a single thing that happened in that span of time- February 27- May 12, 2010.  It has made us both so much stronger.  It taught us how to communicate again, and we are actually better people because of it.  I love him more now because he eventually admitted to me he needed help- and wanted me to help him.  To me, that is such an amazing sign of strength- not weakness.  I am amazed each and every day at how strong he is, and how much he has overcome.  He could have just run away and hidden, but he chose to come back fighting.

Now, more than a year later, we are apart again.  But it's okay this time.  We are both ready and willing to take on the challenges we might face in this deployment, and after the deployment.  But we will do it together.  Randy and I make a pretty good team- and we can get through anything, as long as we have each other.