30 day project- Day 1

Day 1- A picture of yourself with 15 facts.

On the Carnival Liberty- August 2010

1. When I graduated college, for the first time I had no idea where life was going to take me.  I never dreamed it would take me to Jacksonville NC.  I never thought I would marry a man in the military either.

2.  I'm loving being a Marine wife- I wouldn't trade the experiences and friends for anything.

3.  My parents were both 32 when I was born, so I really am in no rush to have kids.  Lucky for me, Randy feels the same way!

4. I still call my parents every day, just to check in. And, I still get homesick, even though I'm lucky to only be 5 hours from home.

5.  I never want to act my age.

 6.  I inherited a love of sour cream from my grandmother.  I eat it straight out of the container just like she did.

7.  I am a 3 deployment survivor- coming up on number 4.  Much to my dismay, they do not get easier.

8.  When I was 16, I had my tarot cards read at a birthday party.  The lady told me I would have 3 serious relationships, and the man I would marry would be a man in uniform.  This of course has led me to believe in tarot card readers, fortune telling, aura reading and anything else that falls into that category.

9. I'm a Taurus..... I'm very stubborn... its either my way or the highway.  Ha!

10.  My favorite movie of all time is the Sound of Music.  My sister hates this movie because I used to make her act it out with me and pretend we were the Von Trapp children.  Thats what happens when you're the big sister!

11.  I didn't get my driver's license until I was 19.  I was too scared- my dad got into an accident when I was in high school- he was hit by a driver a year younger than me- and it completely freaked me out.  So I waited.

12.  I hate board games.  Probably because my mother forced us to play scrabble with her when we were little. (And still does!)

13.  The hardest part of planning our wedding 3 years ago was the seating chart.  You couldn't pay me to do that over again.  On that topic, I hardly drank anything the day of our wedding because I refused to go to the bathroom in my dress.  So I had 2 glasses of water... thats it!

14.  On the cruise this summer, we discovered that I married someone with the same astrological sign as my sister, and she is dating someone with the same astrological sign as me. 

15. Penn State was not my first choice.  I really wanted to go to Michigan State.

The Scarlet Letter

Different letter though.  

A D for Deployment.  I feel like its tattooed on my forehead. 

When I was driving home from North Carolina this weekend, I was looking around, taking in the scenery that I have driven by at least 100 times.  But somehow it looks different.  I kept looking at the cars driving by full of people, amazed at how normal they all look. 

Because I feel like I am wearing a billboard.  I know at this point, I don't look like myself, and I sure as heck am not acting like myself.  I wonder if people can look at me and just know.  I wonder if people see me looking at them, so completely jealous that in 2 weeks, their lives will still be normal. 

That's all I keep thinking at this point- someone complains about their husband, I am jealous that they will still have a husband around to complain about in 2 weeks.  Someone whines about how little their husband does to help them out, again, pure jealousy that their husband will still be there.  (This all goes back to what I said previously about appreciating my husband more- yes, he makes me crazy when he's around, but man, I miss him a LOT when he's not around!)

Ugh.  I know I keep complaining about the deployment, but at this point, its just all consuming.  I WISH I had something else to think about, to talk about.  But I just don't.

I just want February to hurry up and be over already so I can be excited about homecoming.  I'm sick of worrying and thinking and what-iffing and whining and complaining.  I'm sick of walking around with a knot in my throat and a pit in my stomach.  I know I just have to get used to that, because if I remember correctly, thats not going anywhere until my husband is safely back on US soil, but at least I won't be walking around wondering how I'm going to manage to keep it together through the send-off. 

Maybe once we make it through that I will feel like my tattooed D is gone. 

Or maybe Randy can just take that with him on deployment.

And hopefully, once February is over, I will have something different and new and exciting to think about.

I knew it was coming

But it doesn't mean I can stop it.

We have a date. (For OPSEC reasons, I will not name said date.)  At least a rumored date.  A date that the "Lance Corporal Underground" claims to be true.  The Lance Corporal Underground is the Marine Corps' version of the gossip mill.  (This LCpl underground just shows that men are far more gossipy than women- just sayin'!)  

So in reality, this date could change 83 more times between now and said date.

But hearing it was still like someone came up and started repeatedly punching me in the gut.  I've known this deployment was coming since Randy accepted orders to this unit way back in May or June.  I've known that it would be a deployment to Afghanistan, and I knew it would be 7 months.  It still doesn't make it any easier to hear, or to comprehend what we are all about to jump into.  It doesn't make it any easier that I've done this 3 other times and have heard a date like this 3 other times.  

To know that I only have x number of days left with my husband able to just pick up a phone and call me, and me call him and not deal with a 3 second delay because of satellites.... well, it made me want to puke.  

It's going to be a hard adjustment to go from constantly texting and calling each other to not knowing if I will hear from my husband ONE SINGLE TIME for the entire deployment.  Of course, that's worst case scenario, but that might very well be the reality.  We just don't know.  Which makes things harder and even more frustrating.    There are always unknowns, but this time, I feel like there are more.  I think that's because this is the first to Afghanistan.  Give me Iraq- its cake.  I've done that 3 times.  But this time, its all brand new.  I'm still not sure how I feel about it.

At this point though, there isn't a whole lot I can do about it.  All I can do is enjoy my x number of days left with my husband, and go from there.  I'm going to miss Randy way more than I was counting on.  I haven't figured out why that is either- again, because we've done 3 other deployments.  But, in that 3 years of 3 deployments, we did not get to spend practically 4 whole years together.  That's the difference this time.  

That's what is making this so much harder than any time before.  I knew it was coming, but it doesn't change the fact that I love my husband very much and will miss him terribly.  

I'm lucky though- I have a pretty fabulous support system.  I have several other marine wife friends who will all be going through a deployment with me- some on another coast, some right down the road- but the distance won't matter.  I know I can call them whenever I need to, and I hope you girls know the same thing for me- my cell phone will remain on for the next 7 months.  I won't ever turn that sucker off.  My family has my back, as do all my friends.  I'm so thankful to know that I can turn to anyone and they will be there to help me out.

Now I just need to drop the stubborn act and learn to ASK for help.  I think I'm getting better though.  We shall see.  

The good things about a deployment

Yep, you read that right.

There are, surprisingly, some good things about my husband leaving for 7 months.  So, in an effort to focus on the positive, here they are, in no particular order:

1.  I get an entire king-size waterbed to MYSELF. 
      Well, not completely, as I usually have 2 out of 3 furbabies in bed with me.  Nevertheless, I have it all to myself.  I don't have to worry about being pinned to one side of the bed.  I can lay smack in the middle, and stay that way all night. Plus, I don't have to listen to someone snoring half the night away, or dodge swinging elbows that make me see stars at 2 AM.....

This is seriously how this dog sleeps.  All the time!

2.  I lose weight.  
      Now, I haven't quite figured out if its weight loss because of stress, or because my husband isn't around.  For those that know Randy, he eats a LOT.  And yet he still manages to remain the same weight.  I envy him.  When he's around, if he eats something, I have a couple bites too.  When he's deployed, I maybe have a baked potato for dinner, or some chicken fingers.  Last deployment, I lost close to 20 pounds.  I'm hoping to come close to that this time around too.  

3.  I can watch CNN all the time and nobody will whine about how boring it is.  
     You all know I am a news junkie.  There's just no way around it.  I am constantly watching, reading, listening to something that has to do with the news or politics.  I just love it!!  Unfortunately, Randy does NOT.  He has been kind enough to learn to tolerate it as long as possible (I think he makes it through about half of the State of the Union address now).  But there are times when it is just too much for him to handle.  With him around less, my TV is on CNN and MSNBC practically 24 hours a day.... except when I'm watching Teen Mom.  It's my guilty pleasure.


4.My grocery bill drops dramatically.
     This goes right along with how much Randy eats.  When he was home over leave, we spent about $150 a week on groceries.  When its just me, I spend $50 every two weeks.  Which means I will be saving lots of money to buy new Coach!!!

 

 

 

I seriously NEED this jacket- isn't it amazing?!

5.  I get plenty of "me time". 
     Probably a little too much time by myself, but I really don't mind it.  I am independent and stubborn, and I need the peace and quiet every once in a while.  I need to come home from work and decompress, read a book, and just veg out.

6.  I learn to appreciate my husband all over again.
     I think that's pretty self explanatory.  The most important thing deployments have taught me is that you can't take your partner for granted.  We can't get used to constantly having our husband there, because chances are, he's got one foot out the door on the way to a field exercise, a mess night, or a He-Man woman hater's club meeting... hehe.  So the time that we do get to spend together is that much more important, and the things that he does for me and helps me with become that much more meaningful.  Even something as mundane and basic as feeding the dog and taking out the trash are so helpful, and something as simple as watching the entire series of Friends becomes valuable time together.

7.  I get to reconnect with friends and family that I've neglected during the pre-deployment workup. I also get to strengthen my friendships with my fellow military wives.
     Right before a deployment, we pretty much shut down from the world, and try to spend as much time together as possible.  While that is great for us, it sucks for my friends and family who pretty much have a communication black-out from me.  Or at least I feel that way.  I apologize to those that I might have neglected- I have the next 7 months to make it up to you!  That also means that I get to visit- I already have trips planned- I'm most excited about my Easter trip to California! ;) 


8.  I don't have to cook every night!
      While I consider myself to be a good cook, I don't particularly enjoy it.  So a deployment gives me a welcome break from that.  If it comes in a bag and can be stored in the freezer, that's pretty much what I'm eating during deployments!  Chicken fingers, mozzarella sticks, a piece of fruit... if its simple and easy, I love it!


I'm sure there are positives that I am forgetting, but I don't want my poor husband to think I actually enjoy him being gone.  ;)  Today though, I just refuse to dwell on the negatives.  During a deployment, you just have to embrace the good things.  Sometimes it's hard to find them, but I promise, good things are there!  And besides- each day just brings us closer to homecoming.... which is really the best positive of them all!!

One last visit, movie, phone call

Its coming.  I can't stop it.  And it sure as hell isn't getting any easier.


Our  unit's advanced party has left- so that means its really real. We got mailing addresses today- so that means its not going away either.


I'm sitting here on the couch next to my husband, watching Toy Story.  And it just sucks.  All that I keep thinking is that this will be the last time that XYZ happens until he comes home.  I get that I'm supposed to think positive, and not dwell on the negative, but at this point, I just can't.


The last 2 weekends in a row we have had family and friends in town to say "see you later" before the deployment.  It's just a constant reminder of whats about to happen.  I try to stay happy and positive during these visits.  I do manage that.  But once everyone goes- forget it.  I'm a mess all over again. 


One last visit with my parents.  One last wrestling match with the dog.  One last visit with his mom.  UGH!  It all just makes me want to scream.  (Here I go again- no pity necessary- again, I'm right where I should be on the "Deployment Cycle of Emotions") 


At this point, its getting hard to look beyond the flight window too.  Its like anything past this month just doesn't even exist.  I'm trying to focus on everything that will happen afterwards..... but I just can't.  I have so many fun things planned to keep my mind off of deployment, but right now they are all just so.... blah.  


I'm jealous of everyone whose lives will continue on as normal on March 1st.  There is a big giant pause button over my head, and it won't go away.  

Opposites Attract!

 

Yep, that's us.  Total opposites.  That Paula Abdul song might very well have been written about us. 



(P.S. Randy knows every word to this song.)
He cracks me up every time when he sings it!

Randy and I have known each other close to 11 years.  We met my senior year of high school, his freshman year.  (Insert cradle robbing jokes here- I've heard em all!)  We met at band camp.  I was in the bandfront, he played the trombone.  He was an icky freshman, I was a badass senior.  I never thought much of him- other than he was a nice kid.  But something about him just always stuck with me- I think it was the duct-tape on the Yankees baseball cap, or maybe that infectious smile.  But we remained friends when I left for college. 

The one thing I have ALWAYS known about Randy is that he wanted to be a Marine.  I remember in high school- its all he ever talked about.  So I was not surprised when he enlisted minutes after he turned 18.  I wasn't surprised when he called to say goodbye when he left for boot camp.  We wrote, I got him in trouble for sending him a package, and I wrote to apologize for getting him in trouble.  (I still feel bad about that babe!)  He left for his first deployment to Iraq in 2004, and when his personal life kinda fell apart on him, I was there to pick up the pieces.  When he got off the bus in September 2004, I was there, and have been there ever since.  

He's got this complete wild side- a total adrenaline junkie.  I am happiest on the couch, with a blanket and a good book.  He is totally spur of the moment- I need a PLAN.  He can't sit still to save his life- I could happily watch movies all day long.  When we go home, he's got to be on the move, I love just spending time with my parents.  I am a complete home-body, he is anything but.  He is all about adventure- I am not.  We just don't make sense.  But somehow, we make it work every single day.  

Our wedding day- October 6, 2007.  Of course he would.

Randy definitely keeps me on my toes, but I wouldn't have it any other way.  He's completely crazy, and drives me crazy, but I love it.  I didn't marry him to try to change him into something I wanted.  I married him because I love him exactly the way he is- crazy and all.  Of course we have our good days and bad days, but who doesn't?  The most rewarding part of a marriage is knowing that you can work through those good days and bad days together, and come out on the other side better and stronger for it.   We balance each other out remarkably well.  I keep him level and organized, he reminds me its okay to laugh and have fun.   

On the cruise- August 2010

 I remember someone coming up to us the day of our wedding and saying, "but you guys have NOTHING in common!"  That still makes me laugh, because its just TRUE!  We have nothing in common- except we are crazy about each other.  Isn't that enough?  Why would I marry someone exactly like me?  How boring would that be??   

photo by Christina Canterbury

I wouldn't change any of it though, not for a second. 

I love you babe! ;)

I'm not ready.

I've been walking around all day with a lump in my throat and a pit in my stomach.  I've been fighting back tears and wanting to punch something. 

The reason? 

It's February 1st.  And we are creeping ever closer to D-Day.  And I hate it.  I'm not ready to do this again.

Well, at least that's what my heart tells me.  My head tells me I'm as ready as I'll ever be, and I have to just do it.  But how can anyone actually be ready to stand in a parking lot, surrounded by other significant others, family members, and crying children, and watch a bunch of buses pull away, filled with our Marines, none of us knowing what will happen next?

I'm not allowed to cry on D-Day.  I promised Randy 6 years ago I would never cry the day he leaves, because it makes it easier for him.  So far, I have successfully kept that promise to him.  Then I think about this time.  And it makes me cry.  I'm hoping to get it all out over the next few weeks so I can keep that promise one more time.   

Ugh.  It's just so frustrating.  

Now don't get me wrong- I don't hate the Marine Corps for taking my husband away, I'm not mad at Randy for choosing this career.  I don't want a bunch of sympathy and pity, either.  I'm just angry, and pissed off, and already completely emotionally exhausted.  I have all these doubts racing through my head, even though we have done this so many other times before.  I wonder if I really am strong enough for myself, and for all my friends who are relying on me for strength and answers, and knowledge.  


Am I really ready?  The binder and checklist tell me I am.  The "Deployment Cycle of Emotions" tells me I am feeling the correct emotions.  (Isn't that funny how the Marine Corps even issues emotions??)  But there goes my heart again.  Screaming at me that there's no possible way anyone can be ready for what I have to do in a few short weeks.  How can anyone EVER be ready for what so many military families have done too many times before?

But I'll be ready.  I've done it before, I can do it again.  I don't know how, but I will pull myself together, and I will be ready.  Because once again, I have no other options.  There isn't another choice.  I will do this because its my job as a Marine wife.